AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

I think you're letting baggage from your past affect your current life too much, OP.

We all have past hurts but if you don't let things go they can ruin future relationships.

It sounds like your partner really tried to adhere to that boundary. He can't control his Mum!

If you are that triggered by an ex having a friendly, respectful relationship with someone they once dated, then I suggest you seek therapy to help you with your self-esteem because it’s neither healthy nor reasonable to dictate who people talk and not talk too; including partners, friends, acquaintances, etc.

So because you have trauma you expect others to change.

So how many times have you been to a therapist

You can't use your boundaries and your past experiences to control other people.

Your experiences may create your boundaries, but you have to respect that others have theirs and having their lives and choices controlled by your experiences crosses theirs.

Too many people think having boundaries means having rules that they can enforce on others close to them.

Like Jonah Hill for example and how he used therapy speak to abuse.

You sound bonkers OP. You can't tell people who they can be friends with!

I can understand it might be annoying but unfortunately you don’t run the world. I’d love to as well, but sadly we don’t.

Another attention seeking individual. Grow up for goodness sake.

Whilst I can sympathise that it's a bit awkward, you have absolutely zero right to be controlling like this. If I were your DP, I'd have seen serious red flags when you initially raised it with him. I find it quite concerning that you seem to think that your past experience (and if it is that an ex of yours previously cheated on you with an ex of his, then that's shit, but it's not trauma) makes it ok for you to try to control your DP and your MIL. It doesn't, and you need to seek some counselling.

The MIL lied though. She led the OP and partner to believe there was no ongoing relationship before^^ the op and partner were deep in a relationship. This was a not negotiable for the OP. Whether it's a rational not negotiable is not the point. It was a red line. The mil pretended there wasn't any conflict regarding this and then snuck around. This is just fucked up. She should have stated her position and then op could have made an informed decision about whether to pursue the relationship

TBF OP from what said in your post,

The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy).

By that it's not as though the ex broke your DP's heart, was also engaged to someone else, and she's furious with the ex, I could see her not associating with her then but by your own addmission he ended the relationship because he was unhappy which is fine it happens, but he can't control his mother's feelings.

This is something that you need to either go back to therapy for and try to deal with or get used to the fact that your DP's mother isn't, and shouldn't stop her friendship with the ex.

You've both moved on you with DP and the ex with her new DP, you a mother and her soon to be so best now to concentrate on your relationship and let the ex and your DP's mother continue their's how they see fit.

She's not in a relationship with the MIL! The MIL has no obligation whatsoever to disclose anything to do with her personal friendships. The fact that MIL felt she had to keep it secret is not an indication that she knew she was in the wrong, it's because of the OP's controlling behaviour and the MIL then needing to tiptoe around her as a result. It's the OP's behaviour that isn't ok, not the MIL's.

Get over yourself.

Who your partner’s mother is friends with is none of your god damn business. In fact it’s none of your partner’s business either.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex IL’s. They’re wonderful people, and I have 0 doubt that if either my eXH or his partner tried to tell them who they can and can’t be friends with, they would tell them in no uncertain terms to do one.

You’re all adults here, you need to learn to behave like one.

And no, you don’t use your past to be controlling over other people. Too many abusers think they can get away with that one. And yes, demanding who your partner can or cannot ever see is abusive.

You don't seriously think you can tell a grown adult you barely know who they can socialise with because of your past trauma 🤣😆😁 you need to get over yourself, there's no nice way to say it 🤦🤷‍♀️

She's not in a relationship with the MIL!

I've asked if the OP is actually married to her DP, not that it's any of my buisness I know, but it's odd that you'd even expect someone that is only your boyfriends mother, and in reality one that isn't even a long term relationship, to not be friends with his ex.

This

it’s really unreasonable to tell people who they can and can’t have in their life. It’s your choice whom you speak too. So if this is too much for you yoh can choose to not speak to MIL. But you can’t control others and what they do

You can’t control others though. You can only control how you react to it

most important lesson I ever learnt. It works here because you or your DP can’t control what his mum does. You can only react to it…..

Again. You can’t do anything about her ignoring his wishes. You might think it’s wrong/right. But you can’t do anything. Only react to it and choose how you react and behave.

Again same thing. It doesn’t matter who hurt whom. Who did what

you can only react.

There’s no real awareness from the OP that the problem is not with exes of partners or even their family but dating an abusive man. Families of abusers often fall in with them either out of fear and intimidation or because they are abusive too.

So the OP has misdiagnosed her problem.

If she’s not in a relationship with an abusive liar then there is no reason to police their exes or their family members. And if her partner is a liar then policing the ex won’t help.

It seems to me that OP has not fully processed what happened and has formed a knee-jerk, control response, which is superstitious in nature rather than reasoned, and completely inappropriate to the actual issue.

You are being ridiculous, controlling, childish, insecure and incredibly unreasonable. I seriously doubt the woman cares about you, your partner or your child, your mil can be friends with who she likes, stop looking in people's phones and focus on your own life

Your updates sound a lot more measured and sensible, OP. Of course you can't control what others do and it's usually very inadvisable to try. In the end, the only person this is likely to come back on with negative effects is you.

Your husband's interactions with this mother are of course between them, but he also is being wholly unreasonable in trying to dictate to her who she can and cannot see. Their continued connection needn't affect him in any way - he has the right to insist this is kept separate from him and he wants to hear nothing about it - but he doesn't have the right to prevent his mother seeing who she wishes.

The poor woman has been put in an invidious position here. She sounds a very decent woman who is guilty of nothing more than an admirable loyalty to those she cares about. (She shouldn't, however, have asked you to keep secrets from your partner). This is a person I'd be very happy to have onside: at some point those qualities are something you might be grateful for. IMO, it's worth cultivating a better relationship with a person like this.

It's good that you're still engaging in therapy to help you deal with your past trauma. Stick with it.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time on here, but people see it as enjoyable to take posters down.

I have to say that it's strange that of all the friendships in all the world, the MIL and the ex decided that they really, really get on. Maybe they do, but some people also get off on Drama with a capital D.

If you tell her you wished she would keep her distance, it would end badly - she could do 'outraged innocence'. What you can do is keep your own distance.

I love my MIL and if my relationship with her son ended. I would hope we would keep in touch. But I do respect the fact that they are a family and that she would have to build a relationship with whomever my now-ex would share his life with. Sad, but life.

It's nothing to do with you who your MIL is friends with. You cannot dictate who someone else can associate with.

Maybe you should seek some help for your irrational behaviour.

It's not an irrational feeling and the OP is not behaving irrationally.

A cross-generational close friendship, and working for your son's ex-girlfriend (of all the employers possible) is fairly unusual.

I'm sorry you're in a bad place in terms of trauma. But you must understand you'll never be able to control other people's behaviour and relationships nor you have such right. The most useful thing for you would be to deal with that trauma with a therapist -- I'm saying this as someone who has done so as well (different trauma but you get the gist).

You can of course have stipulations like the MIL is not allowed to forward child's pictures or post on social media. But you'll have an uphill struggle trying to monitor, control and limit others' everyday actions. You risk becoming ostracized by your MIL and eventually your partner because your behaviour right now is borderline outrageous and it's difficult for others to accommodate it long term.