Do you think the new partner should help?

[RunningOnCoffee6385]

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

I am always bemused on these threads. It seems to me that it's absolutely NOT on the step parent to be expected to drop everything because neither of the actual parents are willing to step up and do the work, for whatever reason.

I would like to think that in a healthy relationship, if one partner had DC, the other partner would be supportive and would play some kind of basic role.

The problem is that too often, one parent (usually the father) does not step up. Does not have the children for any sort of meaningful amount of time, does not take responsibility. the other parent (usually the mother) is understandably resentful of this and the fact that it means she cannot have her own life or work or whatever. And then, when she gets really mad and decides the children MUST spend more time with their dad, somehow, another women (the step mother) lands up being lumped with it. And that is NOT okay.

On the other hand, I'm equally confused by women who live with men who have children and see them regularly but are resentful that they need to prepare larger family meals, or that their DP has to sort bed time or who aren't willing to do the occasional lift or who are furious because their DH is late home from work so they're looking after the DC for a few hours.

Becoming a step parent I think does entail a level or responsibility and care. For example, step parents should make sure that step kids feel welcome and should make sure that they don't get in the way of the parents relationship with the kids.

However expecting a step parent to provide childcare services is not on. Soooooo many men get into a new relationship to pass off the woman's work to another woman. He needs to organise proper childcare. Why are step parents expected to provide various services but it would be heavily frowned upon if they tried to have a voice in key decisions regarding the child?

Don't let yourself be taken advantage of OP.

You can’t expect your ex’s partner to look after your kids. It’s up to then add a couple to decide what together looks like for them - and you have no right to any say in this.

You can however expect your ex to parent his children, and to figure out how he’s going to do that. If your ex is failing to fulfill his parenting responsibilities I’d say revisit custody and financial agreements. If you are expected to take on more than 50% of the care then your ex should be contributing financially to that.

It would be reasonable to have a discussion with your ex about moving things to accommodate his work shifts if that wouldn’t create an unreasonable burden or unfair deal for you.

If it was your own partner it would be perfectly reasonable to say step-parenting your kids is part of the deal of being in a relationship. Your prospective partner could then decide whether that was a deal they wanted.

Nope. Same as I wouldn't expect the mums new partner to. Just because he's a shit dad who fails to prioritise his kids, doesn't mean you need to. But I would be bloody wary about having more kids with someone who clearly doesn't govern any shit for the several he's already had.....I also personally wouldn't marry someone with such ctap morals regarding his kids, but that's not what was asked.

I am a step parent.

I welcome my step child In to the home, buy and cook the meals they like, make sure they have the toys and comforts they like and I’m happy and engaged with them however I am not their parent and I am certainly not childcare.

my role is to support my partner’s relationship with his child not to take on his parental duties. I am not a parent, he is.

Do you mean you're bemused by the OP, or the responses?
Because I'd say most of the responses have said the same as you. And I agree.

This 100%

Unfortunately not all parents feel that way and will do anything to have a free weekend with their new boyfriend.

I agree with everyone else, you are engaged to a loser.

He will do the same to any kids you have with him.

In reality it’s the dad doing anything to avoid having his own kids, including a fiancé.

But nice slut shaming of mums, you’re not misogynistic at all 🙄

That’s fine for you but this woman may have different needs to you e.g. work.

Why make it about you?

@pootlin I am speaking from first hand experience so not misogynistic or slut shaming at all!!

I think you’re probably projecting a lot!

OP will reappear a few years and a name change later to complain about her useless husband who does F all with their kids...

As the RP, I wouldn't be interested in dating someone who didn't want to treat my kids like their own. And I wouldn't want to date someone with kids if I didn't want the same.
If he isn't the RP then he should be prioritising spending time with his kids when he can. What's the point in contact with them if he's not there? They might as well not go in the first place.
You're nor the hired help and you shouldn't have to do anything for his kids. But I'd question whether a relationship with someone who has kids is right for you ( and more importantly the kids involved) if you don't want to treat them as your own.

Oh sorry are you saying you would do anything to have a free weekend with your new boyfriend?

As an RP also, I wouldn't WANT someone who isn't their parent treating my children like their own. It's naive to think they could love them like their own!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a child free weekend once in a while, especially when you're a RP and rarely get a break.

Is it the "new" partners job to look after the children.

But equally it is the NRPs job to arrange childcare if they have to work on their days.

Now of course that's all variable depending on which days the 2 parents work, but RPs can't just opt out of parenting because they have to work.

For example.
I'm a single RP.
My ex is an NRP with a new wife.
He only ever had the DC 1 day per week, refused to have them more often. He didn't work. I was working full time, shift work with alternate weekends.
One Saturday I got a text "can't have boys this week, my mate needs a hand"
Me: "I've got work. It's your day"
Him: "not my problem"
Me: "maybe your wife can help out?"
Him: "no. If you can't manage to work and have the kids then I'll have custody"

I mean, WTF? Was it her job? No. But it was his responsibility. By all means offer me first refual as it were. If I wasn't at work I'd have jumped at the chance for an extra day. But my boss did not take kindly to me cancelling last minute, and tbh I couldn't afford to lose a days wages.

Interestingly when I did have a new partner ex was always quick to claim it was his job to provide childcare. Double standards!

Why?
Why wouldn't you want your kids to have that kind of relationship with their step parent? It's not a slight on you. It adds to the childs life and gives them someone else to turn to. It's down to the parent to make sure the person they are with is suitable for that.
Why couldn't they love them like their own? It's not straightforward and easy all the time, but that doesn't mean it's not achievable. I love my nephews like my own, and would do anything for them. Why can't a step parent do the same?

I don't want mine to have a step parent at all to be honest, it's more hassle than anything and never done in the best interests of the children, only the adults.

Each to their own, but I find that a bit sad. My ex partner bought a lot to my kids lives. He passed away in September, and I don't forsee myself ever getting into another relationship but I definitely don't regret it. And as painful as it is for them that he passed away, I don't think they would rather he hadn't ever been in their lives.
Having said that my ex is rather like the ops partner seems to be, and she doesn't really feature in my kids lives. It's swings and roundabouts I guess.

Not sad at all. My life is fulfilled enough! I don't need or want a partner.

That may have come across wrong. I feel the same about ever having a partner again.
I meant I found it a bit sad to rule out your child ever having a step parent based on your original post; the idea that they couldn't love them like their own and that it was only ever in the interests of the adults.

Fair enough. I'd rather just not take the chance. Already made enough parenting mistakes! Anyway DS is nearly 16 and I've been on my own almost all that time and we've been alright.

I literally became a replacement mum when I got with my dh. Even his ex was happy to dump their 2 young kids on me unexpectedly despite her hating me. Dontvdo it, it causes resentment and yes it is purely the parents job to look after their kids. I feel like a prize mug for putting up with it for so long