Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

“What more is she supposed to do?”

Not sit around feeling but hurt that she was called up on her thoughtless comment. Not start a thread about it. Get over it.

Not sure why he felt the need to mention the sum of money. I think it’s an awkward one to reply to. I kind of feel that whatever answer you gave would not have been quite right. Even if it was ‘that’s helpful to her.’ Very difficult one. You’ve apologised. I think his reply comes from a place of hurt and pain.

Oh god how mortifying. You must’ve wanted the floor to swallow you up.
While you may have genuinely upset him it’s rather graceless to respond to an apology by continuing to berate the person who apologised. And the other colleagues who text you? Blatant stirring.

I always think that if someone apologises your shouldn’t continue pushing guilt onto them. He could have explained why he was upset but thank you for your apology.

He was also very insensitive to mention the amount of money but because your insensitivity was deemed greater (and it was, but you already know that) it’s been conveniently ignored. His DD will always be affected by the loss of her mother but she has financial security for the rest of her life.

OP, I don’t know if this will help you at all but I lost my Mum just a few days ago and have had financial gain since then. If someone said I was lucky in an “it’s alright for some” kind of way I’d be upset but if someone said it in the spirit you appear to have and then realised it came out a bit wrong and apologised I’d understand completely what they meant, try to out them at ease and forget about it. And I too would give the money up in a heartbeat if it meant I could have my Mum back.

@Clemcy - I agree with the posters who have said that your colleague did not overreact at all. Your comment was deeply insensitive and clearly hurtful, and whilst you clearly did not mean to cause any hurt, and spoke without thinking, you do need to accept that you did cause hurt.

However, you have apologised and he has accepted your apology, so if I were you, I'd take the advice of the poster who suggested you text the colleagues who contacted you to thank them for telling you, and to say that you have apologised to the person concerned, and also that you text the colleague concerned and reiterate your apology and thank him for accepting it.

Hopefully that will draw a line under the whole thing and you can all move on.

My sibling died when I was a child and I was always hearing comments along the lines of "aren't you lucky being an only child, parents all to yourself/bet you're really spoiled", etc, etc. 🙄 My parents were also on the receiving end of some gems, from people who knew the family history.

I don't think what OP did really falls into the painfully thoughtless territory. Yes, it was a foot-in-mouth moment but she has apologised and it seems a bit of overreaction on people's parts. Colleague should be able to predict that if he runs around telling people his daughter has £800,000 waiting for her in the bank, more many than many adults will ever see, than someone is likely to make a banal, unthinking comment about her being "lucky." It's bound to happen, and not the same as saying she's lucky her mother is dead.

It seems quite obvious to me what you meant. Your comment was in the context of a conversation about uni fees etc.

It’s not like you said it in reference to not having to think what to buy for Mother’s Day!

I guess he’s entitled to feel how he likes. You’re also entitled not to put on a sack cloth about it.

I'd try to move on from it. You’ve apologised.

A bit of foot in the mouth from you, but I agree with a pp, bad form not to accept your apology and did he really need to throw this figure around? Bit crass for many reasons.

You’re being unreasonable to post this on aibu. Imagine this being picked up by the daily fail and it gets back to your colleague… you’re unreasonable to ask if this is an overreaction. It’s simple a REACTION to your hurtful comment, to which you should graciously accept, not put it all over the internet.

My eyebrows would have flown up in surprise but even I wouldn’t have said anything.

So what happened at work today?
Honestly you did nothing wrong. She is lucky to have that money and you instantly clarified that it was the money not the circumstances you were commenting on. He could have been more gracious or does he like to think the worst of people? I mean seriously, is there anyone out there without a personality disorder who would genuinely say ‘how lucky her mum died because now she’s rich’….come on….he knows what you meant and should give you the benefit of doubt. He was bragging and is now embarrassed because of your response.
I’ve know quite a few people with trust funds. All are because someone died and they have no problem with that being the case. This sounds like a financial decisions the father made, rather than the daughter inheriting any money. It was a compliment to him.
I’d be more concerned about the 3 people contacting you. Are they are all easily offended or like to stir the pot or was it a warning that he has it in for you now? Forget it. His grief doesn’t give him the right to make other people feel bad.

You apologised twice for a slip that was totally unintentional. It was a dick move on his part not to accept the apology gracefully.

Don't give it anymore thought @Clemcy .

Yea, woman know your place 🙄

I'm not sure an overreaction has happened? You apologised and he told you to be careful with your words which sounded like a friendly reminder and not a threat?

That being said. You said something thoughtless and apologised. It might have some long term consequences with a colleague or it might not. You can move on. If any other colleague comments you can tell them that you've apologised and did not mean it as a reference to mum dying.

Him taking about amounts of money is crass but nothing you can do about it. My bf was mortgage free by the age of 25 and people telling how lucky he was really hurt him cause his mum dying was the reason why this was possible. It hurts while he knows they don't mean it that way.

