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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think the new partner should help?

174 replies

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:12

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 31/01/2024 08:36

No. I have been a stepmum for over 5 years and I have never babysat the kids. You're taking the piss. Time with their dad is just that - if he's not there, they can't see him.

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:37

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:33

That’s a ridiculous statement.
her worth is not judged by her childcare contribution.
her worth is judged by the decision to be involved in a child’s life to a degree that only suits her.
no one is saying she has to quit her job and bake cookies but when you decide to marry a parent you have some level of responsibility to their kids.

what you are neglecting to consider in this situation is that if she refuses to help at all, the other, presumably female parent has to pick up all the slack. At what point do we consider her worth?

Show quote history

The SM has no obligation to husband’s ex.

Maybe HE should consider both women’s worth and stop getting them to do all the work.

It is abundantly clear that this situation is a useless father who barely sees his kids. He’s got a new partner and has seen an opportunity to get her to look after his kids so he can have more ‘contact’ (while not being there) and pay less maintenance.

KombuchaKalling · 31/01/2024 08:38

No.

Meadowfinch · 31/01/2024 08:39

In an emergency only - eg the parent's car has broken down. Otherwise no.

OP. I'd be very careful marrying this man. He's looking for an unpaid nanny. You'll have one child and end up with four.

Newestname002 · 31/01/2024 08:40

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:23

Thank you all. I am the step parent. I worded it that way to see the replies as I felt I was being unreasonable. Thank you.

I wonder whether you're doing the majority of the life admin and any chores house-related also?

What's your next step OP? 🌹

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:40

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:36

It's not her responsibility to "pick up the slack" though. Why do women have to prop up men like this all the time?

Personally I don't understand why she'd be with someone who is such a crap parent in the first place. We need to set our standards higher.

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I would absolutely agree, first and foremost he needs to make himself available to look after his kids.

but if the other parent is sending them because she needs to work, or he needs them picking up from school and looking after for a couple of hours to finish his shift there has to be some give and take.

if my partner didn’t jump in and help out with my daughter I’d have had to quit my job years ago. Do I demand that he does - no? Does he recognise that he joined a family and families only work with give and take - yes.

gannett · 31/01/2024 08:43

I think it's obvious that if you get into a relationship with someone who has kids, they come as a package and you don't get to opt out. So yes that involves looking after them and pitching in with family life. "Not my circus not my monkeys" doesn't wash. A step-parent still has to parent to some extent; "step" doesn't mean getting out of it completely.

I completely understand why anyone would be reluctant to do that. I'd hate it. So the simple solution for me was not to even consider dating a man with children.

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:43

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:40

I would absolutely agree, first and foremost he needs to make himself available to look after his kids.

but if the other parent is sending them because she needs to work, or he needs them picking up from school and looking after for a couple of hours to finish his shift there has to be some give and take.

if my partner didn’t jump in and help out with my daughter I’d have had to quit my job years ago. Do I demand that he does - no? Does he recognise that he joined a family and families only work with give and take - yes.

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I'm a lone parent, you have to set your life up so that you don't have to rely on a partner who isn't your child's parent for childcare help. Your children, your responsibility.

Cotswoldmama · 31/01/2024 08:44

I'm not a step parent but grew up with step families. I feel that as a step parent you are still a parent and so should help if you can. Obviously if you were working or had plans you wouldn't but you are a family.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/01/2024 08:45

Howmanysleepsnow · 31/01/2024 07:22

I wouldn’t want my ex’s partner to! If he can’t be there I’d rather they were with me: I see his contact time as something I endure so they get to have a relationship with him and would prefer they be with me 24/7.

That is how I felt.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/01/2024 08:45

user1473878824 · 31/01/2024 07:28

So do you want to have absolutely no part to play in what’s a hugely important bit of your husband’s life…?

Interesting to see how the responses are different now that she's said she's the step mother.

Sunshine322 · 31/01/2024 08:46

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:30

But he's not doing that, is he? According to OP he has them "very infrequently" so presumably the ex is doing the bulk of it. Therefore, he is a crap parent.

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I did add a second post about that

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:46

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:43

I'm a lone parent, you have to set your life up so that you don't have to rely on a partner who isn't your child's parent for childcare help. Your children, your responsibility.

Show quote history

That’s really wonderful that you have managed to make that work for you. However I need support in my life when it comes to my child. I was lucky to find someone who is happy to be part of that and willing to take on the cons as well as the pros.
this enables me to feel fulfilment in other parts of my life, where I sincerely doubt could have been filled by motherhood alone. Respectfully, we all have different experiences.

AnglepoisePond · 31/01/2024 08:47

GrazingSheep · 31/01/2024 07:39

*Another thread where women's time is less valuable than men's and where it is expected that another woman will do 'women's work' just because.

No she shouldn't do it, they are his children. How about you raise the expectation of him rather than getting annoyed she isn't 'stepping up'.*

Another thread where people don’t read at least all the op’s posts before replying.
The Op is the partner of the man in question.

