To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

At the meeting you make it very clear your son is not the issue here and why should he move away from something he is enjoying

the other child should be stop to stay away from your child, therefore if yours is playing at the water table the other cannot

your child should also not be told off for moving

I would insist on seeing the safeguarding policy and state very clearly that if they don’t stop punishing your child then you will go to the Governors , Ofsted and everybody else

I’d be furious!! The school has a duty to keep your child safe and they’re failing miserably. I’d go completely nuclear. Please document every instance.

So you have a child who is a bully i take it? I have no doubt you'd rather your kid spent all day with someone who would tolerate their child being hurt by yours as opposed to the rest of us who would stand up and strongly say no.

That's a great update @Pillowchase

I'm glad you focused on your son during the meeting. The school were much more likely to hear what you were saying, rather than if you were ranting about the other child.

Well done. I'm glad too that you feel empowered to continue to fight for your boy.

As the parent of a SEN child who has occasionally lashed out. We took this very seriously as his parents, apologised to the children in question, told the school to remove him if it was necessary and ultimately we removed him from school entirely, the final straw for us was that there were 29 other children in that class and he was damaging their education and very occasionally hurt them which was not acceptable even with his significant SEN.
Parents that ignore these behaviours because of SEN needs are why SEN children are treated so poorly, you need to work with the school for everyone's benefit

What an absolute load of noise

I work im a school and reception this year has 9 children that require 1-1 TA's because of their violent behaviour . This now means there is only 2 TA's (me being one of them) to help in classes as all the others have to be based in the EYFS area to keep other children safe. One reception teacher is on sick leave with stress and the other is in tears at the end of most days. Schools have to show inclusion and although some of these children spend alot of time basically running around the playground they also have to be seen to be in the class for part of the day and however close the TA's are some of these kids go from 0-100 in less than a second. Most of these children have SEN and I think before covid these children would probably have been assessed in nursery and gone straight to a special school but with funding being pulled they now have no choice but to go to mainstream. I also think parenting has slackened since covid and parents seem to allow their children to be badly behaved and disipline seems to be virtually non existent now in home and at school. We have a few who are scared to come into school in the morning because they are scared they will get hurt and this so is not right!

You sound like an amazing parent keeping both your son's needs and other children's needs ❤️

👏 You sound amazing, I Hope your son has got the education he deserves in the end.

@momonpurpose @Shadowsindarkplaces
Thanks. It's hard and we might just about survive it. Home Education is probably where we will stay and he is loving it 😀 but it is so hard and having him by my side 24/7 with his siblings too is an insane challenge but we have to do whatever is best for him no matter how hard it is. No child should be being abused at school or scared to go, or punished for something out of their control, my heart goes out to the OP

@BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop predictably missing the point entirely & no, my child is not a bully. I will try and be nicer about it to avoid getting deleted... attitudes of parents are reflected in their children. The children of parents who call small autistic children abusive bullies, are often the ones who provoke them and then run to the teacher as soon as they retaliate. They are the ones who blame something on that child even if they were not in the room. I've seen it time and time again and I stand by it. It's not about making excuses or not standing up for the child who is being hurt. It's about understanding what is really happening, being mindful of your language and being the sort of person you want your child to become.

& for the record, I agree that there are many children in mainstream education who shouldn't be there. However the system is what it is & it's really hard to get specialist provision.

Nobody said he was autistic did they?

No they didn't. I'm making an assumption because it's common for behaviours like this to come from an autistic child who is struggling to cope in the environment. If he had a diagnosis would he no longer be a bully? Since it takes a fair few years for most kids maybe we could hold off on calling him that until we know for sure.

@arbitraryarsehole I'm not missing any point and I stand by what I said. MN saw your initial post for the crock of shit that it was and deleted it.

"The children of parents who call small autistic children abusive bullies, are often the ones who provoke them and then run to the teacher as soon as they retaliate". So you're implying that the OPs son is potentially picking on and provoking the bully (let's call the other child exactly what he is) and that's why the bully is being violent towards him? Nice bit of victim blaming there.

Clearly you have a child who is a bully like the one in the OP and you're very sensitive about the whole situation. I hope you and your child get the help that you both need

Oh it's actually ridiculous now - I specifically said the OP sounded lovely and not like the other people who responded.

but sure, say what you want. You'll jump to ridiculous conclusions no matter what I say.

That’s one hell of an assumption. Not all autistic people are aggressive. My best friend is autistic and is probably the person least likely to engage in any kind of violent behaviour that I can think of.

"Clearly you have a child who is a bully like the one in the OP and you're very sensitive about the whole situation. I hope you and your child get the help that you both need"

LOL

"That’s one hell of an assumption. Not all autistic people are aggressive. My best friend is autistic and is probably the person least likely to engage in any kind of violent behaviour that I can think of."

Is she 4?

And let’s not lose sight of the primary victim here which is OP’s son.

No but I’ve known her since she was a child and she wasn’t aggressive then either.

You wouldn’t be spouting such shite if it was your child being attacked everyday

Because no doubt it is or has been her own child doing the attacking in the past, hence why she's so sensitive about so many posters on this thread calling a spade a spade.

urgh this place is vile.

you win. bye.

I just don't know when autism become an acceptable excuse for violence. At what point are other kids / adults needs taken into account?
It used to be that helping these children to fit in to society better was the aim, but now this is seen as ableist. But what replaces this? Just do whatever because you can't be expected to follow rules? Allow other small children to have to be evacuated from their classroom almost every day?
What happens when they turn 18 and still can't understand?