Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Very thoughtless of you. Nothing you can do about it now.

It was a stupid comment, not just throughtless albeit not malicious, and I don’t think they, particularly the colleague concerned was overreacting. However given you apologised then and hopefully after your colleague messaged you, I’d expect everyone to move on now. If they keep going on about it then they’re being unreasonable.

Not really the point of the story, but the bloke seems to have been saying DD's got all this money because he chose to downsize - not that it was his wife's life insurance. Presumably could have downsized with his wife, had she lived.

He can't have it both ways, can he? He wants all the cookies for being a prudent parent, and also wants DD's financial good fortune linked to her mother's death 🤔

Sorry, that is a ridiculous reaction from your colleagues and they should (and I suspect totally do) know what you meant.

She’s apologised twice. Immediately after she said it and again through a text.

If he chooses not to accept it, obviously his choice, but how many times does OP have to apologise over a bad choice of words?

Only read your OP. It was a thoughtless comment ( literally, you clearly were not thinking of the reason why she has this money when you said this ) but you have acknowledged this and apologised twice. Assuming your apologies were genuine (not 'I'm sorry but.'.. type justifications) he should accept this with grace and move on. He last email to you was unnecessarily putting the boot in.

It was also perhaps a bit thoughtless of him to raise his daughter's easy financial state in a conversation where others are presumably worrying over supporting their kids financially. I'm not surprised you blurted out what you did in that context.

OP - you felt awful about the comment and apologised. What is the point of asking whether or not he over-reacted? Are you going to pull him over it, and retract your apology? Not apologise in a similar circumstance? Regret the apologies you have made? What are you hoping to gain?

What has happened has passed. You apologised and that was the right thing to do. Now is the time to let it go.

I don't think there was any ill intent behind what you said. There isn't anyone out there who hasn't made a faux pas they wish they could take back. I think the reprimand in response to your apology is unnecessary and trying to make you feel worse than the situation really calls for. You have apologised sincerely and that's really all you can do.

I agree with this.

I think it was very insensitive and in extremely bad taste for the colleague to announce that he was providing his DD with £800000 when he may well have been in the room with people suffering severe financial hardship.

I think it's clear your comment was directed at the financial privilege and security his DD has. What a silly stick to beat you with.

I can't see how the op is "playing" the victim. She made a thoughtless comment and apologised. Everyone makes mistakes and a little grace goes a long way.

Exactly. He was oversharing in that regard. What reaction was he looking for? 'Oh dear Paul, that's awful.' ? :/

Really clunky comment, you immediately realised and have apologised not sure what is to gain from making you feel even worse than you already do.

I was orphaned as a teen and think this was an over reaction. You obviously didn’t mean she was lucky because her mum died. She’s lucky because she’s going to have a lot of financial security. You can’t tiptoe around every conversation worrying about causing offence. You apologised, said it was thoughtless; that should have been the end of it. And maybe he should’ve realised that people in general don’t mean to be nasty when they say things. And she is lucky-she had a father who looked after her and wants to make her secure instead of drowning his sorrows in drink and running off after other women.

So, you apologised at the time for what was a thoughtless comment that anyone could make and three of them took it upon themselves to pull you up on his behalf? Ridiculous.

Seek him out and apologise again by all means but I think they did overreact.

It's not the kind of thing I'd be talking to work grade mates about really, wtf tells people that are nobody to you they've got 800k lying about? A wanker

I do think it’s an overreaction from their part, especially seeing as you corrected yourself and apologised, and I say this as someone who has lost their mum (albeit not as a child but still far far too young). Whilst they’re of course not lucky to have lost their mum and absolutely no amount of money can make up for that, they are lucky that they have this money, many don’t get anything after a parents death.

I don't think OP should seek him out and apologise again, why should she crawl? She did nothing wrong, her colleague and his 3 stooges are being arses making a crisis out of nothing.

I think your comment was thoughtless but you apologized straight away and you later messaged him and apologized again so that should be the end of it.
But I also think he was thoughtless by saying how much money was available for his daughter. It's tactless when many people are struggling with the cost of living. There was no need to say how much it was and he could have simply said, "Well, she's well-provided for because I have the money from when we sold the house after her Mum died".
If he says similar to other people who don't know the Mum died (or have forgotten), he'll get the "Wow, lucky girl" comment again.

Absolutely nothing can replace her mother and she has had to deal with so much grief and pain, but on the other hand she is lucky that she has 800K waiting for her. Plenty of people lose a parent and there is no money like that and they have to struggle to get on in life.

Yes, this.

Apologize, once, twice to reinforce it.

Then move on and don't mention it again.

"What is the point of asking whether or not he over-reacted? "

What is the point of ANYONE on MN asking AIBU? Because they need feedback, clarification and hopefully reassurance that they aren't a horrible person, that's why.

Definitely an over reaction. You were clearly reacting to the financial details and not the fact that she's lost a parent. Many people lose parents and don't have healthy bank accounts. I'm sure you regretted your comment immediately anyway. Anyone who brings it up again is being unreasonable.

Everyone puts their foot in it now and then, you don't have to keep beating yourself up.

He was over sharing , you said something thoughtless and apologised twice . That should be the end of it. Do not beat yourself up about it . We all put foot in mouth sometimes