I mean, if I or many other posters were in the room who inherited £0 from a parent dying, we could equally take offence . And to be honest it does feel like a bit of a gut punch for me when people talk about inheritance, whether through the death of a family member or having family wealthy enough to give money while they're still alive (the latter of which is a lot of people I know). It is bloody lucky.

I've struggled financially most of my adult life due to illness. If my dad were alive he would've helped me financially, but it all went to my mum who's never worked and has spent most of it. It's just one of the many things about my dad's death I have had to learn to live and cope with. I'd give up my home to spend one more day with him.

I totally disagree that OP's insensitivity was greater.

be careful with your words

Which is kind of ironic coming from someone bragging about 800k

It was a thoughtless thing to say. Did you intend to make him feel bad? No. You apologised, all good. Are your colleagues, including the man in question, intending or at the very least aware that their berating is making you feel bad? Yes.

You aren’t the one in the wrong here.

I disagree that it was a hurtful comment. It was a congratulatory comment that was taken the wrong way.

He was bragging about how much he's got stashed away for his kid.

I think thats more offensive than a momentary brain fart comment, that clearly referred to the sum of money and not the death of the kids mother!

I get told all the time I am lucky that I inherited enough to buy a cheap property in my late 20s.

I am. It is true. They do not mean I am lucky my Mum died. They mean I am lucky that there was inheritance, it was enough to get me on the property ladder.

Some people will look for offence and hurt where its bloody clear none was intended, and then be dicks about it. I think this guy is one of them.

It is a wow amount and I can easily see how you tripped up and realised immediately afterwards. Haven’t most of us done it at some point in our lives.

You apologised straightaway and that should have been the end of the matter.

Arguably I don’t think it was prudent for him to mention such a high figure in the first place. I would consider it to be quite crass. But that’s by the by.

3 people messaging you is an utterly ridiculous and OTT witch hunt.

You’ve apologised to him, and if it was me, I would probably do it again within earshot of the 3 judge, jury and executioners.

In response to their messages. I would keep it short, and just literally say, I know with a sad face emoji. End of. You don’t need to justify/apologise to them. They know you didn’t mean it and just want bitch.

Yes, it's an incredible over-reaction but I'm afraid it's now fairly commonplace to try to extract as much offence out of everything as humanly possible (including vicariously, as your other colleagues are doing) because it's seen as a weird kind of attention-seeking currency to be a "victim" of something or other.

In case you can't tell, I have no absolutely no time for this kind of performative display of imagined wounds from perfectly normal interactions!

If it's obvious that the speaker's intentions were not malicious inand in your case that is abundantly clear from your immediate realisation of how our could be taken and your apology - the correct, generous and (dare I say) classy thing to do is to take it in the spirit it was intended and think no more of it except possibly as a slightly amusing anecdote of a time someone put their foot in their mouth.

Incindentally, I also inherited a small sum of money from my parents at a young age that allowed me to buy a house and I wouldn't blink at a comment like this unless it seemed the speaker was actually trying to put the boot in. I am not lucky to have lost my parents; I am lucky to have received a sum of money as a consequence of that misfortune (not everybody would).

You spoke without thinking. Anyway why is he throwing numbers around like that, surely it’s private info anyway how much money he’s got. You did nothing wrong.

Honestly, what is he expecting people to respond with when, in a conversation about cost of living/education, he states his daughter has just shy of one million to set her up?

I've sat here and tried to think of a non-offensive response, and all I can really come up with is 'Oh right'. I wouldn't know how the fuck to respond, OP.

Stating you've got nearly a million sat there for your child, so you never have to worry about finances for them, is a boast, regardless of how it came to be. Personally I'd never tell anyone how much money I had set aside, it's about as crass as your comment was taken. Honestly again, what the fuck response was he expecting from folk?

When I read the comment you made, I initially frowned - yes it's not the best response, but honestly, reading the thread again, I can see why you said what you did, it's clear the comment was about money, not the loss. She is lucky she never has to worry about affording education and buying a house. She is also very unlucky her mother passed away.

From the sounds of it as well, the mother passed away a long time ago. I get that grief is painful, and doesn't just go away - but after what I imagine is years, people should have accepted it enough that a thoughtless comment doesn't have grown adults running in circles to give you such a hard time, and they can accept it was a statement in a difficult conversation where the person making it probably didn't have much else to say, who would?

Honestly, loss is horrible, but why do people have to tiptoe around folk who've ever lost someone (which is a lot of people) years later, it's a bit ridiculous.

You've apologised, which is good. Don't apologise again. If any of the others decide to continue messaging you about it, either ignore them or tell them firmly, you have recognised it was a mistake, not meant to be harmful, you've apologised which is all you can do, and the matter is closed.