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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

164 replies

SherryNutkin · 31/01/2024 01:48

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

OP posts:
MCOut · 31/01/2024 04:47

YANBU in that if a 13/14 yo randomly comes over their house for an impromptu sleepover, common sense should have them contact his parents at the very least. I’d be worried something had gone on tbh and if I knew it wasn’t anything serious I probably wouldn’t allow it and would’ve taken him home.

That being said, I agree with the comments above you should’ve been concerned well before 22:30.

dancinginthewind · 31/01/2024 05:22

Are you sure he actually is at this friend's house?
Do you know the name of the friend?
If it was me, I'd be putting a message on the WhatsApp group at about 6.30 asking for the number of that person's parents or asking that person's parents to contact you. You can then check he is there, apologise and either arrange to collect him so he can come home & shower and get everything he needs for school or drop his stuff off so he can take it to school from there.
What is your plan for when he gets home from school tonight?

ParsnipAndPoppy · 31/01/2024 05:32

@SherryNutkin I have sent you a PM

MariaVT65 · 31/01/2024 05:40

RawBloomers · 31/01/2024 02:08

You have no idea what he told the parents. They may well be under the impression you were informed and onboard with it, or that you were abusive or drunk or something else.

Don’t focus your anger at and fears for your son on them. It’s your DS who has behaved appallingly. He’s old enough that his friend’s parents shouldn’t have to chase communications because he’s being a brat. It’s scary when a kid does this sort of thing. But other people’s parents don’t know what’s going on. They have kindly provided a safe place. Be glad he’s safe for now and sort it out tomorrow when everyone’s calmer and had enough sleep.

Edited

100% agree with all of this. Was thinking exactly the same.

NancyJoan · 31/01/2024 05:50

You have no idea what happened. Maybe he didn’t turn up late, asking to stay. He might have met up with his friend, then gone home with them. He might have gone to theirs while the parents were at work, and they were ensconced and playing a game when the parents got home. They may have asked if you knew where he was, and been told you did.

Pointless to be cross with them.

PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2024 05:54

Yes. If a young teenager pitched up at my house without prior notice I would tell them first that they were welcome to stay, second that I needed to speak to a parent and that's non-negotiable.

Tbh as a parent I would definitely have messaged the WhatsApp group at any hour asking if anyone had seen my son - and I know that because I've done it Blush

I hope you can both connect again today. Sounds really tough. I'm certain you made the right decision re his tech. Solidarity.

JustWonderingIfImNormal · 31/01/2024 05:56

I would assume he has lied to them about the reason he needed to stay.
Either that or their own child told them not to tell you and their loyalty lies with their own child when they don’t know all the facts about what’s happened with your son.

Noicant · 31/01/2024 05:58

Yeah it would be nice but you don’t know what he told them. My sisters friend came to stay one night and she wouldn’t talk about why just that she couldn’t stay at home. Someone picked her up the next day but tbh given we had no idea what had happened my parents would have felt uncomfortable about calling the parents given they had no idea if they had done something to her.

It’s bloody difficult, my first instinct as a parent myself would be to contact the other parent and say “x is at my house, they have a bed for the night, don’t worry about picking them up today, let them cool off here”. But if I suspected abuse I probably wouldn’t. Tbf the parents probably just don’t know what to do.

fairo · 31/01/2024 06:00

He probably told them he'd text you to let you know.

Or something like that.

I'd be grateful they'd kept him warm and safe personally and that this didn't have a tragic end.

MariaVT65 · 31/01/2024 06:02

Noicant · 31/01/2024 05:58

Yeah it would be nice but you don’t know what he told them. My sisters friend came to stay one night and she wouldn’t talk about why just that she couldn’t stay at home. Someone picked her up the next day but tbh given we had no idea what had happened my parents would have felt uncomfortable about calling the parents given they had no idea if they had done something to her.

It’s bloody difficult, my first instinct as a parent myself would be to contact the other parent and say “x is at my house, they have a bed for the night, don’t worry about picking them up today, let them cool off here”. But if I suspected abuse I probably wouldn’t. Tbf the parents probably just don’t know what to do.

I think there is a big assumption here that the parents know what is going on. If I was a teenager who had had my tech taken away for bad behaviour, or whatever I feel my version is, I wouldn’t be sharing this with my friends’ parents. I think it’s likely they don’t know there is a situation to ‘cool off’ over.

LenaLamont · 31/01/2024 06:06

You mishandled the argument with your son and are deflecting your anger and worry onto the other teen’s parents.

Perrie80 · 31/01/2024 06:08

They may have no idea that he's even there or they may have said to your son, do your parents know you're here? And your son just said yes.

Let us know how he is today.
Must be a worry x

Walking2024now30days · 31/01/2024 06:09

am hoping that there will be a good explanation for everything

why do you think his friends parents need 'a good explanation'??

they don't owe you anything.

