To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

YABU.

Her "I've just got that promotion I really wanted"
@pregnantbestie "Great. I'm pregnant again"

But the comparison/one-upmanship/competition/humble brag is only a problem when it's her doing it?

And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

OP literally says (It’s in the original post):

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM.

Doesn’t read like she just married her DH right after she graduated.

Statistics can be used to prove or disprove anything. It depends on the cross section of people asked and then what analysis is done on them, and then how they are presented.

"Statistics show men are happier when earning 50% more than their partners" could be "we asked all the men aged 30-35 in company X and 45% of them said this, 30% said they weren't bothered and 25% said they'd rather earn less". You could take that as the majority said they want to earn more. Or it could be the majority (55%) didn't care or would rather earn less.

Either you need to speak to her directly about how her comments make you feel, or you accept that this friendship has run its course.

@BingoMarieHeeler

not every woman wants kids you know !

No-one lies in the nursing home or on their deathbed saying " I wish I'd earned more, bought that designer dress, that fancy bag, spent more time in the office".

I do think she sounds insecure but honestly, she isn't covering with you. She is playing chess and you are playing peekaboo. The games are totally different. She probably can't understand why you have walked away from a career that you have invested so heavily into to financially rely upon a C man. And I get why you have, but I didn't understand parents until I became one myself. But unlike your friend I didn't step on other petites choices and deride them just because I didn't understand them.

Unfortunately we live in a very different work to the ones our parents and grand parents grew up in. Back in the 50s+ women were expected to stay home. Note we are expected to have a career but be doting full time mothers. Progress on the career ladder but put their kids first. Be financially independent but still attend every single school event. It's terrifying and your friend could well be looking at your life knowing she wants kids in the future but also wanting to have a career and not having a bloody clue how she would manage both. Or maybe she genies things you are barmy for it. Who knows. Either way, she isn't being very nice to you.

I’m saying OP’s ‘friend’s’ behaviour is ok but it’s so not but all those saying jealousy, it’s rubbish, its the mumsnet answer to everything!

Like there’s this idea that all ‘career women’ are only really treading water with their careers and underneath it all desperately hankering to be married with kids, and will ttc as soon as they meet someone etc. BULLSHIT! Not every woman wants kids, it’s not even the case that every woman wants to get married or be in a long term cohabiting relationship with a man.

hth those proclaiming jealousy to see the bigger picture a bit more.

@CampsieGlamper

no but I would imagine plenty of women wish they had travelled more, had more fun, made themselves a priority etc

Obviously not. But some might think I wish I had taken steps to be more independent to have been able to live my life the way I wanted to. Not relying on a man.

I think they both should respect each others decisions.

Not everyone child free lies on their deathbed thinking "I wish I'd had children" either, however much you may want to believe that.

She's not sad, she's not bitter, she's not jealous - all insults we who decide not to have children get frequently.

Nobody is saying she’s bitter and jealous because she’s decided not to have children. The “bitter and jealous” comes from her pretty obvious need to belittle the OP and her choices. I have a couple of childless friends. They’ve been very successful. They are happy. They don’t need to put others down or make snide comments about how they can afford to buy more stuff/look sexier or whatever.

She wants a baby, her boyfriend doesn't, shes insecure and trying to make her self believe shes ok with it when really shes worried about whether to stay, leave or let her fertile years pass her by.

Are the only options for someone with a law degree either to work 12 hour days or to be a sahm?
Surely not.
It's unusual these days to decide in your 20s that you're not going to work outside the home again until you're almost 40.

Why don’t you tell her everything you’ve posted in your first post?

If she’s truly a friend, she won’t want to hurt you and will stop being a cow. If she blows up at you and gives you more grief cut her loose.

You will have your answer either way and can then carry on without all her comments.

I definitely wish I had spent more time in the office and think about it daily!

However, generally I prefer friends who don't tell me how to run my life and I return the favour. My mum does enough of that!

No, she isn't.

OP just told her friend she was pregnant again (which friend would have to know some time, morning sickness when they get together for coffee etc), not bragging. And her friend goes ON AND ON AND ON picking at OP's life and putting her down. OP doesn't do that.

That's a great quip for the OP to make!

Also op you MAY choose to go back to work before your youngest goes to secondary school. We don’t know how we’re going to feel in years to come! @pregnantbestie

Why give up the friendship then? Why not just tell her that her comments are twatty, that you'd prefer it if she could respect your choices and not make comparisons between your lives all the time?

Crikey, sounds like she goes home at night and sobs that she doesn't have your life into her second bottle of champagne.

If it's not jealousy, why would she go on and on and on about it? She'd be happy with her life and wouldn't feel the need to put her friend down, to boost herself up. She is protesting too much. Of course it is!

I don't understand how you can have a best friend of so long, who you clearly talk to regularly, and not be able to raise this directly.
If she's otherwise a good friend, have a chat. She's in a very competitive work environment so maybe this has got to her and made her speak more bluntly than is appropriate.

I have an acquaintance who had their first baby in their late twenties, had several more and never went back to work other than part time work in local hospitality after their youngest went to uni. This was unusual even back in the late 80s when they had their first. People took career breaks but usually came back when their kids were at school.

I do agree that she is being rude.

But I always think, if you are happy (and therefore whilst a bit hurtful at times and therefore do need to be addressed, ultimately these comments aren't shaking you to your core/making you think you have a bad life) ,I would try and come from a place of thinking what is going on with her that might make her make these comments.

Sure, some people have said insecurity or jealousy, which it could definitely be, but one other thing I noticed is that you said she'd had a promotion, then you told her about your pregnancy and she came round to congratulate. Did you make any fuss over her promotion (other than a 'well done, happy for you' text) ? I know it might seem small to you, but I would try and understand her a bit before thinking about cutting off a friendship over it. It sounds like she's constantly seeking validation for her decisions and choices, which can signify lack of happiness in them, but can also signify that she just wants a bit of recognition for her successes also. Sounds like you've had a marriage, new home, two pregnancies now, and lots of (rightful) celebration around those things. Yes she overcompensating and coming across as a selfish, materialistic arsehole- but before binning her off (she might indeed deserve it), I would first ask when the last time was that you celebrated her? Maybe it might change her behaviour?