To think if you can't handle the children you've got you should stop having kids?

[Absolutelybloomingflabbergasted]

I know this is subjective but, I wanted 3 kids and knew after 1 I wouldn't be able to handle a younger child and balance life effectively.

I'm sat on the train, and, this isn't the first occurrence.

A mother with 4 children, shouting at her baby, telling her she's naughty because she's upset and being a normal baby.

Yes, we all get stressed but she's blatantly lying to her, saying she needs to shut up as the train guards coming and doesn't want to hear her racket, threatening to throw her dummy in the bin for being bad. Saying she never should of taken them out, 'especially her' 'she's too bad to take out and always does this, she never learns and neither do I, next time she's staying home'

I understand parenthood is stressful, but now all the other kids are shouting at this poor child, who is still in a pram and looks no older than 1.5

I found toddlerhood the most stressful.

I understand pregnancy and children come unexpectedly but, I see this very frequently in my area, which is very poverty striken and there is not a great deal of support.

I feel so upset for this child.

I'm sick of seeing people having more children then they are phyiscally able to and then pretty much abusing them.

I came from a household that did similar and refuse to do this to not only myself but my children.

I know this will likely be conflicting but, I believe behaviour is echoed from the role model or parent, in general but especially in this case.

It makes me so sad.

Yes. it is strange they have so many kids when they dont enjoy the ones they have.

I have two and struggle!

My parents had 4 children and were unable to meet our emotional needs, as grown adults they struggle to be there for us and the growing number of grandchildren...

I don't believe that if you worked in safeguarding children you would have sat and watched this and the been so judgemental about it.

You could have reported it to someone working on the train who could have asked if there was a problem or called in to the station they were stopping at and have police waiting for them there...

You could have done something.
You're not responsible for this mother's behaviour
But you are responsible for yours.
Which is just as bad.

I'm actually staggered at the number of people creating excuses for this woman's behaviour. It doesn't matter how stressed you are, you do not get a carte blanc to abuse another human, verbally or physically. And she's happy to do both.

OP YANBU and I love how you stand your ground. I wish more prospective parents would think like this. Especially for those of us who have been that child.

Shitty parents do exist.

But bloody hell, people aren't doing that!

The OP's attitude is deeply unpleasant!

I’ve had a stressful day today, infact the whole month has been a stress but today in particular was bad. Whilst cooking dinner my oldest spilled some milk on the floor, normally no biggie and we laugh it off although she trotted off leaving it causing me to almost slip. Then I walked into the living room and she had decided to make slime. On the rug with zero protection as opposed to our table.I shouted and walked out.

I instantly went and apologised to her, she did take ownership of where she went wrong and I took responsibility for where I went wrong.

We all have those days but id never threaten to smack them or use strangers as a way of scaring them into behaving 🤯

YANBU. I find it odd how squeamish we are about saying this. I'm not. Gowing up in a part of the uk with high levels of poverty I have always observed that young women from lower working class backgrounds tend to have lots if kids in quick succession if they have done badly at school, recieved poor guidance from their own parents and thus don't see any other way of creating an adult identity. Being a mum creates meaning for themselves and a degree of financial independence (via state benefits), because they doubt they can achieve this via work (probably true, especially if you've been to a crap school and the only courses and careers suggested to you are care, or hairdressing etc.

These women are mostly capable of much more than just having loads of kids, but they don't believe that and neither do most of the people around them.

Bloody thank you for this comment.

Neither you nor I have any idea why.

Personally 4 would have taken me out of my comfort zone.

But I feel sad for the family if this is the only way she knows how to parent, and probably has no-one to guide her. I'd not be revelling in my superiority about how clever I was to quit having babies while I was ahead. That is why your thread has got people's backs up.

I know right, imagine the same excuses for a man verbally abusing his wife?

I think it’s the fact that the op is making a correlation between the parent’s abusive behaviour and the number of kids is what is getting peoples backs up .
I think it’s way more complex than this tbh especially if this is a deprived area. There are awful parents of one child also unfortunately. Sometimes when people choose to have one they like to really focus on the negatives of siblings or comfort themselves that they are making the right decision but basing it on extremes like what the op heard is ridiculous. I asked the op has she seen happy families with several kids ?
Also saying “why go on to have more when she can’t cope “; a myriad of reasons surely none of which we know . Actually it has jogged my memory of a really horrible thing I saw of woman with her dc in a pool changing room, she spoke to her so so badly and the dc looked terrified. It was chilling tbh. I told the staff outside , they were definitely concerned but prob nothing happened and I never saw her again. She had one child 🤷‍♀️

Thank you so much, I felt I really needed to respond to your message.

I really appreciate such kind words ❤️

I wish you all the best for your future x

Much better than you, clearly!

What's wrong with having a reaction to things you have insight on or experience of?
Also, we all judge other people all the time, its human nature. We are social animals and our norms are established by observing and copying others (or not).

But surely if you are a terrible parent to one child it is best to stop there? You can’t return the child. But if you keep having more… can you understand why people might judge that? You’ve just added to the suffering of even more people.

Oh honey, I wish that were true.

How childish.

Anyone who shouts at a baby needs serious help. It's so very wrong and inappropriate, they kind of lack basic humanity. 4 kids sounds like a nightmare in most circumstances.

I agree with your thread title but the story doesn't fully back it up IMO. This snippet is an example of a mother having far too much on her plate to deal with, on a train journey with a toddler who DGAF about anyone's mood as they are miserable and bored themselves. I agree with PP that talking like that publicly to a child is indicative she's not coping BUT, I assume if she's on a train, frazzled with 4 kids, she's probably not having the best day anyway.

If you cannot control the children you have then you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT have anymore, you're bang on!

@OutsideLookingOut but there’s so many reasons as to why someone maybe couldn’t stop there ? So so many , it’s nit that simple for everyone

@emmylousings op says she was this child ... So can relate to how these children may have been feeling in this situation..

How would op feel of her mum was publicly verbally abusing her and some woman on the train sat at watched

That's all very well, if you are a person of reasonable intelligence, in an equal relationship, with the means to support yourself.

Not everyone is in that fortunate position. If you're living in deprivation and possibly desperation as a result, potentially with (at least) an unsupportive partner, who knows how you would think?

I think a woman who has 4 children is probably quite mad to do it, but it's none of my business because I don't have to rear them and I don't judge her for it either.

You are free to believe whatever you wish to believe, I'm not obliged to try and fight my corner and plead how knowledgeable I am, but I'm stating, I'm not as uneducated as you may perceive I am.

You place a lot of blame upon myself, ultimately, I don't think your scenario is as simple as you make out to be.

You've heard one snippet, as have I.

You make you judgements, as shall I, such is this world and the Internet!

I've learnt venting is a good way to get the frustrations of situatuons that are out of my control to change. We also hold the ability to change our reactions to such situatuons.

We all have our coping mechanisms, so thank you for this.