To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Nooo because then she’d have to use her own words irl. Not possible. She’d rather just get rid. Much easier. Especially for someone who has studied (and worked?) law, very very difficult to talk to people then.

I’d read this as highly immature, in the sense she needs to understand we are all different and shouldn’t be judging each other for our choices. It can be a bit unsettling, sad even, when people on the same life path start to diverge - things will never be the same again - but dealing with change, and loss to some extent, is part of life.

I would talk to her directly about it.

”The comments you make about me and my life are often very rude. You enjoy your life and I am very happy with mine. Why do you feel the need to be so disparaging? “

Well I’m kind of with her on that! You sound rather jealous of her too!

I’ve already said this but I don’t think it must be jealously at all - some people just really crave validation and it drives them to stick the knife in. When I was still working towards qualifying in law, people who already had pupillage or training contract offers would make barbed and awful comments to people who hadn’t (one woman I remember already had pupillage at a great commercial chambers yet still spent part of a some networking evening trying to prompt an external guest to say they’d never hire someone with a 2.2 in front of someone who had one, which was absolutely unhinged behaviour). They had no reason to be jealous of them, they just seemed to want some kind of public acknowledgment that they were The Best. I think many of us - particularly in certain careers - have felt those tendencies in ourselves, but we quash them. Some people don’t.

OP says they are in law and finance, so I don’t think it’s beyond the realms of possibility that this is what’s going on here, and not necessarily a deep-seated desire to become a SAHM age 28.

"OP doesn't do that" - you know that for a fact do you? We've only heard one side of the story here. She did put in her post that her friend told her about the promotion and then op told friend she was pregnant. I really don't see one sided 'oneupmanship' from that.

If it's causing @pregnantbestie stress though then it's best to step away.

That’s fair. I read this in New Scientist so you’d think it was fairly robust, though the authors acknowledged it was difficult to quantify how happy or unhappy someone was (and then you have the whole correlation vs causation thing).

But my original point was - it isn’t true to say that no man cares what his partner earns.

Reading the OP though she does sound insufferably smug.

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K. the friend has worked to get herself where she is whereas the OP has been given the world on a platter, has been handed a house deposit, nursery furniture, a man with a £100k salary meaning she can decide to never work again.

Maybe the friend is in the wrong, but if the OP comes across in rl the same as she has on this thread, then maybe the friend has had enough of the OP throwing the fact that she’s proud to have been given everything without having to do anything to get it.

This could be seen from the other side as the friend went round to congratulate the OP on her pregnancy and to tell her about her promotion, and the OP smugly gloated about how she has everything handed to her and her friend has to work like the rest of the world.

Be careful what you wish for is all I would say to the OP.

Let’s hope you’re not back here in five years and two kids when your h has left you and you’re having to claim UC beause you can’t get a job.

Thinking about OPs mate.

DH and I waited for 8 years to have kids - I dithered a bit, was job obsessed like OPs friend. Thank God we did. Wouldn't have missed it ever. I still work like a loon to pay for it all but no regrets whatsoever.

I seem to have quite a few friends my age who never had kids - we are all in our 50s now and older. Two points I've reflected on - work is not your family. Gently, I hope people who think having a family is a life constraint/drag on their time really let this sink in and consider what their life will be like when they're 50 plus if that's where they've put all their energies. Especially if you get 'managed out' of the business you've given years to.

Many of these friends are looking after aging parents. "Where will you live when you're older?" they ask us. ""Well, I'll be planning around where my kids are very likely." I think they are now scared and alert to the fact that even if they can afford care they could be very lonely a lot of the time.

It's not about having kids or not having kids it's about thinking of what is important in life. You can still have great relationships and be single and child free but I feel like when we were dithering people always brought up the material stuff as a reason not to have them.

As other posters have suggested - she sounds envious/jealous of what you have. Perhaps she wants the same but feels stuck in her career? She could be feeling insecure about where she’s at in life & seeing you so happy and content triggers her.

Her responses are not normal.

There were 4 of us who became really good friends whilst doing teacher training. Two of us had children in our late 20s ,the other 2 partied and shopped and had a ball. The bond severed really. There were lots of comments along the lines of Ops. I went through a divorce in my early thirties and the childless 2 were utterly disinterested.They had children in their forties ( one at 50 with ivf and donor eggs in Spain). Our children were off to uni. We were now free, back in careers, able to give a toss about how we looked when we left the house. The two of us who had children at the same time have been close friends for 40 years. We are both retired now and met for lunch yesterday. She lives where we trained and still sees the other 2 now and again. The comments about retirement being boring, not being ready yet 'to do nothing' are dropped in everytime she sees them. I think really Op that you need to find friends who are at a similar stage to you. Some friendships last forever,some fade away.

