Do you think the new partner should help?

[RunningOnCoffee6385]

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

No, but really depends on the person. I am a step mum and have two other children at home so I will look after SC too if that's what I am doing anyway.

But sometimes I have asked partner to take SC to his parents if he's due to go away for work etc

@Ponderingwindow

so you think anyone using childcare/babysitter/family/friends to look after their children when they worknir go out think parenting is optional??

No, it's not her job (or is it you?)

If the days are court ordered then it's up to the dad to sort childcare if he is unable to do childcare on his days. Just like the mum has to sort /pay childcare go to work.
However as the new partner I'd be pretty concerned to be with a man who appears to accept no responsibility for his children, happy to leave his ex to it.

I think it would depend on the situation - I would not want, never mind expect, my ex DP's new girlfriend to look after my DD, however, we only broke up very recently, there was overlap, and ex's new girlfriend has overstepped and offered parenting advice when it is not wanted or needed. Further, as far as I have been reassured she has never met DD (who is only 2). However, on the other hand I personally would not get in a relationship with someone with children and think this would never come up, obviously once we are in an established long-term relationship and I had some sort of relationship with the children.

The short answer to your question is yes I would expect a new partner to care for the children some of the time and if you don’t want to I would question your emotional maturity.

What is he supposed to do, chuck his job in? Not in anyone’s best interests. Financial responsibility is a massive part of caring for your children.

You shouldn’t be engaged to someone if you haven’t already got to grips with this as I think it will cause resentment down the line. Don’t you think the children will pick up on this resentment to look after them ?

I was a step child to my mother’s 2nd lovely husband. He was 100 times a better man than my father ever was and I enjoyed his company and once older respected so much the times he willingly took care of me. Was very sad when he died.

Why would you want to marry this guy that can't be bothered looking after his children. What a lover.

@ZsaZsaTheCat He is supposed to do what millions of parents do and arrange his work commitments to ensure that he spends time with his children.

Instead he’s gone with viewing a new relationship as a nanny with benefits scenario. Why are you not questioning his maturity?

It is not immature for a woman to set boundaries with a man with children. Or for those boundaries to be that he parents his children. Helping out with things occasionally, being kind and spending time with the children. But he is a father. He should not be subcontracting looking after his children to the nearest available woman.

Fathers need to do more than just contribute financially. Raise your bar for men.

Well, yes, he should look for another job as the one he currently has isn't compatible with his parenting responsibilities. His ex is probably working and managing to fit work around the children, he needs to do the same.

How does this work in reality? Does he complete all of the household tasks for himself and the kids and you do you? Like your own shelf in the fridge, your own laundry basket. Do you have a seperate room that you hang out in when the kids are there or if they ask you for something do you just direct them to ask their dad? Do you holiday separately, or do you get your own apartment and just meet up with him on the balcony of his family room when the kids are asleep?
im genuinely interested to understand how this works on a practical basis? I know lots of blended families and never known one where the step parent does no parenting.

No.
But I think the man who won't look at adjusting his work/retraining etc so he can play a full part in his kids life is a selfish bastard who doesn't put his kids first. I'd think the partner was a deluded idiot for being with him.
LTP op
It's him you need to be wary of not her.

This.

Not sure why people get so annoyed about reverses. They are not as annoying as troll hunting posts.

They are as annoying. Not least because they will encourage troll hunting posts. And just confuse everyone.

Because the person reversing isnt able to tell the story from a non biased stand point, so naturally every one has jumped in assuming OP is the mum, because thats what she has implied, and telling her shes unreasonable for her demands, when actually OP is the stepmum assuming the mothers stand point and may well be making someone that has a legitimate point or reason of their own sound like a precocious nob head.

Tbf it was obvious this one was going to be a reverse. Guessing there is more to this story…

How far does that go in your book? Does the step parent get an equal say in everything? Can they take the child for a hair cut and not run it past the parent? Discipline? Arranging birthdays? Going to the nativity?

My bar is very high -thank you for your concern 😂

Hugely important bit of his life? His 3 children are so important to him that he only sees them infrequently because he can't be arsed to watch parent them.

OP - you need to raise your bar.

With a lack of useful info-let’s assume the father is a Police Officer working shifts, 10yrs + earning a decent wage- are you seriously suggesting he chucks in his job? Would then the whole of MN light up with rage that he’s not earning enough? And who the hell knows why they split? Most people are just doing the best they can regarding childcare, it’s never easy. The point is that the OP signed up for this! If you don’t want to look after kids don’t get involved with someone that has them already! Complete man bashing.

I would do it as long as it’s not a regular occurrence and I’m not being taken advantage of. I did for an ex and i didn’t have a problem with it as he never asked me more than a few times to do this. And as a single parent if I was seeing someone for 4yrs I would think they would want to help each other out sometimes.

Will she be involved in all parts of parenting then? Discipline? School choices? All of that stuff?

While it would be nice of course, it's not her responsibility and it isn't right to expect her to step up instead of the actual parents and be long term childcare.

Edit - missed your other post, sorry. You're the step parent.
It's not an expectation they should have of you, no.

He's a cliche
.
He can't be bothered with watching his own kids so he quickly find another, usually younger, woman to dump them on.

All the better if she owns a house for him to move into. clean house, meals, sex on tap and someone to watch his kids so he doesn't have to pay as much child maint.

He will give in and have another child or two to make you happy as he knows he doesn't have to lift a finger in the raising and care of another child.

Absolutely not.