AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

[SherryNutkin]

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

I now know that the parent who believed my son when he said that I “did not care about him” actually had my number on her phone. I did not know whose parent she was but she knew whose parent I was, but as she had not given it much thought on the night she had someone else’s child in her house, she did not work it out. She told me that he had told her child that I did not care and had thrown him out. I had not thrown him out. I don’t care how anyone else interprets my words. They weren’t there. I had warned him that I would confiscate his tech. What I said about “well go then, go” was in a long context of having just before that tried to persuade him that the way to deal with the sanction for his behaviour was not to run away but to stay where he was safe and warm (in a home where he is very well loved indeed) and that I was about to cook his dinner amongst other encouraging things like we can talk about it but don’t go storming off etc. No one here knows the whole history, and for clarification, he is 14 not 9. He knows that after a discussion and taking responsibility for his behaviour I would probably have given some of the tech back but he stormed off. It’s not normal for these school friends to stay at each others’ houses much at all, never mind on a school night. She said that she had asked him whether I knew he was there because I would be worried and that he had said yes. She also said that she wasn’t sure what to do in case it was true that I didn’t care about him and had thrown him out. I am grateful that she put him up but that is a separate issue as to whether she should have contacted me. She told me she wanted her home to be somewhere children could go to. That is all well and good, but that should not trump telling a very worried parent where their child was. I’m sorry but all this stuff about safeguarding is getting out of control. If this is a world where there is no presumption that parents would be worried and want their children home, where other parents presume their home is safer and where parents fulfilling their dream of having an open house and using no common sense trumps the actual parents’ love and better knowledge of the situation, then this is a mad world.

So he’s 14, she asked him, he said you had kicked him out and that you knew where he was. He came back safe and well the next day. I think she’s done nothing wrong, apart from put your son up in a safe place after he lied to her. You need to focus on your relationship with your son and not this woman and improve that, so that next time he lets you know sooner. But in reality he’ll probably go somewhere else next time and do exactly the same thing, so in pushing this all you’ve probably done is deprive your son of a safe place to go.

If she had contacted you separately then if what he had said was true she could have put him in further danger if you’d gone steaming over there (which actually sounds pretty likely) can’t you see that. Giving him time to cool down in a safe place and tell you himself (which he did) rather than running straight to you and making the situation worse showed a lot of common sense.

And this has nothing to do with safeguarding, save to say that if she was truly worried she should probably have contacted social services the next day as well.

Yes but how do I know he was actually safe in that home? I didn't want him there on a school night. I would not have gone "steaming over there". I would have explained that I had not kicked him out and that he just could not face a reasonable sanction. At no point did he tell her he was not safe. He was just in a strop and another way of looking at it is that she made it more likely for it to happen in future because she facilitated his stroppy behaviour. I would have made arrangements for him to come home. All of this need not have happened with a simple phone call. I am his mother. She is not. My home is his home. Her's is not. I have not fallen out with the mother at all. We had a very nice chat. I just think she should have called. That's all.

I still maintain you are redirecting your anger.

She did the right thing with the information she had. She believed you knew where he was, and it’s not her business to interfere in your argument with your son.

You handled it poorly. That’s OK. Every parent does at some point.

You could reflect on more productive ways to navigate those situations in future.

Or you can continue to blame someone who did nothing wrong and provided your son with a safe place to be when it sounded like he needed one.

"She told me that he had told her child that I did not care and had thrown him out. "

"She said that she had asked him whether I knew he was there because I would be worried and that he had said yes. She also said that she wasn’t sure what to do in case it was true that I didn’t care about him and had thrown him out. "

It was a judgement call, she did her best, she gave your son a place to stay. She seems like a caring and thoughtful person trying to do the right thing.

I think a lot of people would have done what she did with the information she had, and a lot would have called you anyway. There isn't one clear cut right way.

But you knew where he was by 11pm? How was he any less safe there than if you had pre-arranged a sleepover on a Saturday night or something? Even if she had contacted you you’d have known where he was sooner but he’s not going to be more safe there- it’s not like you’d have time to DBS check everyone in the house.

Plus he’s 14, not 6- in a very short period you’ll have no idea where he is any night of the week. The best way to deal with that is to make sure he’s got the confidence to get out of any dubious situation nor keep tabs on him 24/7.

If it was me I’d have text the entire group looking for him and would have been searching everywhere and would have possibly even called the police by 10.30.

I would not be blaming anyone, would put it behind me and would talk to my son about it all and ensure it does not happen again.

It's possible to work on several things at the same time. Just because I am still writing on here does not mean that I have not resolved things with my son etc. I don't intend to go into that in detail. I said I was upset, not angry, on the night that it happened, and I am very calmly saying now that it is my firm belief that she could and should have contacted me and it would have all been fine, he would have come home, he would not have been knackered for school, we could have resolved it without it becoming a huge drama and I would not have been sick with worry. So on the contrary, a simple message or call was all it would have taken.

I agree with you mom, I think she should have called to let you know that your child was safe. You had to have been beside yourself with worry. The teen years can be difficult. Good luck!

"So on the contrary, a simple message or call was all it would have taken."

I am not sure if you mean from your son - with which I agree.

But if you mean from the other parent - do you understand why, on balance, she didn't call or message you, given what your son said?

Do you take a teenager at their word, especially in these circumstances? I would have doubted that it was all completely true and found a way to contact OP. Too many red flags and I would have wanted to safeguard the boy and find out what was going on.

@SherryNutkin the fact remains that if you were ‘that worried and concerned’ about where he was spending the night that you should have called the police. You didn’t know where he was. You say that’s upsetting you and you’re responsible for him not the family where he claims to have sought refuge, yet your actions don’t match your anger towards the other parents/mother for not calling you. And he is only 14. That’s young, too young to be out whereabouts unknown, whether he tells you he is fine or not. I just do not understand all the breast beating about this yet no effort made to locate him at the time. Yes you spoke to him. But you say you wanted to know where he was and they should have called you. It doesn’t add up.

I haven't detailed everything that happened for privacy reasons. I also don't think it's relevant to my question.

I don’t know what I would do, TBH - my point is that there are arguments both ways. If a teen really has been thrown out, am I safeguarding him by contacting his parents or is he safer if I don’t?

I think that the OP could have texted the class WhatsApp at some point and said, “hey, has DC popped up at any of yours, he went out and hasn’t made it back yet and his phone was nearly flat?” - if the mum in question had seen that, she would have known that the DC hadn’t in fact said where he was.