Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

From the OP: I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.

Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!

I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

So you apologised as soon as you said it, which should've been enough. At that point everyone should move on, but no.

Then three people sent you the same message. Is that normal behaviour for colleagues? Sounds like he complained to them about you.

You then apologised to him privately, and he still had a go at you - after you'd apologised twice!

I think it was an overreaction on all their parts. Is there some power imbalance here, either officially or socially?

I also think it was crass of him to say how much money his daughter has waiting for her, especially given the difference between that amount & your own property/wealth.

I'm in no way dismissing the pain for the daughter of losing her mum at an early age, but the daughter isn't part of this discussion, so we can all take that as read.

And someone (i.e. your colleague) can have a bad, even a tragic, thing happen to them & it doesn't make them a saint. They can still do the wrong thing. I remember people at work doing practical things out of our own pocket, to help a colleague who needed it to survive after something bad happened to him. He didn't even acknowledge it, let alone say thank you. We just got on with it, & with him.

It was thoughtless but you have realised and apologised so that should be it. The best thing my fil did financially was pass away. He was struggling to pay the mortgage etc. mil likes spending, especially on her house and fil didn’t earn much and was made redundant several times. The mortgage was going to double as he had remortgaged. Once he passed away the insurance paid the house off, he had two credit cards solely in his name, they were passed to probate (can’t remember if they were paid or not), his life insurance paid out a good sum and mil gets extra state pension as he passed away before claiming, she also gets a council tax reduction and pension credit which entitles her to winter fuel payments and a free to licence…none of this would be possible if he was still alive and we can’t afford to support another household (although we weren’t aware of the level of debt). However she would rather have him with her.

Sorry, I've cross-posted with other users, not copied them!!

Hopefully it get a line drawn under it. When it comes to bereavement you do have to be very careful what you say. Certain comments can really set me off (in relation to my Dad's death, and that was 30 years ago!) But you know you were wrong to say it, and won't be doing it again. I think it would be OTT for this guy to hold it against you for years into the future. Unless you have a habit of often saying the 'wrong thing'?

She is NOT lucky to have lost her mum young, she IS lucky that she has a DF who has made sure she has a smooth path for the forseeable future. Does her DF expect everyone to tippy-toe around forever and always think first and censor every comment because he lost his wife several years ago? I think it's very bad taste of him to have made a colleague feel so bad about a throwaway comment that was obviously not meant to be mean, especially as that colleague apologised.

Blimey... I dont know whats worse your comment or the justifications of why it was an over reaction. It wasnt.

Of course it was a mistake, you should feel bad apologise and move on.

None of the 3 colleagues that have messaged you likely realise they all have so its unlikely to be you being ganged up on but is he right to say what he said to you 100%. This ones on you. He'll get over the comment as will everyone else but you're sounding like a victim when it was you not thinking before you spoke.

The amount of money is irrelevant what you said was insensitive regardless. Move on... dont justify it. Weve all said stupid things, you wont be the last.

It should be obvious to anyone that you misspoke and immediately regretted it and feel bad. You apologised. There’s really no need for multiple people to be getting involved to text you to remind you of the upset caused. It wasn’t deliberate. It was a foot in mouth moment. Those people need to be told ‘Yes and I think he understands it was a clumsy case of foot in mouth rather than anything deliberately malicious but thanks for your concern.’ End of their stirring.

You misspoke but weren’t suggesting it wasn’t awful she lost her mum. I think people are unfairly over reacting!

OP I've never understood reactions like your colleagues. I appreciate the comment was a little insensitive and poorly worded, but I think they're really overracting.

The two are mutually exclusive; losing a parent young is truly devasting, in that sense of course she isn't 'lucky'.

But having £800k 'sat there waiting for her' is a privilege that will afford her a life of very little financial concern throughout her life (if any) and she is at an incredible advantage compared to her peers. That's a headstart beyong comprehension. So in that sense she's very lucky.

There are plenty of teens out there who have lost parents yet have nothing like that level of financial windfall, maybe not any. There are also plenty of teens out there who have sadly suffered abuse or unhappy childhoods who have no such boost to help them overcome a hard start.

I’m

When you apologised, though, I hope you didn’t focus on yourself. If you did, and they thought it was insincere that might be the problem. I genuinely think to a certain degree people are punished for being accountable so not a lot of people know how to apologise properly.

There’s a difference between an apology that focuses on your intention, your character, your feelings etc and one which is accountable, acknowledges his feelings and shows that you understand why your comment was hurtful.

If you did the latter, he’s still upset and your colleagues still messaged you then it’s an overreaction.

Total over reaction. Dh inherited 100k from his mother. He feels grateful to have it.

Oh and he was really rude to not accept your genuine apology. "Careful what you wish for" He sounds like a right knob. You apologised (needlessly imo) What the hell else does he want?

No one is entitled to have their apology accepted.

Does that require pointing out though?

Op’s level of butthurt over finding out his daughter has £800k as a result of personal tragedy hardly requires being treated with more sensitivity than someone who yes, may be in a financially advantageous position, but is in said position because his wife died.

I know someone who sadly lost their mother as a young teen. They received a fraction of £800k yet the head start that a lump sum gave them is glaringly obvious 20 years later.

No concern over uni fees; being able to live wherever they want, study where they want- expensive city for dream job, affluent area near family and friends; now mortgage free after being able to put a sizeable deposit on a house age 21 and never having to throw money to private landlords.

Not lucky for losing their mother, at all.

Lucky for living their full adult life shielded from the harsh financial comprimises and sacrifices that most of us have to make- yes.

I understand why you said the girl was lucky, you said it based on the money she will be getting, not because her mum passed away. Not every child gets that amount of money when one of their parent passes away. I don't think you did it intentionally. You have apologised so it should be done and dusted by both the parties.

YABU, definitely not an overreaction. But all you can do is apologise and move on, you obviously didn't mean to be thoughtless.

Its presumably not a 'privilege' she wanted though. She'd prefer to have her mum.

I found it insensitive when my grandmother made a similar comment to me about a friend being lucky that she could buy a house outright - I pointed out that it was only because of the money from the sale of her mum's house after she died, which my grandmother was aware of.

(She also didn't understand why I was upset when my rabbit died on the grounds that we had another rabbit, so she had form for being insensitive.)

I don't think anyone sounds very mature in this whole scenario tbh.

I mean if he can't move past it he can't, but you've done your bit by apologising. You could email back and say 'you're absolutely right.' but otherwise just try to forget about it because any amount of your apologies and rending of clothese is not going to bring his daughter's mum back is it. If anyone mentions it just say 'yes, I've apologised and feel terrible. Let's drop it now please.'

OP didn't 'point it out'- that suggests she was directly saying 'ah so what if she lost her mother, she's got nearly £1 mill!'

£800k is a staggering amount and OP was clearly saying the girl is lucky to have that. That is not saying she's 'lucky' to have lost her mother!

True, but a lot of people's 'privilege' (or perceived privilege) doesn't stem from what they've chosen?

Wealthy parents? Private education? Race? Lucky lottery win?

So much of privilege is not what we have chosen.

I totally sympathise with you as it's definitely the kind of thing that I would come out with! I think just an apology will do and explain you meant no harm. I don't think it's anything that needs to be dwelled on from either side.

On the flip side I lost my dad aged 13 and can see why it caused upset. (Although if I'd been left £800k from it rather than £0k it might have made my formative years a little bit easier!)

YANBU. Of course it was a tragedy she lost her mother, but a person can be lucky and unlucky. It sounds a bit strange everyone going on about it - you apologised!

Maybe he was sensitive because he'd had a lot of comments and he was starting to say something.