I don’t think she’s jealous, but she does sound insecure and is punching down.

I feel more like her regarding work. I have children but very quickly wanted to get back to work and earning, but there is no excuse for her being a shit friend to you because you made very different choices.

In my experience friendships may have to change a bit when one person's life experiences diverge from the other's. You meet under different circumstances or stick to certain topics of conversation. In a sense she's showing interest in your life, but framing it negatively. Maybe better to only meet her for an evening out, say, than to have her over to your house in the midst of caring for your child.

Also we don't know how much interest you are taking in her life. Maybe she feels unappreciated now you're not discussing topics of interest to her?

Yes, from what you say, she sounds jealous, while trying to appear smug. But maybe she feels something similar about you. You do sound a bit smug about your life choices, and maybe that comes over to her as you saying your life is better than hers, so she's defending herself?

Just some thoughts. I have a friend who I lived with at college. I continued living the city life, moving up the career ladder and she moved to a very rural place, hastily married her first husband and started having babies. Before long she gave up the job she'd trained for, dismissing it as she did so. Although she never said anything directly, it always felt like a criticism of my choices to continue the job and life I had.

I never really felt at ease in her company after that and I've realised it's not about the different life styles but more about her lack of interest in mine.

Some valid points here. Being a good friend to people who have made different choices to you works both ways. Plenty of judgy comments about "shopping and partying" on here from people with children.

I think boundaries in friendship are important. I have many childfree friends, as also friends who have lives very different from mine. I don't comment on their lives and I expect them not to comment on mine,unduly. The odd comment is ok.

I'm in a walking group. We had a new male member join last week. He's in his 50s. There were the usual chats about divorced/ widowed ,children / not children.Most people have made peace with what has happened by our age.His response to the children thing was enormous regret. He said he had read a lot about children when he was of an age to have them , and absorbed all the more negative aspects and had decided not to. He said he would regret it forever.

I think some regret is common to all humans, tbh. Because we are overthinkers. I wouldn't presume at all that all childfree people regret their choices. However, I would like them to extend me the same courtesy.

It reads like to me that she could be annoyed by your choices. Perhaps, she had an image in her head for both of you and you deviated from that and instead of accepting your choices and seeing you are happy, she wants to poke holes because how could you be happy being the opposite of what she expected/wanted.

It's sounds like she's very jealous, I feel quite sorry for her. Is she in a relationship? It sounds like if she is, it's not where she'd like it to be. Everyone wants different things from life and many people don't want kids and value a career and progression but the fact that she needs so much external validation makes me think that actually it's not what she wants and that by putting you down she's trying to convince herself that what you have isn't what she wants when actually it is.
I think it sounds like you are very content in your life and your choices, so don't take offence by her comments but maybe put it back on her, tell her next time " you know what I feel really content with my choices, what is this really about? Are you OK? You don't sound happy'

Ignore her. I gave up work 18 years ago when pregnant with my middle child. Now in my 50’s I’ve no desire to return to work and don’t plan to. Since my son moved to a residential house I get comments like “What do you do all day” and “I don’t know how you do it” etc etc. i just ignore them. I don’t get bored and find plenty to fill my days 🤷. Not sure why it bothers other people.

I'm glad you're experiencing so much happiness, but do you not think parts of your post read as being quite insulting to those of us without kids?

So as per everyone's suggestions I did text her... copy pasting our messages

Me: Just wondering if everything is okay, I've noticed you making some little comments about my life choices, wanting to be a mum young vs continuing a high paying career
Her: not sure what you mean? I'm super happy for you
Me: Just asking things like if I'd prefer to have a life of expensive watches rather than my kids or that it's unsexy for a man when a woman is raising his kids rather than out earning etc
Her: oh I didn't mean for it to come across that way, just meant I'm enjoying my work but happy you love your little family
Me: And what about the sexy comment?
Her: meant nothing by it, sorry if it came out wrong. I just know my bestie is a hottie and hope [DH] knows how lucky he is
Me: of course he knows! But whilst we're still very much physically attracted to each other (how do you think we made Bean?!), I'd say we both value other things more about each other, like being good parents to our kids and supportive partners to each other
Her: that's great

In reality though, what sort of decent job could you get after not having been out there for 18 years. The less you do the more you think you do.

Cool.
Perhaps add, so if you're all good and we can appreciate each others amazing lives, can we knock the disparaging remarks on the head please? Let's celebrate each others joys instead.

Or words to that effect.

I just kind of laugh, or with questions that ask for a response like the "would you go back for a 90K job?" I said "oh absolutely not, I'd be so sad to miss these years, my little girl will never be 1 again"