MCOut · 31/01/2024 06:13

Kindly this is nonsense. This is not a question of loyalty, they are his parents not friends. No parent should be allowing their young teen child to dictate that they don’t follow through on basic safeguarding. Whether he was lying is immaterial, all children will push boundaries so they should’ve contacted his parents. A child should not be relaying permission about where they are sleeping.

SheilaFentiman · 31/01/2024 06:17

we have never had an impromptu sleepover but I’ve certainly stuck my head around the door to two gaming year 9s and said, “x, do you want to stay for tea? Yes? Ok. Let your parents know, though.”

And the follow up is asking x at tea if he did text his parents. Not checking his phone to see if he did.

If, however, there had been a message from you in the parents’ WA saying “hey, X has stropped off out, if he hooks up with any of your kids, I would appreciate a PM to let me know, my number is YYY” then I would have replied saying, “hey, he’s here, he’s having food and wants to sleep over, that ok?”

sashh · 31/01/2024 06:39

I can see both sides of this OP.

If your son had been home, there was a knock on the door and a friend of his said, "I've been kicked out can I stay here?" what would you do?

Obviously you say his parent(s) need to know where he is and he says if you tell them he will leave and go elsewhere.

What do you do then?

Risk him walking out or keep him safe?

YogiYogiBear · 31/01/2024 06:41

At that age I don't think it's unusual for parents not to contact each other or for an impromptu sleepover. I'd be assuming the parents have no idea what happened and their child has just asked if your child can stay over. They probably asked if you were okay with it and were lied to.

KeepGoing2 · 31/01/2024 06:54

LenaLamont · 31/01/2024 06:06

You mishandled the argument with your son and are deflecting your anger and worry onto the other teen’s parents.

Yes, this. You have no idea what he told them- could well be that he said you knew he was there.
Maybe ideally the parent should have followed this up but that’s really a secondary point, given that we’re talking about people who are under no obligation to you or your son and gave him a bed.

The real issues here are what your son did and what you did. He shouldn’t have stormed off. You should have handled the situation better and in particular acted before it got so late- I’m really surprised you didn’t send a WhatsApp because it was 11pm- what happened between early evening and 11pm? You could have done a lot more.

It’s natural you’re upset but you’re focusing on the wrong people.

Wetweatherandmud · 31/01/2024 07:04

I'd email his head of year and say he's been missing all night and could you be informed if he arrives at school.

Explain what's happened and that he has no equipment or clean clothes if he turns up. If he doesn't, the police will be called.

Original poster
SherryNutkin · 31/01/2024 07:12

Just to clarify, I was concerned and out looking for him before 10.30pm. His dinner was cold by then. I was on the verge of calling the police for the last part but also was expecting him to turn up and was about to cll the police when he messaged. It was very unexpected for me to hear that he was at a friend's house. I am confident I was not being abusive and that he overreacted to a proportionate attempt to get him to see right from wrong and face consequences. I appreciate there are other things to focus on and was asking about a discrete part of the evening just to get a view because amongst other things I was very surprised at what had happened. He is safe, thanks.

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 31/01/2024 07:13

So you've got every excuse imagable why you basically dripped the ball.
You said some awful things and then had the consequences to that.
You just CBA to message him or make any attempt to repair the argument (you seemed smug over the thought he'd just come back)
You then couldn't possibly post on the group because of how late it is.

But it's these strangers job to do everything you wouldn't and didn't?

Maybe they saw a distressed child from a questionable environment.

MiddleParking · 31/01/2024 07:15

It sounds like your son’s safe middle class manners kicked in and he realised it would be very rude and disruptive to leave in an Uber when the family had settled down for the night/gone to bed having allowed him to stay over. If you’re going to tell him to leave the house in the heat of the moment you’re probably need charged phones on both sides plus, to be honest, a car.

clpsmum · 31/01/2024 07:18

supersonicginandtonic · 31/01/2024 03:51

The fact your son, stormed out upset and you carried on cooking etc and didn't even begin to worry until 10:30pm, is what concerns me, noy the other parents.
I'd have been out looking for him, way before that time. I'd have also informed the police by that time.

This tbh

PrudeyTwoShoes · 31/01/2024 07:21

I agree that it's not something they'd feel comfortable sharing with the entire WhatsApp group. They should have prompted your son to send a message when he'd charged his phone (or asked for the number from him and sent you a quick message).

I do feel like you're being unreasonably harsh in your criticism of this family though. You say it's because you don't know the family but think of what you do know: they took in your son (who they don't know) unexpectedly and game him a safe place for the night. Your son says he's safe too.

Bedroomconfig · 31/01/2024 07:22

I wish people on here would read all the op's posts. It's infuriating.

Anyway, I agree that you don't know yet that the other parents have done anything wrong as you don't know what they've been told.

I'd try and establish some sort of friendly contact with them as that's clearly an important friendship for your son if he chose to go there.

I hope you can sort things out with him today anyway.