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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think the new partner should help?

174 replies

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:12

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 31/01/2024 07:32

Why is it annoying? How has it really impacted you?

I can see why the OP has done the reserve to be honest. Step parents rarely get an easy time of it on these forums and she probably would have been called all sorts for saying she didn’t want to mind his children. Already people are being awful about her engagement.

Bkjahshue · 31/01/2024 07:33

It depends on a variety of factors; I’ve always looked after DSD as I wanted to help DH and she’s very easy to look after. If she hadn’t been or I had things I wanted to do during that time then maybe I wouldn’t have. It was never expected but I offered and now DH and I are a team so I do

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 07:33

Noicant · 31/01/2024 07:31

I wouldn’t be with someone with kids if I wasn’t ok with pitching in with family life (not taking responsibility for all of it mind but helping out). For that reason I probably wouldn’t go anywhere near someone with kids.

It’s not ‘pitching in’ to be handed nanny duties - and then guilt tripped with crap about how this is what you signed up for.

Ponderingwindow · 31/01/2024 07:36

No

and think about it. The father is a person who thinks his parenting time is optional. Anyone who chooses to partner with him knows that about him. You shouldn’t want your children in the care of a person who would stay with a man who behaves like that.

makeanddo · 31/01/2024 07:37

Another thread where women's time is less valuable than men's and where it is expected that another woman will do 'women's work' just because.

No she shouldn't do it, they are his children. How about you raise the expectation of him rather than getting annoyed she isn't 'stepping up'.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 31/01/2024 07:37

The point is that they go there to see their Dad. If he's always at work it's pointless them going!

GrazingSheep · 31/01/2024 07:39

*Another thread where women's time is less valuable than men's and where it is expected that another woman will do 'women's work' just because.

No she shouldn't do it, they are his children. How about you raise the expectation of him rather than getting annoyed she isn't 'stepping up'.*

Another thread where people don’t read at least all the op’s posts before replying.
The Op is the partner of the man in question.

Zanatdy · 31/01/2024 07:40

Now and then but not regularly no

SoSoNuts · 31/01/2024 07:41

I couldn't be with a man who barely had his kids. And if I was with a man with kids, his bar would have to be high and those kids be his top priority, therefore I'd want to help him and help them too. But no, I wouldn't be default babysitter while people are working, but yes I would help when I could.

VinegarTrio · 31/01/2024 07:43

GrazingSheep · 31/01/2024 07:39

*Another thread where women's time is less valuable than men's and where it is expected that another woman will do 'women's work' just because.

No she shouldn't do it, they are his children. How about you raise the expectation of him rather than getting annoyed she isn't 'stepping up'.*

Another thread where people don’t read at least all the op’s posts before replying.
The Op is the partner of the man in question.

That’s the risk an OP takes with a reverse. Reverses are really annoying.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/01/2024 07:44

No that’s not on you as the partner. But I would be thinking hard before matting this man, especially if I hoped to have my own children with him.

napody · 31/01/2024 07:44

YABU to be attracted to a crap dad, though.
So he has time to spend with you, but not his children?
What a catch.

Pinkyponker · 31/01/2024 07:44

No I wouldn't. Parents should make childcare arrangements

PieAndLattes · 31/01/2024 07:46

Helping out now and again is completely appropriate, as is cooking a family meal, getting in snacks you know the kids like, going on family activities - even organising family activities and holidays, etc. I think being systematically used as free childcare to make everyone else’s life more convenient is not appropriate. If the DP is not the resident parent then their visits are to spend time with him, not so he can fuck off to play golf all weekend.

Seagrassbasket · 31/01/2024 07:46

user1473878824 · 31/01/2024 07:18

I’m a step parent and as far as I was concerned I signed up for stuff like that, but I know that isn’t a popular opinion on here!

That’s my opinion too, but I know it’s unpopular!

I suppose she might be worried she’s going to get put upon and he’ll never look after them himself?

Sunnydays0101 · 31/01/2024 07:47

Pity you with your choice of partner. Have you any children with this man ?

You know he wouldn’t be ‘watching’ his children - he would be with them/taking care of them/nurturing them/engaging with them/taking an interest in their lives - being a Dad.

Does he really have to work shifts? He should really organise his life so that he has regular contact, including overnights with his children. Though he probably never really had much to do with his children, even when he was with their Mum - probably the reason she separated from him.

I wonder does he pay maintenance (as well as paying extra) or has he abandoned that aspect of parenting also?

Another charmer of a man. Good luck with him.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/01/2024 07:48

user1473878824 · 31/01/2024 07:28

So do you want to have absolutely no part to play in what’s a hugely important bit of your husband’s life…?

Clearly not that important to him as he appears to have opted out of having his kids and sees them infrequently. Not saying that's right but it is what he seems to have chosen to do.

ItIsEverywhere · 31/01/2024 07:49

I'm curious - If a divorced mother gets engaged, is the fiancee exempt from looking after any resident kids?

Kosenrufugirl · 31/01/2024 07:49

My stepdad always treated me like I am his own daughter. Made it clear right from the beginning. I was looking after him in his old age as if he was my own father. Miss him to bits. I appreciate not everyone can feel the same way as my stepdad.

Merrymouse · 31/01/2024 07:53

No. He needs to sort his life out so that he can spend more time with his children.

Quitelikeit · 31/01/2024 07:53

Hell no!

but if you are with a man who doesn’t bother with his kids then at least you know who he is and must have a degree of comfort that he doesn’t bother with them nearly as much as he should?

Otherwise why would you not challenge his approach to these kids who he fathered

Nevermindtheteacaps · 31/01/2024 07:54

RunningOnCoffee6385 · 31/01/2024 07:23

Thank you all. I am the step parent. I worded it that way to see the replies as I felt I was being unreasonable. Thank you.

In which case it's great he's shown you what a crap dad he is now so you know not to have children with him. He clearly expects the women in his life to pick up the slack.

Urgh. Good luck OP, personally I'd throw this one back.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 31/01/2024 07:56

SpongeBob2022 · 31/01/2024 07:21

The general consensus on here is that step parents aren't required to engage at all.

For what it's worth I disagree but my one little voice won't mean much!

I'll add my little voice to yours! As someone who has been a stepchild, if someone had arrived in my life, moved into my home and married my parent, but then refused to care for me and insisted my parent do it all, I'd have been very upset and hurt and felt rejected. It would have felt like not only is this person taking some of my parent's time from me, but they also plainly don't care about me.

Merrymouse · 31/01/2024 07:59

RichardMarxisinnocent · 31/01/2024 07:56

I'll add my little voice to yours! As someone who has been a stepchild, if someone had arrived in my life, moved into my home and married my parent, but then refused to care for me and insisted my parent do it all, I'd have been very upset and hurt and felt rejected. It would have felt like not only is this person taking some of my parent's time from me, but they also plainly don't care about me.

Show quote history

I think the situation here is that the step parent would be expected to provide care instead of the parent.

HollyKnight · 31/01/2024 08:00

Who is expecting you to do it? The ex or the boyfriend? I wouldn't expect a stepparent to parent in the absence of a parent. I think their role should be to be kind, supportive, and welcoming while the children are there with their parent.