Well, the point still stands, surely, regardless of it being a reverse — this is a woman’s time being assumed to be less valuable than a man’s.

gamerchick · 31/01/2024 08:47

Absolutely not. Too many men think like this I've noticed. Expecting their new partner to do childcare.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 31/01/2024 08:47

gannett · 31/01/2024 08:43

I think it's obvious that if you get into a relationship with someone who has kids, they come as a package and you don't get to opt out. So yes that involves looking after them and pitching in with family life. "Not my circus not my monkeys" doesn't wash. A step-parent still has to parent to some extent; "step" doesn't mean getting out of it completely.

I completely understand why anyone would be reluctant to do that. I'd hate it. So the simple solution for me was not to even consider dating a man with children.

Ah, I do love someone who bestows step-parenting advice when they've never even been one. Shut up.

Beezknees · 31/01/2024 08:47

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:46

That’s really wonderful that you have managed to make that work for you. However I need support in my life when it comes to my child. I was lucky to find someone who is happy to be part of that and willing to take on the cons as well as the pros.
this enables me to feel fulfilment in other parts of my life, where I sincerely doubt could have been filled by motherhood alone. Respectfully, we all have different experiences.

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And that's fine, but you'd have had to manage if you hadn't met them or they hadn't wanted to take on that responsibility.

Mumof2teens79 · 31/01/2024 08:48

I wouldn't "expect" a new partner to do anything....that's between them.
But I do think more separated parents should share childcare more equally regardless of their other commitments and then sort out childcare accordingly.
In many cases it would make sense for the new partner to help out with childcare in that case, because partners help each other out, and because they should want to build a good relationship with the kids.

DinnaeFashYersel · 31/01/2024 08:50

Is a partner still 'new' after 4 years or a step parent and part of the family?

It's up to dad to arrange childcare during his time - whether that's a family member or paid childcare.

The 'new' partner should note the red flag that of his failure to be a good dad.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 31/01/2024 08:51

So you know that he's a shit dad who doesn't contribute to his three kids upbringing which leads their mother to struggle to work and juggle/pay for childcare and you thought "yep, that's the sexy type of man I want to be with"?

The strangest part of this post is that you feel vindicated for not being "expected" to look after your DSC and for having a relationship with such a loser.

Go you!!

KreedKafer · 31/01/2024 08:52

No. She’s not a babysitter.

The purpose of them going to their father’s is for him to do some of the parenting, not for them to be ‘watched’ by his partner. Occasionally, it’s fine for the partner to step in if something unexpected or unavoidable comes up, but it should be up to the kids’ father to fit his life around his children, not the other way around.

AndThatWasNY · 31/01/2024 08:53

I'm a step parent and did look after DSS but that was because I wanted to. I love him and there was absolutely no expectation from his parents I would.
There is no way I would have looked after 3 of them!!!

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 08:59

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:46

That’s really wonderful that you have managed to make that work for you. However I need support in my life when it comes to my child. I was lucky to find someone who is happy to be part of that and willing to take on the cons as well as the pros.
this enables me to feel fulfilment in other parts of my life, where I sincerely doubt could have been filled by motherhood alone. Respectfully, we all have different experiences.

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OK. So you are one of those parents who feels entitled to other people’s labour so that you can feel ‘fulfilled’ beyond the drudgery of motherhood.

Well, that is useful context.

Personally, I would be looking for other things in a partner beyond the ability to delegate my parental responsibilities so that I can do more interesting things.

Merrymouse · 31/01/2024 09:01

Mittemucci · 31/01/2024 08:46

That’s really wonderful that you have managed to make that work for you. However I need support in my life when it comes to my child. I was lucky to find someone who is happy to be part of that and willing to take on the cons as well as the pros.
this enables me to feel fulfilment in other parts of my life, where I sincerely doubt could have been filled by motherhood alone. Respectfully, we all have different experiences.

Show quote history

Yes, different families have different experiences and the OP is describing a situation that is different to yours.

The problem is not that she is expected to help out as a step parent but that she is expected to take over the role of the parent.

2024GarlicCloves · 31/01/2024 09:05

PieAndLattes · 31/01/2024 07:46

Helping out now and again is completely appropriate, as is cooking a family meal, getting in snacks you know the kids like, going on family activities - even organising family activities and holidays, etc. I think being systematically used as free childcare to make everyone else’s life more convenient is not appropriate. If the DP is not the resident parent then their visits are to spend time with him, not so he can fuck off to play golf all weekend.

This is well said, I think. I voted YANBU (she should look after the DC) because a step-parent should parent the step-kids. If it's a very regular thing, though, the purpose of family contact has pretty much gone by the board. The children would end up with two Mums and still no Dad!

Maybe OP's fiancé should stop pretending he has an active relationship with his children, and cough up full maintenance.

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