Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Lots of people lose a parent and don't have £800k waiting for them in the bank

Absolutely this! Of course having that amount of money waiting for you is lucky. Obviously shouldn't have been said, but (tbh) I wouldn't be telling everyone I had that amount of money stashed away considering how many people are really struggling to afford basic food right now.

Many children lose a parent and end up living very precarious lives. It was his choice to disclose that his daughter is going to be a wealthy young woman. I’ve got a horrible cautionary tale about this exact scenario. He’d do well to consider his own advice, and be careful how much private information he airs in public.

You said you were sorry, presumably you meant it, there’s no more you can do. People can only make you feel as bad as you let them.

You slipped up but their reaction to it is way over the top. You clearly didn’t mean to cause any offence.

”I’m now sat quite upset… “

Oh, the irony of posting that you think someone is overreacting to a crass comment you made and that supposed overreaction has upset you. The darvo is strong in you.

No i dont think it was an over reaction, you were so very rude. mistake or not i would have been mortified if id have said that.

A thoughtless comment yes bur not intentional. Its tragic the girl lost her mum at a young age but as pps have mentioned many lose a parent and have nothing, so in some respects she is lucky, to be able to buy her own home. All you can do is apology and hope it will blow over

I would message him and say you didn’t mean to cause any upset. You were innocently referring to the fact that she will wont need to worry about housing costs, but you know that will never replace having her Mum. You didn’t mean any harm and you’re obviously a caring person the fact you’re worrying about it.

Thing is, whatever you say will sound tactless, which is why he shouldn't have mentioned it in a colleague type discussion. I'm a widow and only a couple of very close friends know my financial position deliberately for this reason (I leave the others to guess if I am very rich or very poor!)

I think it was an overreaction. To my mind it’s obvious that you spoke without thinking and that you meant lucky because of the life changing funds available to his daughter, not the loss of her mother. It was a thoughtless comment yes, but you recognised that immediately and apologised at the time. He’s choosing to still be offended after that apology and the other two are facilitating it. Indicative of the ‘cancel culture’ that’s so prevalent these days - you end up apologising until you’re blue in the face and it still doesn’t make any difference. Don’t give it any more head space.

@noooooooo I think you've nailed it there

I think they were overreacting regardless to why she has the money she IS fortunate to have the money.

My children have substantial inheritances due to 'bad luck'. It's still lucky to have a substantial inheritance, because many people's parents and grandparents die and they have nothing, or even funeral costs. Being well off due to life insurance or inheritances is not overall lucky, but so many people just have deaths and nothing else, so I do see that as lucky.

Oh come off it !! Yes, it was a thoughtless comment, but we’ve all done something similar. She spoke unthinkingly and apologised immediately - if he’s still intent on being offended what more is she supposed to do ?

The comment was insensitive but I can see why you thought it. It is a lot of money and his daughter, financially, won’t have to struggle.
Your comment wasn’t referring to emotional struggles in losing her mother just to the financial ones.
I wouldn’t have said it but I would be surprised if everyone around that table weren’t thinking the same as you.
Its also a little insensitive to say this in a cost of living crisis and also as you were all discussing your childrens future. The rest of them I’m guessing don’t have any money ( or very little) to help them.

Insensitive on both parts
We make mistakes. It happens. Apologise.

I think they are overreacting..I would have taken your comment to be a compliment to your colleague/the father in that the daughter is lucky he planned so well for her future and put such a large sum aside for her.

They are definitely being ridiculous. Plenty of children have lost their parents and don't have that much money.

It's their fault for saying 'there's X amount of money waiting for her'! They set it up for your comment, especially when on autopilot in conversation it was a totally natural response. If it's such a faux pas then they shouldn't have mentioned it!

The idea that people that inherit money or anything aren't lucky is a pretty dark view in itself. Hopefully she'll be able to recognise that even if the father doesn't

You knew you said the wrong thing as soon as you said it. And apologised. It’s a huge amount of money. His situation is different to yours. Your head went to a different place. If he doesn’t want comments he probably shouldn’t mention the money.

A man chatting to colleagues at lunchtime about children at university, says about his daughter that 'he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her." '
This money has come from his wife dying some years earlier and him downsizing, moving to cheaper area, banking money for his child.

Why would he tell people at work it was £800,000? It is such a personal thing to reveal to colleagues in a casual conversation. To reveal the amount, knowing how huge it is, to people discussing worries about how to fund uni, is almost a boast. If you were not looking for a reaction to that, you'd say 'Well after Mary's death, I was able to set aside some money that should see Jane through uni and get her started in life', or something similarly unrevealing.

So OP makes a slightly insensitive remark and apologises immediately to him. A decent person would accept that apology and move on. Not him. After lunch he tells at least 3 other colleagues he is very upset by her remark. They then email OP to pass that on.She apologises again to him. He replies, still clearly annoyed and upset, with quite a 'warning' about being very careful what she says as money does not bring back a dead relative- an ill-judged response which could be equally insensitive- as he presumably is unaware of all OPs personal circumstances and she may have suffered a similar loss herself for all he knows.

My take is he was looking for a response such as
'Well you have done an amazing thing to give her that amount of security for her future following the loss of her mum. It will never make up for that loss but you've done everything you could as a dad to make sure she has security and opportunities in life. I bet her mum would be so proud of her and of what you've managed to do for her .It must have been such a hard time.' etc etc.

He didn't like Ops response - I understand that but he needs to get a grip on his behaviours. He's manipulative. He's playing the 'poor me, poor DD' card.

It was an insensitive comment, but, you realised immediately and apologised. Twice.

No need to dwell on how upset you are. In time you will forget your embarrassment and be more mindful. It is not a question however, of whether he over-reacted or not. He has lost his wife; the mother to his daughter - nothing compares to the sadness he must feel daily.

Perhaps he just said,for the sake of joining in the conversation, that he had no worries about university fees etc owing to having downsized to a cheaper area when his wife died, and someone else said “gosh,how much did you make from the house sale?” We don’t know exactly how the conversation went. And while I would never ask something like this outright, some people do have no compunction about doing so.

DH and I became mortgage-free at 29 because he lost his mum and both maternal grandparents in the space of a year. FIL made a comment about how DH should consider himself lucky that he'd never had to save a deposit or apply for a mortgage. I have never seen DH so upset. As he pointed out, he'd have given away every penny to have his mum back.

I think it was a bit weird (and crass) that the colleague mentioned the amount of money but, overall, your comment was rude and thoughtless, OP. It's good that you've apologised but you need to leave it alone now and it will blow over. It doesn't matter how upset you are or if you believe he's overreacting; the impact of your words is more important than your intent, and you hurt his feelings.

He opened up the door by talking about inheritance. It was really crass of him. I think they've overreacted. You've apologised and they've taken the comment out of context.

I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound insensitive and think that your colleague overreacted and was extremely ungracious in not accepting your apology. Also tbh I find it very crass to be talking about the (frankly huge) sum of money his daughter has at her disposal when there will be other parents of students unable to help them financially and desperately worried about them getting into debt or failing their course as they have to work to subsidise their grants (I know a lot of people in this situation). He could just have said he "put some money aside to help her out in life" rather than boasting about the amount. Also I think the colleagues who made a point of messaging you to say he was upset are busybodies and acting like children, enjoying the drama. You said something that upset someone, you didn't mean to, you apologised for it. End of story. Your workplace sounds gossipy and unpleasant.