AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

[SherryNutkin]

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

I’d be grateful they let Jim’s stay but it would have been kinder to get him to contact you first. As far as your son goes I would be absolutely livid.

Do his parents know you're in the WhatsApp group? If that's their only way of contacting you I can see why they might be reactant to share it with the entire group. I'm not sure. Hes safe and not having his books and pe kit will be a natural consequence for storming off. It'll give you both a chance to cool off before you can have a chat tomorrow

Yes, as a solo mum to a - now grown up - son I would definately have made your son phone you to let you know he was staying with us. Just for your peace of mind.

Hopefully he will feel some embarrasment that he had to stay overnight with his mates' parents house. Let that be a lesson to him. And yes, his look-out for not being prepared for school.

I hope he is amenable to having a chat about this together. Stick to your boundaries OP.

You have no idea what he told the parents. They may well be under the impression you were informed and onboard with it, or that you were abusive or drunk or something else.

Don’t focus your anger at and fears for your son on them. It’s your DS who has behaved appallingly. He’s old enough that his friend’s parents shouldn’t have to chase communications because he’s being a brat. It’s scary when a kid does this sort of thing. But other people’s parents don’t know what’s going on. They have kindly provided a safe place. Be glad he’s safe for now and sort it out tomorrow when everyone’s calmer and had enough sleep.

Re Whatsapp group - I guess I would have said "are the parents of [name] in this group?" It could have been about anything and this sometimes happens as it's quite a big group.

Your son could have lied to the parents saying he called you when they asked.

Although I had 3 teens and I was amazed at the number of patents who never screened me in anyway or even checked when their kids were staying over.

I would call the parents to let them know their kid was safe with us and they were fine and never followed up or asked me anything. I am talking 13+ mostly girls! We were all strangers.

Why couldn't you ask in the WhatsApp group once he told you who he was staying with...or didn't you get given a name?

I didn't post in the whatsapp group because I thought it was too late. By the time I had stopped messaging with my son trying to persuade him to come back and establishing what had happened it was about 11.30pm or so and from the video call they did appear to be in bed and my son was so adamant that to be honest the shock of it took a while to wear off. I did ask my son if I could speak to them but he refused and said they had gone to bed. Also, in the upset I just didn't think to get the surname of the schoolmate and there are lots of children with that name, but I think the main reason was that it was too late by then. I think he had been there a little while and had eaten there although that's just the impression I got, and if a child turns up on a school night out of the blue then I think you try to contact the parents. I am a bit shocked that they did not but am hoping that there will be a good explanation for everything and that all will be well in the morning but clearly I can't sleep.

You don't know what he told the parents. If he is angry enough to walk out, he is angry enough to lie to them in order to have a place to sleep. Since you don't actually have confirmation or know where he is, you could call the police or get yourself an Uber and go looking for him.

It's not the parents you should be cross with it's your son. It's very kind of them to take him in. They probably have no idea what's going on he could've lied and said all kinds of things... don't direct your anger at some random people who made sure your son wasn't in danger on the streets. Just thank them and then consider how to handle your son going forward.

And have you considered the possibility that they don't even know he's there? Possibly they were already in bed and his mate let him in.
I did this in my teens as my room was at the back and my parents room at the front with a different stairway so I could get friends in via the front door and they could stay over then leave in the morning and my parents were none the wiser

No I would not expect it, it is nice if they do but you have a son issue not an other parent issue

Maybe they aren’t in the WhatsApp group. Maybe he told them you knew he was there.

you can’t presume they haven’t bothered to try.

If my teenager had asked if a friend could stay I wouldn't automatically assume that it was because they had stormed out of their own home and had refused to contact their parents, so no I also wouldn't automatically assume I'd need to tell the mum they are safe.
I suppose the fact it's a week night thing might be odd but it depends on how easy going they are.

The focus should be on your child's unacceptable behaviour trying to scare you into feeling guilty because they faced a consequence for unacceptable behaviour.
Can you enable location tracking on their phone (that I assume you pay for) so that in future you can be assured he's not on a park bench (a teen sulking about the first world problem of a temp gaming equipment ban is unlikely to put themself in such an uncomfortable situation) and not rise to the OTT strop so much making it a waste of time and effort for them.

To be honest I’d have called the police and have had him brought home. He probably feels he’s won. What awful behaviour from him. I remember 14 as a difficult age for my eldest. He definitely pushed my buttons.

Shame your ‘middle class life’ involves your son swearing at you when he doesn’t get his own way. I hope you nip that in the bud immediately. If my son swore at me he’d never get his tech back again.

That said, I don’t think YABU for expecting the parents to double check with you whatever he said to them. I know I would if a child of that age turned up and stayed on a school night.

YANBU. Yes the parents might be easygoing but it's everyone's duty to safeguard, and a kid turning up unexpectedly and asking to stay the night would be a red flag so they should have tried to contact you. I think you should contact school in the morning so his head of year has a heads up that he had a bad night and ask if they keep an eye on him today.

This is odd on several levels. If I was you I’d have called the police to report my son missing.

If I was the parents of a child who turned up late on a school night and decided they were staying over, I’d most likely say no because I don’t want my own child having a sleepover on a school night and I would guess that something was up at the other child’s home and would make sure parents were spoken to.

I do think you should tell the school about the incident, hopefully they can tell the friends parents what occurred and that you were as worried as you were.

The fact your son, stormed out upset and you carried on cooking etc and didn't even begin to worry until 10:30pm, is what concerns me, noy the other parents.
I'd have been out looking for him, way before that time. I'd have also informed the police by that time.

The situation isn’t of the parents making. It’s yours and your sons so I am not sure why you focus is on them.

You have no idea what they have been told. It could have been played down or made worse. They may not know he stormed out and think he has told you where he is. Or he may have made it sounds a lot worse, told them he has told you where he is and they think contacting you will make it worse.

Was his behaviour so poor you needed to take his possessions? You say you usually tick along nicely. But it doesn’t sound like it. He behaved poorly, you took his stuff, when he reacted (which he would whether it’s fair or not), you were quite happy to tell him to go and confident he would come back. You weren’t even worried that he was out with no charge on his phone. And at 10.30pm you hadn’t heard from him and were just sat worrying rather than doing anything.

I have a teenager and an adult daughter so I am not unfamiliar with parenting teens but this seemed to be handled very bizarrely for a family who usually ‘tick along nicely with a bit of odd grumpiness’. It’s escalated very quickly.

its possible they have no idea he’s in a strop and may assume hanging out late/overnight with mates is the norm, so I’d assume your teen is fully responsible for his own behaviour in this situation. Going to school without his bags and equipment and getting appropriate detentions seems apt. Personally I would have told him that i was going to call the police in half an hour what with him behaving out of character and supposedly in an unknown peer house, refusing to give address details. It’s likely the house was safe but there is the chance of real safeguarding issues through his stroppy I’ll thought out decision making. When your son returns sit him down and explain that he put himself at risk randomly turning up at a mates house, yes you expect him to visit and eventually stay over with friends whose parents you don’t know, however due to his young age you have a duty of care 24/7 and would call the police if he went missing for hours again. Outline the original problem, his sweaty behaviour, the worry he put you through while missing and ask him how he would have better resolved things. Ask what the mature solution would have been and what he will do differently next time?

What did he do originally? Why was his tech taken? Was it a fair decision?

These people were kind enough to take in your runaway son for the night and all you have for them is criticism. Personally, I would have been grateful that he wasn't sleeping in a park overnight.