Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

586 replies

Clemcy · 31/01/2024 23:29

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 01/02/2024 08:51

Zfactorstar there is absolutely no reason for op to apologise yet again. And the fact it was a man has nothing whatsoever to do with the thread

GobletSquats · 01/02/2024 09:00

LunaNorth · 31/01/2024 23:34

I think that you misspoke. People do it all the time. You’ve apologised, and now it’s time to move on.

100%

It was a poor choice of words, which you acknowledged and apologised for. That should be the end of it. Don't dwell on it or allow others to make a meal of it.

Didimum · 01/02/2024 09:05

Cincinnatus · 01/02/2024 08:04

Keep your jealousy in check in future.

This really. I’m not sure why your story had to go into detail about the value of your own home and how you think it’s an unnecessary amount of money. It’s inconsequential, but suggests he might have been able to detect some malice in your voice/reaction that was uncalled for.

I also don’t think you get to decide on the reaction or emotion one feels when discussing the passing of the mother of his children.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 01/02/2024 09:05

OP you seem to think that because your comment was thoughtless, your colleague had no right to be upset by it.

He is as entitled to be hurt as you are to say whatever comes into your head.

Saying 'be careful what you say' in his response suggests to me that he accepts that it was thoughtlessness on your part, he thinks you haven't realised how hurtful he found it, and he wants you to take that on board so you don't do it again.

Topseyt123 · 01/02/2024 09:07

pootlin · 01/02/2024 05:57

No she doesn’t need to apologise again and she has nothing to be contrite for, he’s a manbaby loving the drama.

Edited
Show quote history

I hardly think a manbaby would have set aside what was probably most of the proceeds from the sale of the property to eaae his daughter's passage into adulthood.

He was very unwise to reveal the figures publicly but that doesn't make him a manbaby, which is an inappropriate assumption in my view. He's a widower and a single parent. I am sure both he and his daughter would prefer that his wife was still alive in place of the money.

Yes, OP will probably need to apologise once more (not continually on a loop): for her foot in mouth moment. She will need to be contrite and not imply an overreaction, which could be seen as dismissive. Then move on. I'm sure she has learned her lesson. Maybe/hopefully he will have too and won't be so public with his financial affairs in future.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/02/2024 09:12

I don't think OP meant to be hurtful. It was thoughtless and tactless. It was A MISTAKE in these circumstances.
She acknowledges that.

( Also It is pointless for posters to point out how logically, this man's daughter IS lucky- that's irrelevant - we're talking about what is a gracious, sensitive thing to say in the circumstances )

But exactly WHO here has not made a mistake, EVER? Could they post please?

This man for whatever reason is not being particularly gracious in return. From personal experience, he will have heard worse. But it is kind of his prerogative to be sensitive.

OP has apologised, she could do so again, but if it's a heartfelt apology the matter is done.

The colleagues seem to be egging the drama. Ignore them.

Tbh

cupcakesarelife · 01/02/2024 09:20

well, he sounded like he was boasting about it tbf. I know people whose parents died and left the kids with nothing. So yes she is lucky and it is sad her mum died. Two things can be true. Should you have said it out loud, probably not, but it’s a bit weird someone talking money like this (almost a mill!) to a bunch of colleagues! I think you did enough - apologised. You are not satan.

whatkatydid2014 · 01/02/2024 09:21

@Clemcy - reading your OP again it sounds like the whole conversation was around setting kids up for uni and what was in place for that. Did this guy even mention something about his wife dying when explaining his daughters set up or did he explain about money in place as he downsized/saved etc in this conversation and you were aware he’d lost his wife from previous discussions? If the latter I do feel like most people could have momentarily forgotten his circumstances or just not connected them to the conversation at hand & that this is more about him having a tough time at the moment for whatever reason and feeling super sensitive than what you said. I also think if that’s the case your other colleagues are being very OTT messaging you about it.

Anjea · 01/02/2024 09:23

Very thoughtless on your behalf but not said with malice.

It'll be forgotten soon. Don't let them milk it.

QueenBean22 · 01/02/2024 09:28

It was thoughtless but it wasn’t with bad intention, and it’s not like you have let it go without an apology.

Id day let it go but be more mindful of how you word things in the future, I’m sure you will be

Butterandtoast · 01/02/2024 09:28

You've apologised, that should be the end of it now.

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 09:29

Universalsnail · 31/01/2024 23:35

Yes they are overreacting.

It is incredibly lucky and privileged to have that much money aside for you like that.

That does not mean that the circumstances that it came about are not awful, but tbh many children loose a parent and do not end up with that amount of money. She is lucky.

When my partner's Dad died it meant we suddenly had his inheritance to buy a house with. We could never have otherwise. We're we lucky to inherit that money, yes. We're the circumstances awful. Yes. Would my partner rather have had his Dad alive, absolutely yes. All 3 are true.

