AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

Well given that he had already asked his mother to stop contact with his ex before he even met the OP I think it is fairly obvious who he is going to choose.

I'm afraid you're being U. If my son's GF (child together or not) told me who i was "allowed" to associate with, i would ignore her.

This.

Your partner has done nothing wrong and your insecurities about your MIL being so close to his ex are YOUR problem.

I'm not sure why you're so upset but it's not really of your business who his mum chooses to be friends with. He is not interested in his ex and has moved on with you. Concentrate on your own relationships and not things you can't change.

Opposite outcome for my husband. His ex was an alcoholic (now dead of alcoholism) and his mother has decided to be friends with her mother. DH never liked his former MIL and the two mothers were not close while ex was alive. Very odd. He's told his mother he's uncomfortable with her telling all our business. She accused him of muzzling her. So we are now NC.

What kind of a mother continues a friendship with their child's ex or ex-in laws when there's been a painful situation and their adult child is uncomfortable with it? I'd always choose my kids.

OP, I'd keep my distance from MIL if I were you.

what are you after here, OP? Everyone to nod along and agree with you.

Or point out that you're trying to be controlling. Tell your partner to tell his mum not to talk about ex to you and that is it. You should have shut down her conversation right from the outset, not let it go on. She obvs thought you were comfortable with that conversation.

Make that clear and move on.

It’s not up to you or your DP who his DM is friends with. It sounds like his DM isn’t hiding anything but is also equally happy not to discuss you or baby with his ex since that’s what you want. your DP isn’t speaking to his ex & there’s no need for either of you to communicate with her so I’m not sure what your issue is. Sorry op, but it’s pretty selfish of you & your DP to dictate that his DM & his ex can’t be friends because it doesn’t suit you. If you would consider ending a relationship with the father of your child over his DM’s friendship with ANYONE then I think you need to work on your own issues & seek councelling rather than dictating who she speaks to.

Quite so

I don't know what happened in your past to make the rule about exes and involvement. But what I would ask is does that mean you wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who already had a child from a previous relationship? Because surely that counts as an ex being involved in some elements of your life - even if its all handled through your partner, the child whilst in your home might mention their other parent? Would that not be allowed?

If your OH was friends with his ex, I could understand your POV

He isn't

His mother is

YABU here

It's good that his MIL is still friends with his ex - it shows that these people (who are part of your life now) are grownups and not all toxic.

I can understand you're upset because of past trauma, but you've no logical reason to feel threatened in any way by this friendship. I also understand that you probably know how you feel isn't logical, but being too controlling within your relationship probably won't end well.

I find this hard to explain so sorry if I'm unclear.

It was your male ex who did the dirty on you not the 'other' women that he was with so I don't understand why you are so triggered by your current partners 'ex' and not by your partner? His 'ex' has done nothing to you and means nothing to your ex. I don't understand your hatred for the woman? Are you jealous of her or are you afraid your partner will do the dirty on you like your last partner did.
It seems extremely messed up and illogical. It’s like you wanted to have another partner so decided that it was easier to focus your insecurities on the innocent women and ignore the fact it was the ex partner who was at fault.
Thats not meant to sound as accusationary as it does. I'm just curious why. Did you see you ex as a victim and his 'other' half as the villain?

It's a shame that you have had a baby with this current guy while you are still so traumatized. It must be difficult.

You had a traumatic experience where you found out the ex wasn't the ex

So now you can't be around anyone where there is an ex involved.

All this guff about how MIL shouldn't have contact with ex for her sons sake is smoke and mirrors, it's you who doesn't like it. And it sounds as though MIL works for the ex also...is she supposed to give up her job aswell? Blank the woman at work? What level of no contact would be acceptable to you?

If your DP isn't comfortable with it, that's between him and his DM, however I suspect he's much less comfortable due to your issues.

All you can do is insist that MIL doesn't discuss the ex around you.

Sounds healthy!

• mil happy to disregard her own son’s feelings
• mil calling this girl her “best friend” (cringe-worthy)
• mil gushing about this best friend to you knowing you are upset
• mil literally telling you to keep information secret from your DP / her son

For me, I would conclude she’s just not a very nice person and make sure I had as little to do with her as possible. Including thinking about her. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Be boring around her, don’t do anything to facilitate a relationship or attract her to you. Let DP do what he needs to do regarding her and keep yourself happy.

You said he was the one doing the breaking up. She wanted to stay in the relationship. But whatever.

The ins and outs don’t really matter. MIL had a relationship with this woman separate to her son’s relationship. They work together and are good friends. That’s a nice thing - having friendships of different generations is brilliant.

Both your DP and his ex have moved on, made happy successful relationships and had children. This is also a nice thing. I wish you all much happiness.

I am friends with one of my brothers exes. They were toxic when together and are both very happy in new relationships. The split was the best thing that could happen to them, once the initial pain of breaking up was over. I shouldn’t lose a friend because of that.

