AIBU for thinking parents should have contacted me to let me know where my son is?

[SherryNutkin]

My Y9 son stormed out today because I followed through on a threat to confiscate his tech whilst he was at school following some pretty unacceptable behaviour. He came home from school, realised I had hidden his keyboard and chargers and stormed out. He came back but then swore at me quite a bit and he said he was going so in the heat of the moment I said go if you are going to behave like that. He took it quite literally and was still missing at 10.30pm. I was pretty frantic. He doesn't go out at night. He leads a safe, middle class life, and we generally tick along nicely with the usual grumpiness and the odd fall out. His phone was out of battery when he left so I didn’t attempt to contact him at first. I was busy cooking dinner and expected him to come back as he has done this once before. It got later and later and I texted him saying “please come back xx” and he responded around 10.30pm saying that he wasn’t coming back. I tried to persuade him and said I would get him an Uber (I don't drive) and asked him to tell me where he was and he just said that he was safe and that it was too late to come home. I had no idea where he was and all sorts of things were going through my mind. He eventually told me at about 11pm that he was at a school friend’s house, that everyone had gone to bed and that it was too late for him to come back. He is now spending the night with a family I have never met but who I believe live about 25 minutes’ walk away. I don’t have the parents’ numbers but there is a WhatsApp group where they could have asked whether I was on the group and let me know he was safe. I asked him to video call me so I could see where he was. I have to take his word for it that he is where he says he is and he is now sleeping there against my will. He won’t have his books or PE kit for tomorrow. AIBU for thinking that the parents should have made an effort to contact me because I was beside myself with worry and really did not want him to sleep over?

Thank you. I'm not a regular. My mind was whirring in the night. I will definitely take a look at that.

Oh yes, of course you were op 🙄

There really is no such thing as a safe middle class life. I think the tale of Yusuf Mackie taught us that.
Your DS storming out of a house and you having no idea of where he was is a risk. Spending the night with strangers is a risk.
Personally I'd have swallowed my nice middle class pride and rang the Police.

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think pride was involved as I was about to call the Police. It's not appropriate to call the Police at, say, 8-9pm in my view, knowing my son and how capable he is of travelling around by himself. As I said, I was about to call the Police. And quite frankly, if you think a 13-14 year old boy storming out and me not knowing where he is until later is such a terrible risk, then you are living in cloud-cuckoo land. I firmly believe that it would have been a nice middle-class waste of Police time and inappropriate to call them earlier in the evening. Yes, I could have called them maybe 30-45 minutes earlier, but I was trying to weigh up what I knew about my son and what you don't. Anyway, try answering the question.

It's just not true that all I have is criticism. You don't know everything I have said and done. I just asked a question whether I was unreasonable to think they ought to have phoned me. Of course I am grateful that they looked after him and he wasn't sleeping in a park (which he would not have done because he was only on a quest to charge his phone really), and it is bonkers to think I would not be grateful.

Completely unacceptable behaviour from a 14 year old. Swearing at you and then not coming home. I wouldn’t be worrying about the other parents input into this. I would be bringing him straight back into line and the next few weeks of his life would not be pleasant. I also would have phoned the police. He is only 14.

This is on you and your brat son.

For all you know they've contacted safeguarding as he's said you kicked him out.

Has he returned home OP?

This.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue. Maybe the parents of the friend were worried that if they push your son to contact you, he’d leave the safety of their home? Maybe they weren’t sure if you were a safe influence on him, as he may have suggested / lied about why he was there? There are all sorts of possibilities.

what I would focus on in your situation, is helping your son through whatever he is going through. His behaviour (God forbid) could potentially lead to some danger, in the future. He has to understand this and find a different way to manage his emotions, with support.

Agreed. This is one of the most sensible posts on here. He’s lucky he’s living in more enlightened times in which authoritarian parenting is not a thing. After last night a tech black out should be the least of his worries.

Yes thank you, and I had a good chat with the friend's parent.

So glad he’s home OP. If I’d been the other parents I’d have contacted you but we are all different. He’s home safe and that’s the most important thing. The swearing and being a git is something you can deal with in your own time and in the safety of home. His safety and your peace of mind are the priorities.

I’m sorry but anyone responding YABU are absolutely crazy!! If a NINE YEAR OLD CHILD turns up at your house at 10:30pm and you don’t call the parents or let the parents know where they are you are the asshole.

No you don’t know what the kid said to them, but it’s not your responsibility.

Absolutely agree. But that’s not really relevant in this case as we are talking about a 14 year old in year 9.

Year 9. Calm down.

Hi @SherryNutkin ... I just wanted to jump on because I know exactly how you must be feeling right now. My now 18 year old DS did the same thing to me when he was around the same age. The only advice I can give you is stick with it. Stick with the consequences and rules you have laid out. I had a rough 12-18 months with my DS. But he's an amazing young man now. He did really well at GCSE and A level and is now off at University. He's thriving and actually making really good choices and concentrating on his education. There's light at the end of the tunnel OP!

Thank goodness, good luck..

He's 14 and arrived at the friends at tea time.

Not sure what a 'safe middle class life' is. Working class family here and you would never catch my 12 and 15 year old leaving the house without telling me where they were going. I understand it was all a bit heat of the moment but i think i would have stopped a 9 year old leaving the house. I certainly would have expected the adults to at least attempt to contact you, i can only imagine how worried you were but he was safe and they werw kind enough to take him in. Hope you have both had a chat about what happened and resloved it/spoken about how to manafe such situations in the future, it did seem a little extreme.

How did the parents know that you didn’t know where your son was? I think it’s pretty harsh to be putting the blame on them.

I hear you about his behaviour OP, but I wouldn't have told him to go then, even in the heat of the moment. Young people don't have the ability to avoid risk or self soothe like we adults do.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. I am gobsmacked that people think any of this is ok. We are talking about a 9 YEAR OLD CHILD not a teenager. My kids were fed, bathed and in bed before 9pm on a school night. If they went missing I would have been fucking frantic not stirring a fucking casserole. By 9pm I would have involved the police to find them. This whole thread is bonkers.

Year 9...not 9 years old! Teenager..

Yes I find the 'we're middle class' bit rather condescending!!
Are we not all working class?, op please tell me how you differentiate middle and working class, does it mean if you're middle class you don't work for a living?
Tbh all a bit beyond me.
Hope the kind family that took in your son for for the night weren't working class how awful it must of been for the poor entitled child he might of had to sleep on the floor!!