AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

[SherryNutkin]

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. The parents may not have known he was there, or he may have convinced them that you were fine with it, they may have overheard the video call even so they knew you knew where he was. I would be grateful to them for ensuring he was safe, not blaming them at all. To be honest your ds is likely to do this again, so don't destroy a place of safety he has got when things get tough for him by falling out with the parents. You also have no idea they are on the WhatsApp group and if I was them I would have presumed you would have contacted me if you were concerned. Focus your energy on your son.

Don't be mad at the parents they very kindly gave him a bed for the night with no warning. He obviously feels some safety with that friend or he wouldn't have gone there. Maybe at age what 13/14 he should have life 360 on his phone so you know where he is until he's mature enough to not storm out when things don't go his way.

Waiting until someone has to leave the house to hide their cherished stuff as a punishment is not a proportionate attempt to get them to see right from wrong. It’s an attempt to demonstrate your power over them. That might be a valid choice on the basis of whatever had gone before it, but I don’t think you can reasonably expect him not to want to be as far away from you as possible for doing it. I remember my mum pulling this stunt once, hiding my stuff, and I did exactly the same thing. The only one who learned any kind of lesson from it was her.

Year 9, how old is that?

Reverse happened to me once. The kid (12 yrs old) assured me his mom knew where he was (the first thing I asked when he arrived). I instructed him to check in with her just before supper and he said he would (he apparently didn’t).

Mum was livid with me when she tracked him down but I just smiled and said « you’re welcome » as I handed him over calm and well fed. Only difference he didn’t spend the night.

Thats why I voted YABU as possibly similar went on with your boy.

I didn't say anything awful except as an off the cuff comment. I also told him I was cooking his dinner and although he might be upset with me for confiscating his tech, he should stay here where it is warm and safe and he can eat and we could work it out. For all I knew when I reacted "go on then" he could have walked round the block. I did message him earlier of course. I am sorry but the police would not have been concerned earlier and it would also be a waste of their time earlier. I was about to call the police.

He's 13/14? No, I wouldn't lay any blame at the parents door

Your kid is old enough to decide to storm out and attempt to punish you - follow through on the consequences about the unacceptable behaviour and keep the tech.

Do not punish for storming out and going elsewhere, you don't punish secondary behaviour - you just follow through on the consequences for the first.

He did the right thing by letting you know he was safe, that's when you should have gone 'ok, take care' and gone to bed.

Staying up all night is a bad idea, hope you got some rest.

This is all on your DS. You have no idea what he said to the parents.

At that age no. God only knows that he told them, and whilst I might just have checked that if had told you, I probably wouldn’t have pursued it if he’d said yes, or that you already knew.

I think focussing on them is not helpful, it’s your son you need to be discussing this with.

Don’t be mad at the parents. They’ve given him a safe place to stay, and you’ve no idea what he’s told them as to why he’s there, they probably think you’re aware of it.

@SherryNutkin

'Safe middle class life' 😳

I'm a school safeguarding lead, so know 100% that you're condescending, awful comment is totally wrong.
I deal with 'safe middle class' families everyday and they're actually harder to approach as they're more likely to be dishonest (in my experience) about what's going on at home etc

Maybe your ds prefers being in a home with parents with a nicer attitude?

Sorry but you’re angry at the wrong person.
be grateful this family took your son in.
you have no idea what he told them! He and his friend could have said it were all arranged, you’d had an emergency etc
it’s your son you need to working with.
i hope it improves.

YABU in that your post is all about blaming the other parents (who have kindly let your child stay). If your child rocks up with a 14yo mate and says “Xs mum said he should stay here tonight” or whatever, then many parents would take their word for it and just let them stay. Not every parent would go round spreading the friends business over the school WhatsApp to try and locate the other parent for answers. Some parents are more laid back, or have a more trusting relationship with their child.

You DID tell him that he should leave (“go on then”). The way you confiscated his belongings was also stupid. Coming home to the surprise that they were gone. It should have been a conversation. I’m sorry, but this is your parenting and nothing else.

