Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Was this comment meant to demonstrate to OP that she was merely thoughtless, but here's how to be a real cunt? You don't get to call widows/widowers babies for being upset about their dead spouse, good grief. I hope you don't say this sort of thing out loud (or perhaps I hope you do as you'll certainly learn your lesson swiftly).

I don't think anything about the OP's situation is unusual. It was a thoughtless comment and she's now getting to feel the consequences of it, which aren't really a big deal. Perhaps his reaction wasn't the most gracious but as a PP wisely said this is a time to extend grace for being human to all involved.

Multiple colleagues texting the OP separately is a little odd actually. I've been present where one person has said something awfully tactless to another but I wouldn't stick my beak in (unless it was to provide missing info). I wonder what the context is there.

You did put your foot in it a bit there, yes. But in his position I wouldn't have mentioned the amount of money. As lots of other posters have said, plenty of people lose a parent at this age and do not inherit large sums of money.

Keep your jealousy in check in future.

I think it was an over reaction. Yes losing her mum is unlucky but having £800,000 is incredibly fortunate. And you have apologised.

Maybe it was a bit thoughtless but you didn't mean to say anything horrible and it's hard to know what to say when someone talks about that amount of money.

But tactless really.

For those posters laying into the OP. How long are you supposed to feel chewed up about it then? You make a mistake and say something out of turn but with no malice. You then offer an apology. I’m not sure what else is supposed to happen. I’m sure the OP will internally cringe about it for years to come when she thinks about it. ( I would anyway) but what else can realistically happen at this point?

Blimey he needs to develop a thicker skin! Yes it was a bit thoughtless but the 3 colleagues should really mind their own business. She is lucky to have that much money despite the circumstances.

I lost my mum very suddenly and I've learnt over the years that people do make insensitive comments without thinking. One ex friend said I was so much luckier than her as I had a brother and she was an only child. A colleague was aware of the situation but still said once how wonderful mums are and how she couldn't imagine not having hers. Insensitive remarks but I didn't dwell on it

To be fair if you’d said something like “she’s a lucky girl to have had you” it would have been fine. That’s really what was lucky, that she had a dad so sensible and dedicated to her welfare.

Just admit again that you were thoughtless and say sorry. It’s not v complicated.

@divebar I assumed it just happened, not that it's been going on for weeks?

Controversial, but you're right though, aren't you?

Thousands and thousands of children deal with parental loss. I have known people that lost their parents at a young age to addiction, or they had really bad childhoods. Nothing had been left to them.

My dad died when I was 6 (cardiac arrest at age 35 due to undiagnosed heart condition). We were quite a working class family and my mum had to use the very little money left to get us a house to live in (we lived in Royal Navy barracks at the time).

In the circumstances if I could have my parent back or £800,000, of course I would pick the parent.

Death is sadly part of life though and that girl IS very lucky that she has a thoughtful and smart father who created her a nest egg so she doesnt need to worry about the bigger things later in life!

I think they are all over reacting, that's an insane amount of money for any young person to have without working for it! Unless it's literally the insurance payout from her mum's death I don't think it's THAT tactless to say so.

The other people all texting to tell you he was upset staff just jumping on you so they can feel superior.... much like some of the posters on this thread

I don't think they overreacted. Telling you that you were crass and hurt someone's feelings isn't overreacting. If they kept bringing it up repeatedly in future that would be over the top, but telling you that you've caused pain at the time isn't overreacting.

You're just upset that they aren't doing the "polite" thing of smoothing this over and pretending it didn't damage your relationship. They're holding you accountable for the pain your thoughtless comment caused and you don't like that.

@Nofilteritwonthelp

You’re right… I just re-read it it was yesterday. There just seems to be a general atmosphere that pervades nowadays where mistakes are really put under the spotlight and magnified. I wouldn’t apologise a third time ( as someone has suggested) - what does that achieve that the other two didn’t. I’d not mention it again and move on and let this chap do what he’s going to. ( I personally think he was crass talking about amounts of money like that but some people are very money oriented)

@Clemcy

You didn’t mean it the way it came across and you’ve apologised. I don’t think you should be made to feel any worse than you do already.
I wonder if there is more to this : work dynamics and a group seeing an opportunity to make you feel worse than you need to.
Time will let this blow over, but I think just keep conversations professional for a while.