Edited

Oh god awks!
I agree with this post though.
He knows you didn't mean that she's lucky her mum died.
You've apologised op.
It's up to him to move on now. Really nothing more you can do.

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2024 09:29

Boobettes · 31/01/2024 23:38

I know you feel bad about blurting that out without thinking, but you're dismissing his hurt as an over reaction and that's even worse, because you've had the time to think about it!

@Boobettes And, even worse, posting this thread for all the world to see

OpieMo · 01/02/2024 09:29

I think it was an overreaction, but understandable when someone has been through grief.

Honestly, as someone who lost my mum when I was young and who was left with nothing (actually had to go into debt to afford the funeral and headstone), I do bristle a bit when people can't recognise their privilege if they were able to lose a loved one AND then not financially struggle/suffer. It is not lucky to lose someone but it is lucky that they will have such immense privilege for the rest of their lives.

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 09:30

resipsa · 31/01/2024 23:38

I've said crass things and had them said to me. You have apologised. Try not to dwell. Time will make it better.

This.

DamnSpots · 01/02/2024 09:30

I think it was an overreaction. You misspoke and apologised straight away, that should have been the end of it. No need for people to be messaging you afterwards to berate you for it, nor for the colleague in question to respond to your second apology so gracelessly.

(I lost my Mum quite young, and people do sometimes say slightly thoughtless stuff - it can sting a bit, but not enough to wang on about it for ages afterwards)

LadyKenya · 01/02/2024 09:31

I think good on them for letting you know that you spoke thoughtlessly. How many times on here, have we seen posts from people stewing for weeks over what someone has said to them, and then acting off around them, instead of just saying something. The colleague was right in what he said, even though you were not being unkind on purpose. Hopefully that is the end of it now.

Northernnight · 01/02/2024 09:33

It was thoughtless but you have apologised twice. Your comment was in reaction to his boasting, no one likes a bragging twit

Don’t apologise anymore, if they are still going on about it I would view that as bullying

OpieMo · 01/02/2024 09:33

cupcakesarelife · 01/02/2024 09:20

well, he sounded like he was boasting about it tbf. I know people whose parents died and left the kids with nothing. So yes she is lucky and it is sad her mum died. Two things can be true. Should you have said it out loud, probably not, but it’s a bit weird someone talking money like this (almost a mill!) to a bunch of colleagues! I think you did enough - apologised. You are not satan.

Edited

This. It's a bit insensitive tbh of him to react this way. I wonder if he's ever known anyone who has lost a loved one and then as a result been left with significant debt or financial stress? We're not all lucky enough after losing a loved one to be left wealthy.

PrawnDumplings · 01/02/2024 09:33

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 01/02/2024 06:34

Oh and he was really rude to not accept your genuine apology. "Careful what you wish for" He sounds like a right knob. You apologised (needlessly imo) What the hell else does he want?

Yep

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 01/02/2024 09:35

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2024 09:29

@Boobettes And, even worse, posting this thread for all the world to see

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this.

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2024 09:35

sunglassesonthetable · 01/02/2024 09:12

I don't think OP meant to be hurtful. It was thoughtless and tactless. It was A MISTAKE in these circumstances.
She acknowledges that.

( Also It is pointless for posters to point out how logically, this man's daughter IS lucky- that's irrelevant - we're talking about what is a gracious, sensitive thing to say in the circumstances )

But exactly WHO here has not made a mistake, EVER? Could they post please?

This man for whatever reason is not being particularly gracious in return. From personal experience, he will have heard worse. But it is kind of his prerogative to be sensitive.

OP has apologised, she could do so again, but if it's a heartfelt apology the matter is done.

The colleagues seem to be egging the drama. Ignore them.

Tbh

@sunglassesonthetable but OP isn't that remorseful. She's started this thread (which is identifiable) complaining that he over-reacted

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2024 09:36

fluffyduvetcover · 01/02/2024 08:32

The parent of a friend of my late son's said ' At least you don't have to worry about the bloody traffic up to the school next term'
16 year old son died end of summer term, this was said late August

In comparison I think your 'lucky girl' was rather unfortunate but not horrendous.

@fluffyduvetcover words fail me

shreknjumps · 01/02/2024 09:40

Oh fgs, of course he's overreacting. People like this piss me right off, you can't say a thing in case you offend their sensitive little soul but it's fine for him to go on about a 16 year old having nearly a million quid during a convo about uni fees. Fuck me 🙄

OriginalUsername2 · 01/02/2024 09:41

Teeheehee1579 · 31/01/2024 23:42

Yes I do think they overreacted - you obviously did not mean isn’t she lucky her mum died, you meant she’s lucky to have the money that she will have. And she is lucky to have the money. Obviously not lucky her mum died. Both can be true. You apologised and I think his response should have been far more gracious given the lack of intent to hurt and offend.

Agreed.