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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think the new partner should help?

174 replies

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:12

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

OP posts:
Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:01

I think it would be super awkward to live in a house with three kids and be married to their parent and take zero responsibility for them.

people who are saying no way probably don’t live with a blended family situation it’s just ridiculous.

can you imagine asking one of the kids to do household chores and them being like you have no parental responsibility over me please don’t speak to me……

it’s a negotiation between you and your partner what works, it’s not your responsibility ultimately bout you also are a psychopath if you marry a person with three kids and refuse to do any parenting

NewYear24 · 31/01/2024 08:02

I wouldn’t expect it or ask but if the step parent to be offered then I’d accept the help.

GuinnessBird · 31/01/2024 08:03

Why are you planning to marry a twat?

Emily1583 · 31/01/2024 08:04

How well do you really know him? Are you 100% sure on his background? Quite a leap of faith leaving your kids with a new man.

Screwballs · 31/01/2024 08:08

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:12

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

Its a reverse. YABU for being annoying.

Theunamedcat · 31/01/2024 08:09

No I wouldn't expect her too i would expect her to suck it up with the extra child support because he has zero overnights

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2024 08:10

No, he should be doing it, not her (you). There’s no “can’t” - he should be arranging his work life around his kids.

I wouldn’t want to marry someone like this. He’ll not only pressure you to look after his children for him, but will be a crap father to any children you have together.

NoraLuka · 31/01/2024 08:11

I would expect the step parent to help out but not to be the default childcare. I also wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t see their own kids - it doesn’t matter what the excuse is, once you have children you have to organise your life so you can look after them.

ReferWhaaaaat · 31/01/2024 08:12

You’re asking the wrong question.

“Should father manage his shifts or put appropriate childcare in place to allow him to parent his children?”
YES! That may or may not involve a new partner, but the onus is on him to have regular contact and to make the necessary arrangements, not (as I suspect it is) on his ex to limit her work options, or on you to do his parenting for him.

As an aside, you’d be mad to marry him. His priorities are all wrong.

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:16

can you imagine asking one of the kids to do household chores and them being like you have no parental responsibility over me please don’t speak to me……

’You’re not my mum, I don’t have to do what you say’ is something many stepmothers hear regularly. Or variations on it.

Reinforced by the child’s parents in various ways too - can’t ‘overstep’ by setting rules or expecting the child to do things in your own house.

Kate9423 · 31/01/2024 08:16

When I was a kid I would fly 2hrs to spend a week or so with my Dad. He was always late collecting me...as a 10yr old flying solo.

He would then go to work for that entire week and I would spend time with my Step Mum. I have no idea if she consented to it or wanted to, but we got on well.

Now as an adult, I have nothing to do with my waste of space father, but have 0 hard feelings against my Step Mum, minus the fact she married someone who failed his kids, yet he doesn't understand why I dislike him.

I'm now a step Mum and as much as I would be happy to offer to watch my step son, I certainly would not be the carer for him regularly, if my husband wasnt there.

Quitelikeacatslife · 31/01/2024 08:16

I feel sorry for his ex if he can't arrange regular contact time with his kids so she can arrange their lives. And for his kids made to feel like not worth seeing . He needs to step up. You don't have to help but if it was giving them tea until he came home or dropping them at school the morning after then yes I'd help .

Sunshine322 · 31/01/2024 08:17

I don’t think that going to work and having
to sort out childcare makes anyone a crap parent. It’s what millions of families do everyday. Asking a step parent to have the children whilst you work is not necessarily unreasonable but having any kind of expectation that they ‘should’ do it is wrong.

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:19

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:16

can you imagine asking one of the kids to do household chores and them being like you have no parental responsibility over me please don’t speak to me……

’You’re not my mum, I don’t have to do what you say’ is something many stepmothers hear regularly. Or variations on it.

Reinforced by the child’s parents in various ways too - can’t ‘overstep’ by setting rules or expecting the child to do things in your own house.

I’m sure it is…. But it’s actually a valid argument from the kid if the step parent refuses to look after them/spend time with them without the biological parent. It sends a clear message to those kids that they are not yours and invariably sets you up for future hell…

the op should tell the parent to renegotiate the care arrangement with his ex, or change jobs, but she also needs to recognise that she is now a parent too.

Workawayxx · 31/01/2024 08:20

I would not expect 50/50 parenting help from a step parent (or even close!) but also would hope they’d help out a bit. It would feel a bit unnatural if they refused to do anything for the DC. I’d never take the piss with dp looking after ds though.

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:21

Spending time with children is not the same as ‘looking after them’.

Why is it that so many people can only value a woman’s contribution to a household if it’s measured in childcare, housework and other drudgery?

Quitelikeit · 31/01/2024 08:23

When you have children you don’t suddenly decide not to see them because you are working.

You get a job that allows you to see them.

How the hell he can treat his children like an option is absolutely galling!

Sunshine322 · 31/01/2024 08:23

Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently

He needs to sort this out though. He works shifts not 24/7.

HollyKnight · 31/01/2024 08:24

but she also needs to recognise that she is now a parent too.

No, she isn't. At no point does a parent's partner become a parent of their partner's children. Stepparents have zero parental rights. They have zero independent say over those children. Any say they get is given with permission of the actual parents. They have zero obligation to parent those children.

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:27

No, I would not expect this.

Your partner needs to sort out his schedule. It is unreasonable of him to not have his children often because of his shifts. His ex doesn't have that luxury, does she? He either needs to look for a new role, or find paid childcare. When you have children, you work around THEM, they don't work around you.

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:30

Sunshine322 · 31/01/2024 08:17

I don’t think that going to work and having
to sort out childcare makes anyone a crap parent. It’s what millions of families do everyday. Asking a step parent to have the children whilst you work is not necessarily unreasonable but having any kind of expectation that they ‘should’ do it is wrong.

But he's not doing that, is he? According to OP he has them "very infrequently" so presumably the ex is doing the bulk of it. Therefore, he is a crap parent.

TeeBee · 31/01/2024 08:31

Nope

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:33

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:21

Spending time with children is not the same as ‘looking after them’.

Why is it that so many people can only value a woman’s contribution to a household if it’s measured in childcare, housework and other drudgery?

That’s a ridiculous statement.
her worth is not judged by her childcare contribution.
her worth is judged by the decision to be involved in a child’s life to a degree that only suits her.
no one is saying she has to quit her job and bake cookies but when you decide to marry a parent you have some level of responsibility to their kids.

what you are neglecting to consider in this situation is that if she refuses to help at all, the other, presumably female parent has to pick up all the slack. At what point do we consider her worth?

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:36

This might be your own experience but is certainly not true for everyone.

the set up your talking about reminds me of that horrible 90s film with the twins and the new blonde wife trying to pack her off to boarding school.

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:36

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:33

That’s a ridiculous statement.
her worth is not judged by her childcare contribution.
her worth is judged by the decision to be involved in a child’s life to a degree that only suits her.
no one is saying she has to quit her job and bake cookies but when you decide to marry a parent you have some level of responsibility to their kids.

what you are neglecting to consider in this situation is that if she refuses to help at all, the other, presumably female parent has to pick up all the slack. At what point do we consider her worth?

Show quote history

It's not her responsibility to "pick up the slack" though. Why do women have to prop up men like this all the time?

Personally I don't understand why she'd be with someone who is such a crap parent in the first place. We need to set our standards higher.