AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

You are on so many threads, landing with a cruel comment to every OP. You’re either a naturally horrible person or a troll

I thought that. I expect they’re just a deeply inadequate person.

You can’t control your emotions, but you also can’t control what other people do and to be upset that this woman hasn’t CUT SOMEONE OUT of her life (that she is clearly very close with) is insane!
Your partner isn’t still in contact with his ex but neither of you are in any position to tell his mother who she can and cannot talk to.
Get over it. You look jealous.

I would gamble good money that OP's dp never actually got his dm's agreement at any time that she would distance herself from his ex.

It sounds to me like dp was happy to just kind of let the situation slide as far as his ex and dm were concerned, and make convenient assumptions which suited him, because that way he avoided having to talk about his feelings too much with dm and dp.

So I am not sure that dmil is really betraying her ds all this time, as I don't think OP can be certain that he ever clearly transmitted this message to her.

I think you need to address your issues. You can't dictate who your mil is friends with. You sound a bit controlling.

Thanks so much to everyone that has replied and especially to the ones that took the time to read all my posts, appreciate could have written the first one slightly better but I am sleep deprived 😅. There are some lovely, understanding people on here who can give constructive thoughts and advice, thank you to them as that is why I came and have really helped me. The keyboard warriors who think it’s ok to give abuse and be nasty the hypocrisy of telling me to look at myself is outstanding.
Unfortunately I don’t have to time to reply to everyone and most likely won’t have time to continue to reply but would like to give an update as I spoke to the MIL about the situation, I’ve always been of the opinion it’s better to be honest and transparent with people. She TOTALLY understands my point of view and feelings, she does not think it’s controlling in anyway that before we pursued things I said I don’t want to date someone with exes in their life, she says that was a totally valid thing to bring up and had she would have done the same. Obviously the disconnect here was I was told the ex was out of the picture and since that initial convo pre dating we have never discussed it once up until yesterday! Not once have I ever said the MIL can’t be friends with the ex and I have no expectations of that, it was just very out of the blue finding out they were besties. My question was AIBU being upset my MIL is besties with the ex, NOT am I in my rights to tell her not to be because I don’t think that at all. I do think in relation to having the right to ask your parents not be friends with your ex is acceptable, I know that ruffles feathers but that’s my opinion, I can have mine and you can have yours. My partner spoke to MIL and it was clear that she had not understood why keeping the ex in her life upset him, she thought he was being “petty” at the time he spoke to her about this (BEFORE ME) and she said had she known the extent of the impact on him she would NOT have pursued things and thinking that he was being “petty” she carried on without telling him, making out they weren’t in each others lives so not have any issues with my partners. (Not my place to comment on this). She said had she known she would have closed it down at the time of the break up out of respect for his feelings. So to everyone that has bashed my opinion on that please be mindful that the MIL in question does not support that it’s ok to keep a relationship with the ex if upsets your child.
I think in relation to being upset / uncomfortable with your new in laws being involved with the ex that is 100% on an individual basis and everyone has every right to feel how they feel about things. You may embrace it, you might not that’s just humans we all think differently, as the replies have proven.
Obviously we have been unaware of the relationship up until yesterday and we haven’t asked her to end the friendship just that we don’t want to hear about any details. Which she totally understands and agrees with. End of.

Yes. It sounds as though there are still wounds to heal.

Maybe since it's early in your marriage your DMIL didn’t think to much of it and now knowing how much it upsets you will not mention your DH's ex in your company.

As people have mentioned she’s done a great job of concealing this, even to the point of telling my partner she was away with a friend when in reality she was spending the weekend with the ex and her new partner.

I’d be really upset by this if I were your partner, OP. It’s so — I’m not even sure what the word is. Underhand?

You were perfectly within your rights to say you didn’t want to get involved with your DP if he or his family had any contact with his ex. And he was perfectly within his rights to ask his DM to cut contact as he found it difficult. And while I agree that in theory no-one should be able to dictate who’s allowed to be friends with who (that is, his DM was perfectly within her rights to continue seeing the ex), for me there’s something about a DM ignoring her adult son’s request to cut ties to such a degree that they go for weekends away together, and lie about it, that suggests a really quite disordered relationship. If your DP and his ex had had children together, that might be different. And it might be (for example) that your MIL always regarded the ex as a daughter — but there’s still something I don’t like about the dishonesty. If your DP hadn’t cared/asked — fine. If his DM had been honest — well, that would be preferable to lying but personally I’d feel very hurt in your DP’s place.

Edited as cross posted with your latest update, OP. Your MIL’s actions make much more sense now. And it seems as though it’s been a series of misunderstandings essentially. But well done you for talking to her about it.

You can hardly call being lied to 'trauma' come on now. Unpleasant, yes. Distressing, very possibly but trauma? That has an entirely different meaning

You came here asking for opinions on whether we thought you were being unreasonable, which is why we have all given ours. Really don't understand why you're here at all if you're now saying "you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine" anyway...

The friendship may only last as long as your MIL is employed by the ex. I'd try not to fret

This is a YOU problem lovely.

Who your MIL is friends with is zero business of yours or his.

She had a relationship with her before you even met him.

Why should she lose a friend because you instruct her to?

My mother is friends with my ex SIL who is the mother of her grandchildren and also offered love and support during a very difficult time for mum. So am I. My bro does not like this. Yet still we're friends.

You need therapy to cope with your past trauma, and not demand everyone rearrange their friendships to accommodate it.

You are being unreasonable, i suggest you reach out for help/counselling.

good update OP

I don't understand why your previous bad experience gave you a phobia of exes.

You discovered that your partner was engaged to another woman, with whom his parents were friendly (unsurprisingly - she was his fiancée).

So your partner was a two-timing so-and-so and his parents helped him cover it up. Bad of them, but it wasn't their secret to share.

I certainly hope his fiancée found out about you before she married him!

But what does any of it have to do with exes? If you just mean that your partner got back together with an ex, that could happen to anyone, and the parents' behaviour is irrelevant. Your present partner doesn't seem at all likely to get back together with his ex.