I wondered whether that was going to strike a nerve. I wasn't being entirely serious with the "safe middle class" life. It was self-mocking.

And I had warned him about the tech as a consequence, and explained why, so it wasn't a surprise.

Chances are he could well have said something along the lines of "mum's thrown me out and I've got nowhere to stay". Which is actually true. In that instance I wouldn't have got in touch with a parent I didn't know to tell them their child is safe. I might gently try to persuade the child that they should tell their parent they were safe, but if they said they were too scared (for example) I wouldn't push the point. Or your DS might well have said that he'd told you he was at a school friend's.

I think it's a shame OP is focussing on the friend's parent who were kind enough to take in her son, rather than looking at her own behaviour.

Literally why post on AIBU if you won’t accept the feedback that you’re being unreasonable 🙄

If I was the parent then I wouldn’t have called you or checked his phone to see if he’d contacted you. He would have been prompted to contact you to let you know where he was. That’s assuming that they knew that he was in the house.
You’re angry at the wrong person but make sure that your son knows that he did the right thing calling you.

Yabu. The parents won’t know the details of why your son was having a sleep over at their house or that you were beside yourself with worry. I’d be concerned if my year 9 son thought it acceptable to just disappear for the night and not let me know till 1130pm where he was. I’d honestly focus on that, not the parents.

I’d stop worrying about the ins and outs of last night, this is mn where people will always have an opinion on the bare minimum of information, personally I always had a no sleepover on a school night rule at that age, but you should start considering how to handle it after school today. He is not going to be a happy chicken today and the anxiety will increase the closer it gets to home time.

on one hand his behaviour was appalling and a dreadful over reaction to tech being confiscated, on the other hand you could have handled everything better and confiscating tech should be done immediately not allowed to come home and just find it gone.

I don’t think it’s “struck a nerve”, it just made you sound a bit wanky.

The issue is your son’s unacceptable behaviour, he is definitely old enough to know better. The parents are really nothing to do with it.

Of course they should. If one of my son’s friends turned up unannounced on a school night wanting to stay over, without an overnight bag etc., of course I would be concerned and track down his parents to check.

And for all those saying ‘well you don’t know what he told them’ who bloody believe a what a teenager tells them? Especially one already acting suspiciously.

I think if one of my kids friends turned up late at night after something had happened at home, I would ask them if they were ok with me letting their parents know, but if they refused I would be guided by them. They don’t know what’s happened and if calling you makes that kid More unsafe.

I would prefer that kid knew they had a safe place to come rather than roaming the streets at night and would assume decent parents would agree - although can totally understand yu must have been beside yourself. This is a great opportunity to reach out to them now that your son has disclosed where he stayed, firstly to thank them for keeping him safe and then navigate what this might look like in the future.

your son made some good decisions in what he did (going to a friend and in the end letting you know he was safe) it’s important that you recognise those things in your discussion with him

I can completely see how it's hard to know when to start taking something like this seriously- you don't want to start calling the police etc when you think he might just come back 5 minutes later- so I do have some sympathy. But the fact remains that you can't blame them for not eg posting on Whatsapp when you, the boy's mother, also didn't post on Whatsapp. That would have been an easy thing to do- "Can you all please ask your kids if they've seen Ben as he's supposed to be home" or something if you don't want to give details (my son's in sixth form and we've seen a few posts like this in the Whatsapp over the years).

I also think you should try to see it from the other parents' pov. They're sitting down to dinner when some random kid turns up and tells them God knows what, and they interrupt their evening to give him a bed, perhaps make plans for what to do (if he said he was kicked out they might have been planning to call the police in the morning- they might still do so). If you turn up today ranting about what they should or shouldn't have done, I'd think you were barking mad.

My guess is he asked his friend if he could stay over and told the parents you were okay with it. They probably assumed he was telling the truth if he is usually a nice lad because why wouldn't they?

Not really point but for all those commenting about perhaps not wanting it to be on the WhatsApp group chat, you don’t actually have to message the whole group even if you don’t have the person’s number saved you can find the individual in the group and select to message them privately.