Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

He was looking for a reaction- that's why he told you the amount. Your reaction just wasn't the one he wanted. He possible wanted to hear sympathy, or praise for his actions.

That's far worse! Yes it wasn't a great comment but the fact is she is quite lucky to have that safety net. Many children lose a parent and don't have a pot to piss in.

I agree with this 100%. Obviously you were commenting on the sum of money itself, separate from how she came to it. The comment may have been a bit clumsy but he kind of invited a comment like that by mentioning the sum. You don't need to beat yourself up for this at all.

I agree. He should accept your apology. And it isn’t as though the mum died recently, it sounds like it was many years ago, so these are not people in the throes of raw grief.
He was the one who brought up his daughter’s inheritance- and she is fortunate to be inheriting a large sum.

Sometimes we say something thoughtless and it causes hurt to others. You’ve apologised and accepted that it was a thoughtless comment. Hopefully they will now move on from this as hopefully they know you well enough to know that the comment wasn’t intended with any malice. It’s absolutely shit she lost her mum at a young age and money won’t bring her mum back but the provision her Dad has made for her will make financial life easier for her.
I am an over thinker and I would be upset if I thought I’d caused some upset so hope you are ok

That was a really thoughtless comment to make, and I hope you realise that now. I know a young widower, his wife died last year, leaving their 2 small children without a mum. Life insurance paid off the mortgage, plus a large lump sum, so he has no immediate financial concerns, but I wouldn't dream of telling him he's lucky.

sunglassesonthetable but OP isn't that remorseful. She's started this thread (which is identifiable) complaining that he over-reacted

Hmm I don't see starting a thread as particularly ' un remorseful 'either way. I think it's the kind of thing you'd do to get something of your chest.

I think she sort of wants posters on here to make her feel better. Fair enough.

But I think the point is that that she made a mistake and move on.

Not that he's totally out of order.

( For the record I'm bereaved and wouldn't react like him or wish to. But I can't speak for HIS feelings )

Absolutely they 100% over reacted.

Something bad happened to them, not a crime to point out how he’s managed to give his daughter something positive. Her mum died, doesn’t mean every single aspect of her life is unlucky.

His response seems reasonable. He's just explained how he feels and asked you to be more careful in what you say.

With messaging there is no way of judging tone. Be careful not to read things into a message that aren't there.

Tbh, I've had similar comments, like I'm lucky to have paid my mortgage off. It does hurt.

You've apologised, he seems to have accepted it. Move on

I do think they overreacted. You say the money came from the sale of a house, not inheritance from the mum passing away. She hasn't got the money because her mum died.

I understand where they're all coming from.

I can also imagine myself thinking (and possibly saying) the same thing in a similar conversation because, like you, £800,000 is an insane amount of money in my eyes!
As others have said, there was no need for him to mention the sum of money. That is looking for a reaction.

At the end of the day, you've apologised, nothing else to be said or done. Just hope they move on eventually.
I, like you, would probably be overthinking something like this for months. I already am after making a thoughtless comment a few months ago - the other person in question unfriended me on social media and has been 'off' with me at work despite me apologising and wanting things to be more friendly. I've learned my lesson though and can't do anything more really. Just get on with my work while I'm there and try not to rock the boat!

It's not an over-reaction on their part. It sounds incredibly rude to have said that tbh, when you obviously knew their situation and how they are able to be in the situation of the child having that money.

Just out of interest - Why did you say it? Also if a number of your colleagues/ friends who you were out with have messaged you afterwards to say how inappropriate it was then, i would take their opinion over any of us on here.

Not an over reaction. You were insensitive and focussed on the money, not the loss of life.

How on earth have you managed to get this from the posters question!? How odd!

Complete overreaction and why is he telling people at work about his finances. Sounds like he’s boasting if he’s also told you all how he’s mortgage-free etc. There’s always one (at least)

Yep

You said something thoughtless, immediately realised - apologised in the moment, and then followed up with another apology later. Obviously you don’t think she’s lucky to have lost her mum, that’s not what you meant, and they obviously all know that too. I think he should have been more gracious in accepting your apology- it’s clear there was no malice behind what you said. I’m not sure why 2 colleagues felt they had to message you when you had already said sorry. Big over-reaction from them. I would probably message him saying ‘Yes, I know, as I say I’m very sorry for speaking without thinking it through, OP’. and then I’d honestly distance myself from these colleagues. Way too much drama.

You apologised at the time and later on via text message.

The 3 people who messaged you about it need to get a fucking grip. Total overreaction.

Honestly, I think if he’d said ‘my DD has £800K waiting for her’ and you’d said ‘oh right, wow! That’s good then!’ He’d have said ‘There’s nothing good about her mum dying.’ Why is he even mentioning the amount, very strange.

Exactly. What did he want people to say? ‘£800,000, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear that’.

Agreed.
A lot of us sometimes say things in the moment without thinking, and whilst the comment was indeed thoughtless and insensitive, you realised and apologised.

I am another one that is not sure why he felt the need to mention she has £800,000 waiting for her. What did he expect people to say? That’s a huge amount of money, it seems he got that from selling and downsizing etc. of course he probably wouldn’t of downsized had her mum not passed, and of course you didn’t in a billion years mean she’s lucky her mum passed.

Yes I do think what you said was a little insensitive, but you’ve apologised twice. There’s not much more you can do. Of course she’d rather have her mum that money, but she will never have to worry about money or house deposits etc. she is “lucky” in that sense, which I’m assuming is what you were commenting about.

I would say just leave it now and try and move on, I don’t think it needed 3 colleagues to text you saying you upset colleague.

I’ll add to my comment, the reason we have our house is because my husbands Nan left us a large sum of money for inheritance. He would hands down rather have his Nan here, but in a sense he feels grateful and “lucky” that money wasn’t a stress for us and we could purchase our own home.

I agree @PremiumRaa. There is absolutely no need for him to mention the amount of money.

She is a lucky girl to be financially secure. That doesn’t mean that losing her mother is less of a tragedy. It’s perfectly obvious that OP isn’t commenting on the latter and there is a bit of moral high ground aggression about him. If he talks about money so specifically he is going to get comments about it.