AIBU to think DH should sleep with me when we have a guest?

[Pinkswans]

We have a four bed house and two children. One is 6 months and still sleeps with me, the other has his own room.

We have two big rooms with double beds in and DH and I have one each, due to snoring and bad backs and so on. That’s fine, but when we have guests. DH sleeps on the sofa downstairs. AIBU to think he should sleep with me and the baby?

What do you mean, sorry?

Try him sleeping with you when you can have a rest the next day and I doubt that you will get much sleep. Re his snoring has he been checked for sleep apnea?

I'm married to a very loud snorer.
He loves me & knows I need my sleep. So he sleeps in the spare room. I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

Our kids are older now so don't wake in the night. Can you call him on a phone or put a baby monitor for the 3 year old with him so he hears if they need him?

Well, but I don’t get much sleep anyway! I don’t know the reason for the snoring but it is loud.

I probably could @PrawnDumplings . But it just would take forever and quicker for me to sort. It’s nice knowing he’s there if there’s a problem even if I don’t actually disturb him.

Is your house massive then? that you cant nip down and get him?

(sorry that was snarky
maybe he should have a walkie talkie down there? or phone him or something?
)

So if you imagine what’s happening, DS has woken and that’s usually bad dream related, so I leave him crying while I get DH?

Or I’m feeding DD and he has to wait? Or I’m with DS and DD wakes and cries, it’s these sorts of things that don’t happen a lot in fairness but do seem to happen disproportionately when I’m alone or when DH is downstairs.

Anyway it isn’t a huge problem. I just threw it out there and the vote is split!

Honestly, I think I’d risk the very low chance of both kids waking up and me coping on my own/getting DH, over sleeping with a snorer and not getting any sleep, especially if there are guests who I have to entertain the next day.

Maybe he sleeps downstairs when you have guests so that he doesn't have to help with his children.

I'd feel a bit uncomfortable if I was the guest. I'd probably think you had either fallen out or I had turfed one you out of their usual bed for me to stay. I do have a tendency to over think things though

God I wish we had a spare room so I could escape the snoring

We have a similar situation as DH and I often sleep in separate rooms and he is a heavy sleeper and the walls are thick so wouldn't hear DD if she cried out. DD is almost 3 and DS almost 1 is in "our" room with me.

Our rule is that he must have his phone on him on loud, so that if she woke and I'm busy with DS I can just ring him and he'll immediately go to her.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, yes that would piss me off and I’d sleep on the sofa and tell him sauce for the goose… but if you are, I’d tell him if he doesn’t have his phone on loud next to him so I can call him without waking both children, then I will stomp downstairs leaving two wide awake children, shake him awake, send him up to spend the next 3 hours trying to get them both back to sleep, while I catch some sleep on the sofa. ‘Your choice Dh, but I swear on our baby’s life that I am serious and I will do this. You don’t do much help at nights anyway, so you have zero credit to take an opt out night.’

If the three year old wakes up while you are feeding the baby, couldn't you send them downstairs to wake daddy up, @Pinkswans?

He doesn’t actually get out of his bed!

Phone him

How often does this situation happen?

I think that you should get a pull out bed for DC1's room, so that DH can sleep in there if needed - unless the snoring would disturb DC1?

Wherever he is sleeping, whether the guest room or the sofa, DH should be dealing with all DC1's night wakings and should use a monitor so he can hear and respond.

You get precious little sleep as it is when you have a newborn; you shouldn't be getting up for DC1 as well, or be disturbed by DH joining you and snoring when you have guests.

Baby monitor for your 3 year old with the receiver in the living room with dh?

I can understand him not sleeping with you if you never sleep together, but if I was a guest I would think him sleeping on the sofa is very odd. I would think nothing of a couple having separate bedrooms, but him sleeping on the sofa would make me think you have fallen out.

Me and DH have a 3 bed home, and have a bedroom each. (And a spare bedroom.) We have slept separately for about a decade - due to his snoring - and I would never ever share with anyone again now. However, if we had not got a spare bedroom, I would never have guests. He would certainly not be sleeping on the sofa if we had guests, and neither would I!

I don't think that there is anything wrong with separate bedrooms and think sharing a bedroom (and a bed) with your spouse is just for those in the first flush of romance. Many upper class and middle class people have separate bedrooms, and some years ago, a married couple sharing a bedroom would usually only be people with a low income/a small home.

My older DD (nearly 30) has been with her DH for 12 years and lived with him for 9 (recently married.) She said about 7 years ago that it's 'weird' for a married couple to not share a bedroom.

She and her DH have just recently moved into a large 5 bed house. Bedroom 1 is their office - they both WFH some of the week. Bedroom 2 is for guests... It has a double bed. Bedroom 3 - the smallest bedroom (10 X 10,) they have made into a walk-in wardrobe (and they also keep their CDs, records, books, DVDs, and video games, and so on in there - (and there is also a single bed for extra guests,) and bedrooms 4 and 5 are 'his and hers.'

So even at just 30, they have separate bedrooms now. I have not said anything to her yet, but I do feel like saying 'I thought it was 'weird!'

I find it weird too, but then I've just told my friend that we've just stopped cosleeping at 3 months and my husband's back in the bed, and she's acting all concerned about our intimacy (nudge nudge wink wink).

I was recovering from stitches for the first 8 weeks FFS! And my husband was summoned for any help I needed in the night.

We're far nicer to each other when we've both had a decent night of sleep!

Phone on loud is the answer. Unless you have people all the time it's not a massive issue. If he sleeps with you then his snoring will be an issue every night so why get het up about a possible issue, when you've got a solution to the ongoing issue?

DP and I have separate rooms due to his excessive snoring, if we have guests they can sleep in his room and DP can sleep on the sofa or DP will have my room and I will sleep with DS, there is no way any of us will put up with DP's snoring, guest or no guest!

So yes you're being unreasonable!

Put a baby monitor in DS room and leave the listening device with your DP and tell him to respond to DS as you’re dealing with DD’s wake ups. Problem solved.

He’s an adult and should sleep where he chooses. I think you’re embarrassed and worried what others think. If that is the case maybe not have people sleeping over, I couldn’t think of anything worse having two young children and people staying over.