Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

We had a similar fallout in my workplace. We work mixed shifts. One colleague lost her only child to cancer before school age. A different colleague was complaining about the cost of childcare and actually said to the first colleague, "you are actually kind of lucky that you don't have to worry about this stuff". I mean c'mon. What is wrong with people. There is no need to voice a positive silver lining in someone else's situation.

Ugh, people seize every opportunity to take offence nowadays.

It's pretty fucking obvious that you meant she was lucky to have nearly a million quid waiting for her, rather than how lucky she was to have her mum die... YEARS AGO!

I hate people who create drama out of nothing. Life is hard enough without just stirring up trouble for the fun of it, as he should bloody well know by now. And if not, fuck him.

I think he is purposely making a drama out of it.

He lost his wife years ago and although the grief must have stayed with him it is not like this is a recent bereavement he has not had time to process.

Him mentioning the amount of money sounds like bragging to me.

Yes, your comment was thoughtless but you were not being malicious.

Absolutely no need to start involving the whole office in this...

I really don't think this is genuine upset and more of a trouble maker.

Honestly the only one coming across as horrible from this comment is you.

Lots of people put their foot in their mouths. It wasn’t said nastily, it was a mistake. It doesn’t make OP stupid or horrible.

I have ADHD and my foot is regularly in my mouth. I’m neither stupid nor horrible. And neither is the OP.

I don't think you should have said it, but you did and then you apologised, and he should have accepted the apology as it was offered – in good faith.
He didn't need to say the faintly threatening 'be careful what you say'. And three other people messaging you about it is a bit of a pile-on.
I do think he was a bit crass mentioning the amount of money.

You just didn’t think. You weren’t being malicious.

I do actually think people are being a bit dramatic to keep going on about it.

I think it’s an overreaction given it was probably obvious you were just thoughtless. It sounds like you immediately apologised. Given that, him being so upset that three colleagues feel the need to text is excessive.

Not sure why he needed to clarify the amount. Sounds like maybe he was expecting a reaction. I would try my best to move on as it seems he is unwilling to accept your apology

Overreaction. And incredibly crass of him to mention the amount. If he had said “Thanks to an inheritance from her late mum/my wife, my daughter won’t need to worry about money” then you wouldn’t have said what you did.

Another poster who I simultaneously hope doesn't say these things out loud to bereaved people (because god, can you imagine being on the receiving end of this bile), but in a way I hope she does as she certainly needs a comeuppance.

I don’t blame anyone for their reaction in this painful situation, but if you are generally known to be a kind person then I think they should ideally let it go at this point. Obviously you were just reacting to the financial side and not the reasons why, which is a bit thoughtless but clearly not that you were saying her overall situation is lucky. I lost a parent as a child and I think in that position I would have just said oh I understand you didn’t meant that as it sounded. People do say the wrong thing sometimes, we all do and if you know someone is well meaning then best to maybe say one thing and move on. Which hopefully your colleague will do.

And yes mentioning the amount was a bit crass!

I think that comment is very different, infinitely worse and I couldn’t forgive that.

It's not a pile-on if they did it separately though? That's the bit I'm most curious about though. I think the widower can be excused his slightly ungracious reaction but the three colleagues... if they all worked together to pile on the OP that's definitely out of order. But if they didn't know the others were also messaging, that implies to me that the OP's comment was a lot more tactless than she's told us, OR she has a history of these things and everyone reached their limit, OR she works with people who are all unusually willing to stick their beaks in.

The thing about comments that other people find offensive, even when you did not mean to be offensive, is that the offense has been caused. once you have established that you did not mean to cause the offense you can then set about 'making up for that offense' with a sensitive comment. Not to simply remove any blame from yourself but to actually address what the other person feels.

It was a spectacularly insensitive thing to say. So hopefully your personal, kind comments to your colleague will convince him that you were simply not thinking straight.

I don't understand why so many people think you were just thoughtless, but he was deliberately bragging or looking for a reaction. Surely it's more likely that he was thoughtless too? You (luckily for you) can't imagine what it's like to lose a partner. He (luckily for him) can't imagine what it's like to be financially insecure. You were both, understandably, at best careless and at worst crass. You have apologised so all that remains to be done is to learn from it and move on.

I think this is different. The person who made the comment in your scenario seems to have said it as a fully formed thought that she had taken to its conclusion. Whereas OP made the comment and then realised the implication.

We were able to buy our house due to my husband's dad dying at age 50. The number of people who have said some version of "aren't you lucky?!" is quite staggering. I see my husband wince every. single. time.
It is not an overreaction. Accept that you made a thoughtless comment, it sounds like you've apologised sincerely but he is totally allowed to be upset.

Yes probably not the appropriate comment to make under the circumstances, but it was a genuine mistake and not in any way malicious. You have apologised, if he wants to rub your nose in it then I think that puts him in the wrong.

Lots of people lose a parent and don't have £800k waiting for them in the bank so you're not wrong but it probably wasn't the best thing to say it aloud at that point ;)

I don't think e text from the work colleague is an over reaction

That really isn’t the same thing. OP wasn’t thinking about the girl’s mum when she made her comment. The person in your example was.

Well, your wish is unlikely to come true, but if anyone tried to give me that comeuppance I would tell them to shove it up their arse. We all have our sorrows in life, there is no need to weaponise them against other people to make them feel bad.

I mean it's an inane pointless comment and I imagine it would make me sad in a reflective personal kind of way but I couldn't imagine making someone else feel bad about that.

My wife hasn't died though and maybe I'm being harsh.

@gannett I agree. I wouldn't usually expect three different colleagues to contact OP