The guy sounds unpleasant. I would write back and say:

Once again, I am truly sorry for saying something thoughtless which caused upset.

For those of us who don't have and never will have that much equity, it can be shocking to realize how different life is for other people (for whatever the reason).

A colleague was aware of the situation but still said once how wonderful mums are and how she couldn't imagine not having hers. Insensitive remarks but I didn't dwell on it

Yes. I've had colleagues say how wonderful grandmothers were and how they couldn't imagine being without them. Both mine were dead by the time I was 11. Same group of colleagues asked me whose funeral I'd been to because I was dressed in black - the answer was 'my granddad's, thanks for asking. Didn't have time to change before coming to the pub and I fancied a G&T'. None of this was meant nastily and the second thing I thought was quite funny, in a very, very black way.

What the OP said was thoughtless and I can understand the upset. But there's something quite holier than thou about the reaction. I can imagine them all winding each other up. If they drop it now, I'd say it's not an overreaction. If they hold a grudge after the OP has apologised, then it is.

Of course it's an over reaction. You apologised at the time. End of.

So sick of the whiny thin skinned thought police being triggered by bloody everything, no idea how these skinless wonders get through life. He can be forgiven for behaving like an arsehole since he's grieving, but your colleagues are just nosy stirring arses who want in on the manufactured drama.

Anyway, you can't control his reaction and you already apologised so that's the end of it.

What exactly are you meant to do, build a time machine and unhappen it?

I'd just ignore any more attempts to make you feel bad for uttering two whole words and then apologising

The parent of a friend of my late son's said ' At least you don't have to worry about the bloody traffic up to the school next term'
16 year old son died end of summer term, this was said late August

In comparison I think your 'lucky girl' was rather unfortunate but not horrendous.

It was a silly thing to say and I can see why he was upset by it. But the conversation was primarily about money from what you’ve said and he didn’t need to drop the actual figure in- that is a huge amount for a young woman, so I can also understand your reaction in the moment.

I think he’s being churlish to tell three other people he’s upset and also not to just accept your apology in the way it was intended.

I think everybody has behaved a little
bit badly here. You were clearly jealous and that is why that insensitive comment popped out of your mouth. There was no need for him to brag about the exact figure. Your colleagues were stirring by messaging you.

If I was him, your comment would have stung a bit, but if you apologised face-to-face and then also sent me an apology text later, I would have graciously accepted and not come back with an extra critical comment.

Nobody comes out very well here. I am glad that girl has some financial security at least, as nothing will make up for the loss of her mum.

We have a dd the same age. She had a sibling but he was born very premature and did not survive. Sometimes when people talk about uni fees, house deposits etc with us they say at least you’ve only got one or similar. I just smile along - it’s not meant to be a dig or similar - just people living in the present.

This is the most tenuous example of alleged ‘man-bashing’ I have ever seen! What part of any criticisms have been related to this man’s penis?

So what does he want you to say when he casually drops into the conversation that he’s got £800k for his daughter? He’s planned for her financial good fortune and is telling you about it but you’re not allowed to recognise that? Just because she’s lost her mum doesn’t mean she can’t be fortunate in other ways (and I say that as someone who lost a parent young). If he doesn’t want to invite comment about financial matters he shouldn’t speak about them. Most people used to know this.

Yes, I think it’s a massive overreaction. Three colleagues messaging you to stick the boot in? She is lucky to have a father so dedicated to her financial future.

My dad died when I was relatively young. I find it upsetting when people talk about their lovely dads, don’t know what they’d do without their dad etc. I especially find it upsetting when people compare the loss to the loss of their grandparent. But I wouldn’t dream of making someone feel bad about it because I recognise most people are just doing their best and I can’t expect people to tiptoe around the subject because the world doesn’t revolve around me.