Do you think the new partner should help?

[RunningOnCoffee6385]

Split with ex. Three children (12ds, 8ds, 6dd)

Would it be unreasonable to expect the new partner (engaged & together 4yrs) to look after the kids? Ex has said he can't watch them due to his shifts days/nights etc so has them very infrequently. Would you expect the new partner who obviously got with him knowing he has three kids to share the load with him her husband to be? Like she would watch them while he's at work etc?

No

Some Partners would be happy to, but they have two parents, you and your ex. If he says he can’t have them due to shifts why should a partner look after them? They won’t see their father who is working

if there are set days then if he is working he should sort childcare but if there are no set days you have defaulted to letting him have them at times that suit him, so you get them the rest of the time

No new partner fell in love with the ex,
just because she accepts he has kids it’s not her job to parent them. I am sure she would have ideally preferred if he didn’t have children from a previous relationship. I am a step child, I expect nothing and get nothing from my step dad, nor would I want to. We politely tolerate each other but that’s as far as it goes

No, you’re not responsible for childcare. The degree to which you wish to assume responsibility as a stepparent is up to you, if he doesn’t like it he isn’t obliged to stay.

Similarly you’re not responsible for his relationship with his children. That’s between him, his ex and them.

I've been a step-child so tbh I think that perspective is rather more valid.

Step-parenting is not something that happened to you unbidden, it was an active choice you made.

Having been a child doesn’t mean you know anything about parenting. How do you feel about people who don’t have children telling you they know how to be a parent?

Loads of SMs have been stepchildren. Many also have children with stepmothers too.

One thing that is obvious is that people who’ve never been in the situation are absolutely determined that they know how to do it right.

Being a stepparent literally just means you’ve married someone with a child. That’s it. It doesn’t make you responsible for said child, and it’s not a title that comes with a ‘to do’ list.

Absolutely not no. They have 2 parents to look after them. The parents are at fault here they need to look after their kids.

As a regular expected thing, no. As an occasional hey we’re all stuck any chance you could watch the kids, yes.

If there's an arrangement and he has the kids on certain days then I'd expect him to arrange suitable childcare for them if he's at work. I don't think it's acceptable to tell them not to come round. That conversation should happen between the dad and new partner.

It makes you part of a family unit that includes children and on a practical level this entails more hands-on family work than simply leaving them to their own devices.

Like I said I don't blame anyone who doesn't want that, I certainly didn't. But dating and marrying someone with children is an active choice!

No she shouldn't but he should be pulling his weight parenting

In emergency though I think everyone should pull together- or helping out for occasional school holidays just not an expectation

I got together with my partner a year and a half ago. His DD is 3 and a half now.

We work opposite shifts and I do the majority of the childcare as his hours are less favorable.

I don't mind - it's tough, but I went in knowing what it would mean. I love them both.

No, he's the dad. It's on him to parent.

I think this is where the term "partner" becomes all things to all people.

I'd say - you're not married yet, so he has no right to expect this of you. Enjoy the perks of being single while you still are!

If you do marry (as you plan to), then you've effectively signed up to be a stepmother and have some responsibility - though like any couple with kids, it doesn't mean he unilaterally decides what he can and can't be bothered to do, and leaves you with the rest.

That might sound very black and white, but a lot of women find themselves inexorably drawn towards domestic responsibilities when the word "partner" comes into orbit. Just make sure it's not only him who decides when it means "girlfriend" and when it means "wife".

Thanks for the marriage advice ✌️

It doesn’t define the role you have to take regarding children in said family, and it doesn’t oblige you to take on any parental responsibilities for them. So no, it doesn’t practically mean ‘more hands on family work’ if you don’t wish to accept that.

Again, it’s up to the parent to decide what they’re looking for in a partner. They’re the ones responsible for their children, if it’s important to them to find a partner willing to take on a parental role then it’s entirely on them to screen out those unwilling to.

Not your kids, not your responsibility.

tell him to find a nanny if that’s what he’s really looking for in you!

What's the point in the kids going to their dad if he isn't around to spend time with and care for them?

@gannett I made an active choice to marry my husband and allow him to move into my house on the condition that he parents his own kids. He was fine with this. Hope that's ok with you.

Nope. I am a stepmum and no, it's not my responsibility to look after the children. Yes, I got married to a man with children (he also got married to me, and I have children...) but I expect him to do his own parenting.

They have two parents. What would happen if those two parents were still married? They'd have to sort it out amongst themselves.

I think 3 children from 6-12 is a different proposition.

Ah, if you saw my previous comment I said I am a step parent and I went into it totally prepared to do all this stuff!

No!!!
Only together with the Dad.. definitely not on her own.
What Mother would expect this?.

Yes totally