To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Absolutely this.

You should have actually spoken to her instead of texting. You are best friends..ir’s a bit shitty tbh.

Glad you got it out. It's awful when you let it fester. Hopefully you can both carry on as before?

And pps thinking dms talking about the love we have for our babies is wrong. It's indescribably strong. Or should be. As we know from stately homes threads etc not all women are nice to dcs. A lot should not have them. That love you feel when you first hold your baby is unreal. I can still remember it. I was worried I wouldn't have it after ds1 but I did.

Perhaps she's genuinely trying to figure out whether she is able to give up her financial life for children. She sounds a bit perplexed by your decision to give it up and enjoy time with kids and maybe worrying about whether she might make such a contented mother.

@storminaglassofwater are you bored? You seem to have come in this thread to have digs at the OP?

I'm with you on the original point, I've met men with all kinds of ideas on their partners...

• must want to be a SAHM popping out babies and entirely dependant on him
• must be an equal provider (and do ALL childcare/housework and "look after" her husband)
• must be an equal provider (and split all childcare/housework)
• must be an equal partner and contribute to the family either financially or physically equally.

Lucky for me mine is one of those who just wants a partner. How we split the responsibility between us doesn't matter as long as its all covered and no one is resentful or dependent. Its weird how close it can be though, cos his brother very much has to be the provider. He wouldn't be happy with someone who's earning could even potentially overtake his. We know this from things he's previously told DH and from comments he's made about DH wanting to be careful I don't emasculate him (because I have a good job and good progression potential IF I want it).

People often like to have their personal choices confirmed.

When others choose a different path, be it career vs SAHM, breast vs bottle, exercise vs sedentary life, some people aren't comfortable with it and seek to question and query and perhaps even sometimes put down the choices made by others.

I'd distance myself a bit op because it's not like she's being supportive, is it?

Just fade from view. No drama.

I think it’s her insecurities coming out

@CampsieGlamper No, but plenty think "I wish I'd saved enough to pay for care at home instead of the local authority placing me in a care home against my wishes because it's the cheaper option"

She would probably love to have your life but doesn't realise it yet x trouble is... she probably never experienced true love.... having a baby is so intense..... the whole pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding it's truly magical. I don't think I ever got what the fascination with staying at home and being a mother was until I became one.... it's mental.... the money, the freedom, the flash cars, the handbags and promotions.... none of it is important.... my baby's little smile, her giggle its my everything. Being her mum is everything x I just didn't get it before x how cringeworthy.

Everyone who has had a baby will tell you how wonderful it is when you first held him/her, the first weeks, months, the first smile, words, steps.

But all of that is temporary. Your cute little everything baby will grow up, go to school, make friends you don’t like, make choices you don’t approve of, and eventually they will leave home, and if you’ve spent your life making your baby your everything you will end up with nothing, because sooner or later she’ll be gone. And that time comes around quicker than you would think.

As I said upthread, I was a SAHM, and I too wore the rose-tinted glasses.

And I don’t judge anyone for staying at home with their young dc.

But life goes on after the DC, and if you don’t have anything that is your own identity then you are going to struggle.

And tbh I would be embarrassed to be accepting money from my parents for a house deposit if I had the ability to go to work and earn money to save for it.

Perhaps you and your friend are as bad as each other, desperate to prove that your way is superior

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I have a (female) friend who posts a lot of stuff on Facebook about how relationships can only really be “authentic”
if the man is the sole provider. There seem to be a few influencers (both male and female) who promote this idea: women can only “truly embody their feminine essence” if they’re being provided for by a man, and men are not “leading in their masculine” unless they are “taking care of” a woman. I find it genuinely shocking but these people seem to have no shortage of advocates!

A friend isn’t a friend if they make you feel bad about yourself

of course she may be unaware of the effect of her comments so before you bin her and your shared history it’s worth telling her how she’s making you feel and giving her an opportunity to explain why she’s doing it

I’ve had this at points in my life. A friend I’d had for years who I was happily single with, went on holidays together etc, then she got a boyfriend and I bumbled along as third wheel which was a bit crap but thought she was worth it. I met someone then and she split up with her boyfriend and declined invitation to my wedding as she couldn’t bear that I’d got married and she hadn’t. Decade of friendship lost.

Then another friend who couldn’t talk to me for 5 years as we’d both had miscarriages together and I managed to have a second child and she didn’t.

Some people aren’t great at being happy for their friends, they just make comparisons with their own lives instead of thinking about their friend

They aren’t good friends. Bin. Life is too short not to surround yourself with people that have your back and want good things for you and make you feel good about yourself

I worked and saved for my house deposit. But to buy where we live I'd have been in my 40s before I could have gotten the deposit together. And DH older. So yes, I accepted a contribution from my parents. And DH from his. Both were able to and wanted to. It is not embarrassing to have help from people who love you to set up your home for your family. In the same way that it's not embarrassing to not earn your own money because you're contributing to the family in a different way (raising the children).

100% this. Also: I read an interesting article recently where a woman in her 70s said: Stop asking people for advice, they only ever comment on what's relevant for them or based on their experience.

It sounds so obvious, right? I have tried to remember this line when people ask me for advice though and think of how I can be more thoughtful.

Absolutely. People only talk from their own experience and how it relates to them. Crashingly few are truly objective and seek to understand. Most people are hugely self centred in one way or another

Lots of people saying it’s wrong to suggest OP’s friend is jealous because not everyone wants kids. I do have kids and I’m jealous of OP: she’s going to have years of her kids being at primary (and quite possibly secondary) school while she doesn’t have to work. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me…!

@ZebraDanios these women scare me. Because they're raising children to think like this too.

I often wonder what they would (will?) do if their husband cheats on them (because his right it to do/have what he want) or leaves them. Or dies and they aren't properly set up.

I think you'd have been better speaking to her face to face but at least you've addressed it. I find her responses quite cold tbh, she isn't taking much accountability or engaging in much self examination.

From now on I'd make a point of saying something there and then in the moment if it happens again - hopefully it won't.

And focus on YOUR feelings. "When you ask that, it makes me feel criticised for my choices, and it makes me sad." For example. But hopefully it won't happen again!

I would cut back on the texting. You aren't teenagers and both sound like you have busy lives. Concentrate on your husband and family life.

Your “little family”. 🙄

Those texts don’t come across as sincere at all. I don’t think she’s done yet, OP.

It sounds very much like she is insecure about her own choices and uses validation and looking down as a way of bolstering her own feelings. I'd keep with the line, my choices are my own, I am content with my life, everyone is different and I am proud and happy for you but don't ridicule or berate me for my choices.

Honestly there are some people who are never fully happy, they are always chasing, and that is fine but I am also a person who is content with the choices we've made. And you are allowed to be tired or find things hard but still be happy at the same time!

You just said they're insults (when it happens to you).

@OVienna

lots of fifty something child free people are living their best lives

you see loads of posts on here about people who’s adult kids are making their lives hell

lots of people don’t plan their lives around maybe maybe being less lonely in their later years cos having kids is NO guarantee of that

OP focus on your life and ignore her. You are lucky to have a lovely family and sometimes it takes a long time for people to understand this rat race isn't worth it to sacrifice your youth and fertility for. So many women leave it for so long and then struggle to have a family later. You have made right choices and you don't need to justify to your frenemy.