Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Would say the same to a man. Posting this online is the unreasonable part of the situation.

And absolutely the type to still be using the dead wife for sympathy shags for years to come.

(not detracting that it’s good of him to save and plan for the kids future)

I don't necessarily think was an over reaction and they are entitled to feel the way they do and think is reasonable for you to own it and apologise if this has been insensitive as it is true that it isn't lucky to lose your mum of course. But can also understand that this was not your intention and you had been making reference to the amount that had been put aside and relative financial security in this situation as fortunate. I think it is one where you apologise and put it down to making a mistake and perhaps just taking a second to think so as to not put your foot in it even if not with any bad intention 🙂

Editing just to say that if you have apologised then for them to continue to not accept your apology and drag it on seems excessively unfair response.

I think he did over react. He was telling people that he had a huge sum of money sitting waiting for her. In that respect she is lucky. Yes she lost a parent and that’s totally awful, but it’s not the entirety of her life, and I really hope he’s not making that the focus of their/her life. There are other teens that might have both parents but might never be able to afford a deposit, wedding or university fees. That’s crap for them too. Lots of people in life have things they’re fortunate for and other parts of their life that is really tough. When he was bragging a bit about his finances did he think whether he had someone in front of him that might be struggling massively financially? No, he just said it. So he might need to think about what he’s saying too. And his reply to your apology was a little condescending too. So yes what you said was a little thoughtless, but I don’t think it merited the reaction.

I lost my dad at a young age. It’s pretty evident you meant lucky with regards to the money.
Youve apologised, that’s all you can do

They're being ridiculous

be careful with your words

Which is kind of ironic coming from someone bragging about 800k

Well yeah, that to.

By your logic no one can ever post on Mumsnet because someone may see it.

I don't either, I'm just trying to be nice. 😆

Actually, hold the bus. I've just noticed OP apologised at the time and later again via message!

Exactly!

I think it's understandable that he felt hurt by your comment. But you apologised, and we can presume he knows you aren't a thoughtless idiot the rest of the time - so the correct response from him would have been 'I know you meant no harm, please don't feel bad'. He seems intent to stick the boot in.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You realised as soon as you said it and apologised. Then you reached out to apologise again when you realised how upset your colleague was. We all say things that we realise afterwards we shouldn't have and there was no maliciousness there ...

I think sometimes it's possible to be lucky and unlucky at the same time - they are not mutually exclusive. Your colleague's daughter was terribly unlucky to lose her mother, and your colleague his wife, so understandably that's what their focus is, and it must have been so devastating for both of them, hence the reaction, but you are right that she is a lucky girl to have such financial security so early in life. As others have said, others have lost parents and grow up pretty much destitute as a result.

When we have been through tough times, things can really trigger an emotional response, so although it would have been more gracious for him to accept your apology, I can understand why he's struggling.

I think just be kind to yourself and to him.

Big hug xx

Most people would understand you spoke before your brain kicked in.

They should have also seen that you immediately realised your mistake.

No reason for so many people to contact you like that.

I mean... 800k isn't a given when a person loses a parent. It isn't "because her mum died" that she has this money, it's because they already had the (clearly very) valuable asset of that house which made so much money when sold. That's what's lucky for his daughter. Many peoples' parents die and they get nothing, or even landed with costs and debts!

You were right to apologise in the moment, as it was clumsily said, but yes everyone is really over-reacting.

*Apologize, once, twice to reinforce it.

Then move on and don't mention it again.*

This

That was incredibly thoughtless… but it is also true that MANY children (mine included when their dad died) will have lost a parent and be financially a lot worse off than before the death.

This. I would be hopping furious at them for taking it the wrong way and getting offended and would have to stop myself from telling them to grow the F up. They should KNOW that you don’t mean the girl is lucky to have lost her mother, as only an arsehole would think or say that. And they know you.
think no more on this OP. This is their problem and theirs alone. You know what you meant and so should they.

i loath those bidding for a medal in the ‘I’m offended’ Olympics.

No it wasn’t an overreaction. What you said was extremely thoughtless and hurtful. I would never forgive someone who said something like that- it says a lot about what you value

You haven't been intentionally unkind.

The thing about grief is that people are over sensitive about it. It's in the nature of it. So yes, he's being over sensitive in not accepting your apologies but he gets a free pass this time.

He was ill judged in talking about it but maybe that's his way of looking on the bright side and dealing with it - to feel that he's managed to do this thing to atone for the enormous loss she's suffered. Deep down he's probably keenly aware of how pathetically small that money is in comparison to the loss she's suffered. You just hit a nerve.

None of us here heard how it was said. “Lucky girl” can sound either congratulatory or scathing, depending on inflection. That three people separately found OP’s comment to be as rude and insensitive as they did, would suggest she didn’t say it in a particularly complimentary way.

I think this is a really good post.

What was OP supposed to say when they are talking about upcoming uni fees/living expenses for their DC and he says "oh, I'm not worried like the rest of you - I've got £800k in the bank"?

Is the correct response "well done", "that's nice" or "of course, all of your savings and sacrifice won't bring your poor wife back", or something else?

Unless you just stand there in silence, what are you supposed to say to a comment like that?

Oh god. Its the sort of thing I would do without thinking. But this:

"I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

seems reasonable from him. He isn't obliged to say "oh it doesn't matter" when probably it did. If he had said "no amount of apologising will make up for what you said" or something then yes. But as things stand, you apologised sincerely, he replied honestly. Presumably you do intend to be careful what you say. I would consider the matter closed until/unless someone else brought it up (while cringing inside)

What a loser, Just forget about it. She is a lucky girl & millions of kids lose parents without financial support/nest eggs to pay for everything

He knows what he/his wife have done (their choice) & is comfortable enough to discuss it with effective strangers in intimate detail...yes he was probably looking for a 'that's so lovely of you your being an amazing single parent' as thats what he's heard in the past combined with other people weighing in on what is quite frankly a ridiculous amount of money to have saved for any child whos not from a wealthy background but at the end of the day his daughter is extremely lucky (to have known her mum/to have a father with the foresight to allocate a large chunk of money & also to be set up at a young age)

I'd respond back honestly to everybody who's messaged ...

'i'm sure your all aware I have been clear the comment was in regards to her fathers decisions as a parent & was apart of a larger discussion on children, my own included, while the message wasn't intended to be offensive the response to this is equally offensive to me so I've decieded to remove myself from this discussion as its a completely private matter please leave me out of it foing forward"

Don't do the above. There is nothing worse than someone apologising and then immediately going on the defensive and arguing about the circumstances that necessitated the apology.

Genuine apologies are freely given and don't confer any expectation on the other person to immediately be all nice back or to act a certain way in response.

I don't think the situation needs any more than a sincere, genuine apology which you've done. But don't immediately undermine it.