Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

I would also be upset if someone said "be careful what you say" in this context with everyone at work rounding on you, OP.

It sounds a tad threatening, and with everyone separately sending you messages telling you what a shit you are, it's quite a horrible situation.

It’s strange how this sort of thinking only seems to apply to money. If someone was saying she felt upset because someone made a big thing of announcing their pregnancy and she was struggling to conceive, she would be told to suck it up, it’s not the other person’s fault she is struggling and she should be happy for them.

800k is a lot of money. She is lucky. Most DCs who lose a parent do not end up so financially secure. It was a thoughtless comment but understandable, IMO (and my LDH would say it was tactless). You've said you are sorry. Let it go.

YANBU. It's an over-reaction, milking the drama. He shouldn't have mentioned the sum of £800,000. And you're right, she is lucky to have that sum of money, even if it has come through terrible circumstances. Good that you apologised right away and shame on him that he didn't accept it more gracefully.

Overreaction! Its abundantly clear @Clemcy that you meant no malice; a kind person would've given you the benefit of any doubt.
In fact, I think his ostentation (he absolutely did NOT need to say how much money was involved!) is really quite tasteless in the circumstance. I'd've been mentally eye rolling.

Yep. Lucky, lucky girl. I wonder if she would prefer the money or her mum back 🤔

You were taking about money, not her dead Mum.

Don't feel bad, he should be the one apologising! And him acting upset to others at work as well...what a sap!

I think it's unusual that he didn't just accept the apology. We've all said thoughtless things and had them said to us - but I don't think I have or would make someone feel bad about a thoughtless thing they've said to me. I would do the opposite and try and make them feel better even if I was hurt, most probably. And internally I would try to understand their perspective. I remember when my friend did lose a parent, our other friend came up with a sad but not similar event in order to empathise. It was clumsy and wrong and maybe a bit self centred - it was also the best that she could do. My bereaved friend was so gracious about it and explained to me that she knew it was thoughtless but not meant badly - I learned from her grace that day though I'm not as good a person!

She is lucky, a lot of people lose their parents and don’t get a penny.

Let’s not pretend that money isn’t a cushion that lets you grieve instead of worrying about rent and bills and food, it’s so disingenuous 🙄

🙄

In a situation where your colleagues are lovely and you're lovely, then you would have blurted the stupid comment, apologised sincerely and everyone would have rushed to reassure you that they know you didn't mean it. The fact that that didn't happen makes me think that there are two potential scenarios going on here:
Your colleagues are 'sensitive' drama llamas who like to find fault and offence everywhere they go and enjoy texting people to make them feel bad. You stuck your foot firmly in your mouth but they're making sure you get a good taste of it for their own satisfaction.

or

Your colleagues are decent people and you're generally a not very pleasant person who tends to come across jealous and petty and your colleagues saw an opportunity to tell you to firmly wind your neck in because they're sick of your shit.

Or some sort of mixture of the two (e.g. the guy who was talking is a bit of an alpha and the others are pandering to them)
Only you can really tell what's going on.

I find the people saying he shouldn't have mentioned the sum of money quite disappointing - it bothers me that people like that exist in the world.

Or a dead mum and nothing

TBH, I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek when I said how insensitive it was to mention giving his DD nearly a million when other folk in the room might be struggling, I was a bit sick of the lashing OP was getting. I do think it's vulgar and crass to have mentioned the amount, - saying he had plans in place for DD's future would have sufficed. The baby analogy is interesting. In the times of my worst misfortune and suffering, I have NEVER taken offense or umbrage at other's good fortune, in fact the worse things have been for me in my life, the more I have been glad for others' good fortune.

I'd've been tempted to send a sarky 'thanks for being so gracious' reply to his horrible text.

This!

She's lucky because her dad made some financially savvy decisions.

I think that's an overreaction by your colleagues to be honest. It sounds like a bit of a wind up really.
It's very easy to mis-speak something quickly and not realise the implications until afterwards.
A heartfelt apology to your colleague is needed though if not already done 🙂

Say nothing or change the subject to something else. Talking about money can be contentious and uncomfortable for many people. A response is not needed and unless someone directly ask specific questions, it is easy to keep it vague.

I think it’s a massive overreaction!

you’ve apologised. He and your colleagues get through life being so offended/upset by a slightly thoughtless comment that you then apologised for. Life must be full of drama for people like that!

I lost my dad as a teen and my siblings and I all got money from his pension while we were in education. I can’t remember how much it was now, I think it was about half my rent money and certainly not in the £800k ballpark. I always thought I was lucky to have it, and played it down with my friends and flatmates, one of whom had also lost a parent but got fuck all and one of whom had a struggling single mother parent and a deadbeat dad who gave her nothing. My dad set his pension up so my siblings and I would benefit and my much younger mum would be comfortable. I think we were lucky he did this and unlucky we didn’t ever have an adult relationship with him. You can be both things. It honestly sounds like they are deliberately trying to pretend you think she’s lucky to have a dead mum, which seems like a weird flex to me.
”I’m buying my daughter a flat and paying all her uni costs with my spare £800k”
”ooh, lucky girl!”
“Wow! You think she’s lucky her mum died?”
Honestly, whose mind goes straight there?

everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.

So you didn't realise immediately & apologise?

This makes it sound as if you needed to be prompted!

What is she apologising for ?.... a comment made with no ill intent in response to private infomation provided by the 'victim' who hasn't even acknowledged that it was a mistake or that he doesnt want it to effect their working relationship.

Everybody else at work needs to stay out of it as its not as if OP is a known problem causer & theyre personally obligated to stick it out or make private contact themselves. This is between somebody who clearly uses money/planning as a way forward (his own personal decision) & OP who genuinely didn't mean any disrespect but acknowledged that almost a £1m for a teenager is a crazy amount to have in a polite-ish way.

As many children who have lost a parent don't have anything like that much money, I don't see why your comment was a problem.

Did the money come as a direct result of her mother's death, like a life insurance? Because it sounds like it was made on a house sale.

Of course she's lucky to have that amount of money to set her up. And she's unlucky to have lost her mother so young. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I say this as someone who was widowed with two young kids; their dad left them nothing.

If he didn't want the comment, he shouldn't have been talking about money like that - it's vulgar.

Naaah. Its a sort of foot in mouth moment where your brain takes a moment to catch up with what you said.
OP said something without thinking. She apologised in the moment and then by text. This was decent and proportionate, but she doesn't need to do more and there isn't anything more to do.

Could be worse.