AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

[SherryNutkin]

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

As the single parent of teen, who threatened to do this several times but fortunately never followed through, I can understand where you’re coming from. Had I been in those parents shoes I most definitely would have been contacting you to find out if you were aware of your sons whereabouts and also if you had agreed to him staying. However, I always tended to be in the minority with my sons friends parents with regards to wanting to know who he was with and where so I am sadly not surprised that you weren’t contacted. Looking on the bright side, at least your son contacted you. You may want to consider, if you don’t already have it, enabling location on his phone. That way at least you can check he is where he says he is. Hope you get it sorted out. The teen years can be a minefield.

What a nasty post! You have no idea of the issues of either mother or son. Be kind/helpful or maybe just don’t bother posting?

Maybe you could have asked on the WhatsApp group if anyone had seen your son?

It may be that he only agreed to stay if they didn't tell you where he was. Better that than he run out back into the night.

Taking away chargers and keyboard has never worked as a punishment for me. It just causes meltdowns as it can sometimes be the only lifeline they have.

Make some ground rules and have a discussion about what he can do if he feels like this again.

I wouldn't have told my 13/14 year old son to get out and then just not bother to contact him for a couple of hours because I was too busy making dinner

I would have called his bluff and called the police to report him missing from
home. The school would then have the police visit them and interview your son the next day to conduct a MFH report. Unacceptable behaviour but we take and shut down our DS tech also as a punishment. He does kick off sometimes so we extend how long he goes without it. Soon learn. If he pulled this stunt we would call the police and cause him more inconvenience.

This from a previous post, i di this a lot as a teenager.
Personally i feel a bit of tough love is needed here. Your son knows exactly what hes doing.

And have you considered the possibility that they don't even know he's there? Possibly they were already in bed and his mate let him in.
I did this in my teens as my room was at the back and my parents room at the front with a different stairway so I could get friends in via the front door and they could stay over then leave in the morning and my parents were none the wiser.

You need help and support. It's not normal or right for 9 year olds to go storming out of house and disappear to someone else's house for the night. It's not right that you have escalating conflicts at his age. It will be far worse when he's a teenager with hormones. Your discipline methods aren't working. Neither of you is showing the other person respect. Maybe he needs a safe place to storm off to - but agree that with the other parents. Maybe go in and talk to the school. But you need a third party involved in your relationship with your son. Where's dad? Are any grandparents of use? Maybe next time, make him help you with house-cleaning that you can do together as a punishment (and bonding)?

Read the ops post - not 9 years old - in yr 9 - already a teen

they probably don’t even know you don’t know! Teenagers are very good at telling lies, he could have told them he had told you he is staying out.

Way to completely invent a scenario to help you stick the boot in . Reported.

They should have contacted you BUT so should your son. That is where the problem lies. Don’t get distracted from that. He might have told them you knew where he was.

He very likely told his friends’s parents a load of bull and that it was alright with you.

My DS’s friend (who turned into a very sly lying little shit) completely convinced me that his parents were fine with him staying over at my house.

They weren’t at all and turned up on my doorstep to collect him.

The other parents aren't the villains in this one.

Try to hide a tracker in his clothes and use Where’s My Phone to locate him, then ask the police to bring him home. Maybe talk to a police officer about a Scared Straight program. Your son is pushing envelopes already at his young age. I worry for you when he becomes a hormonal teenager.

Do NOT do this unless you want to break down your relationship already.
It's not acceptable to track someone without their knowledge.

I would think he is already a hormonal teen based on some of his behaviour ...

I think you should be thankful that he offered a safe place to sleep and not sent walking home. TBH he could have told them anything. You need to be talking to him.

YANBU. The world is weird nowadays. For some reason, since all kids have mobile phones parents just seem to expect all contact with parents to be done by the kids themselves.
I think a lot of parents feel relief from secondary age that they no longer have to interact with strangers. A bit like the type of people who don’t like answering the door….
I would never let a kid stay over without a message at least to the parents to make sure they knew where he was. How irresponsible to let another parent potentially worry themselves sick all night.

😅🤣
Get over yourself.

I would have asked in the group if anyone knew where my son was

I'd be livid too. They took responsibility for him and should have let you know from a basic safety point of view

YABU. Agreed with prev PP about “safe middle class life” and safeguarding-I guarantee a “working class” mum would have text the WhatsApp group and called the police. Not stayed at home cooking the bloody tea.

It's your responsibility to know where your child is, the parents of his friends don't owe you anything. You shouldn't have told him to go. I'd just be grateful that they gave him a safe place to stay and he isn't roaming the streets.

Did they? And where's the proof of that?

Back in my day, I would've returned home, been bitch slapped and know not to do it again!!