My MiL is still very close to my DH exW, she is even going to her wedding this year where she refused to come to ours.
Whilst I find it mildly irritating at times; she talks about her a lot in our presence and she calls me by DHs exW name literally everytime I see her (undecided whether this is deliberate, but she has form), I actually couldn't care less. Never been particularly close to MiL and she's not always been particularly nice to me over the course of our 16 year relationship, so DH exW is welcome to the MiL 😂

I can see why someone younger might see things differently (I'm 42), but it is a bit silly to make a big thing of this, and you definitely should never ask MiL to end a friendship because you don't like it, that's pretty ridiculous actually. I think YABU and you need to address your own issues, as that is the point here, they are YOUR issues, nobody else's.

@Duckie2407 Your previous in-laws are awful people and I can see why you were traumatised 😢.

You stated your expectations to your partner early on and he obliged, so that too is perfectly fine.

This does not extend to your MIL though. The most you can expect, is that she doesn’t tell you anything about the ex. It’s also likely as well that if she’s such great friends with the ex, she will talk to her about her beloved grandchild and show her pictures. As people we naturally share things about the ones we hold dear, so that’s somewhat inevitable.

Your partner also has no place dictating his mom’s friendship with the ex. If she’d been abusive towards him, cheated or other horrible behaviour I can see how that would sour relations, but if they grew apart/ were just badly suited, I can see how the mom would carry on seeing someone she clearly likes a lot.

Reflecting on your awful experience with your previous ex, I wonder if your beef is more with in laws, than exes. After all, the ex he was actually engaged to may not have known about you, but the in laws did and carried on the whole charade very cruelly. I imagine that is why the MIL being untransparent about the relationship she had with the ex hitting so hard.

I also think you were well within your rights to make clear your preferences regarding relationships at the start of the relationship, and I don't think many people here understand that really what you were saying was 'if you are friends with an ex, that is fine, but that means this relationship isn't for me'. There is nothing wrong with that. FWIW I wouldn't start a relationship with a person with either weird in laws or a weird relationship with their parents ever again, having experienced in law arseholery first hand. It is very damaging and you get very little support.

I really hope all the MILs on here saying their children and DILs can't 'dictate who they are friends with' allow their rown elatives complete autonomy in all decisions regarding contact, communication and relationships with zero comment and judgement, ever, ever at all.

I think a lot of people haven't been through trauma and it shows. I had a very traumatic breakup including lots of lies about various things. I put boundaries in place to allow for my own mental health when looking for a new partner. What you have done is exactly correct. You have said this is where I'm comfortable right from the start and if you are not ok with this then let's not get involved in the first place. It's actually a very sensible way to go about the situation.

Thankfully you and your partner are on the same page regarding the ex. Concerning the MIL I think the only thing you can say is I don't want you telling the ex about our life. I don't want to tell me about hers and try and go from there. Hopeful she will respect this and it won't be a problem.

If you have got 19months in without hearing about her it sounds like MIL knows how you both feel and try's to keep you separate. Which is a very good way to handle the situation.

"Thank you for the reply and totally respect it ☺️ However I stand strong on my personal opinion that if you break up with someone and want them out of your life you have every right to ask your parents not to continue with their relationship if it’s at a detriment to you"

You can ask but they don't have to listen. You then have the right to decide how much it effects you and how involved they are with you and your life.

Best of luck with this MIL, OP. She sounds a big unhinged tbh! Going behind her son's back to go on holiday with his ex and then becoming her employee?! what on earth is she playing at? Really surprised by some of the replies on here. Yes of course grown adults can be friends with whoever they like, but why upset your child in that way? I'd be devastated if my parents were friendly with my exes, let alone reaching that level of enmeshment. Thankfully mine are normal and caring so wouldn't dream of it.

My advice is to keep your distance from MIL, she clearly has no boundaries and if she's happy to throw her own son under a bus, she certainly won't worry about you. I'd not say anything more on the topic now, but just go low contact and generally grey rock her. And keep your little one away from her as much as possible. definitely no alone time.

Best of luck to you, your partner and baby - you certainly deserve a very happy ending after all you've been through. 💐

Isn't this just going to make the MIL closer to the ex? Surely dictating who she can communicate with isn't going to strengthen any friendship between the two of you. She wil now be messaging the ex probably having a moan. 🙈 x

It's not ideal but as long as your parnter isn't in constant contact with his ex I'd have just left the MIL to it.

Why is it ridiculous they are friends? People strike up friendship and it's a lovely thing if that friendship lasts. In a world with sadness and bad things we can't control I say friends should be kept close regardless of someone's personal hang ups.

Imagine if his was a man saying this, he'd be called controlling and it would be considered a red flag.

Why is it ridiculous? They’re friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow you sound so controlling! You were "visibly upset" because your boyfriend's family member still speaks to someone you've never even met?? That's unhinged I'm sorry. She's right, you absolutely cannot dictate who your boyfriend's mum is friends with!!