Page 9 | Should I tell her he's been sleeping with me

Damaged27 · 2024-01-30T23:15:50+00:00

Changed name for this as its really outing. My ex and I have been sleeping together since we broke up kind of a fwb situation. Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever. However iv just found out, not from him that he has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year and she is a minimum of 12 weeks pregnant with his child. He has not said a word to me about this. Aibu to tell her or should I just walk away and let them have their little family. Yabu. Don't tell her Yanbu. Tell her what a cheating asshole she is with.

shieldmaiden7 · 31/01/2024 11:44

JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 00:04

I despair at people saying to turn a blind eye.

He shouldn’t have put you in this position, but he’s clearly not going to tell her and she absolutely has a right to know. Anyone ultimately saying that it’s ok to cheat on as long as she don’t find out clearly has very warped morals.

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

Or would these people be ok with being cheated on as long as they never have to hear about it? Nuts.

Please tell her. She has a right to be informed about what he’s doing with his dick, so she can make an informed choice on how to proceed.

In my eyes, not telling her would be to condone his cheating, and that would then make you more like a sordid affair partner than an innocent party.

Completely agree with this!

PiIIock · 31/01/2024 11:48

afkonholidaynearleek · 31/01/2024 11:42

We're not together and free to do whatever with whoever.
This is fine in principle, but definitely not fine that he didn't tell you about the woman he has been in a relationship with for a year and is now having a child with.

I'd refrain from telling the girlfriend as it would probably wreck a family before it's even begun. But you should definitely confront your ex-bf, as he needs to sort his shit out and step up to the plate around being a family with his new gf and child! At this rate he is not giving his child a chance at a normal family life.

Sorry but no, no and no!

Tell her and show her to make a fully informed choice about her pregnancy, sexual health and relationship. This is not a joke, it's serious with lifelong consequences.

And there's no family here. A telling off of the boyfriend by his ex will do fuck all, and ok wi still sleep with him anyway.

If this thread is to be believed.

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 11:48

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

yeah, because when he denies it and rhe ex says this, and you’re pregnant, your go to is to beleive the ex. Sure. That’s how it works. She bins him off and then lives as a single parent. All on the word of the ex girfriend,

meanwhile back in the real world. He will tell her the ex is bitter, jealous, a liar, and she will beleive him.

MumHereAgain2023 · 31/01/2024 11:49

Tell her.

CrappySack · 31/01/2024 11:49

Nttttt · 31/01/2024 11:13

Seems I’m more of a girls girl than most of Mumsnet because yes I would tell her so we could both bin the loser. Women support women, not hiding secrets from each other so some slimeball can continue his bad behaviour.

I feel sad/scared/surprised that so many wouldn’t tell an innocent woman. She’s pregnant and potentially putting a baby at risk here if he’s sleeping around.

This. I'd definitely tell her. You're not friends with her, have no mutual friends and you don't have kids with the ex so nothing to be lost if she doesn't believe you or blames the messenger.

Are the people saying not to tell her cheats themselves?

Also wtf at some of these comments. As if a single woman having consensual sex is the same as a man cheating on his pregnant partner 🙄🙄

PiIIock · 31/01/2024 11:50

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 11:48

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

yeah, because when he denies it and rhe ex says this, and you’re pregnant, your go to is to beleive the ex. Sure. That’s how it works. She bins him off and then lives as a single parent. All on the word of the ex girfriend,

meanwhile back in the real world. He will tell her the ex is bitter, jealous, a liar, and she will beleive him.

Don't even attempt to tell the woman, because you've made up a load of unfounded assumptions.

Plus - who cares if op isn't believed? No skin off her back, is it? But now she knows she's tried and the woman has made an informed choice.

Could send her evidence if not being beloved is an issue.

CrappySack · 31/01/2024 11:52

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 11:48

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

yeah, because when he denies it and rhe ex says this, and you’re pregnant, your go to is to beleive the ex. Sure. That’s how it works. She bins him off and then lives as a single parent. All on the word of the ex girfriend,

meanwhile back in the real world. He will tell her the ex is bitter, jealous, a liar, and she will beleive him.

OP has evidence, messages etc.

There might have been other suspicions the GF has had, but never had any evidence to back up and he's gaslighted away. Having evidence might be the thing she needs to break it off. At the very least it will plant a seed of doubt for the next time.

mrlistersgelfbride · 31/01/2024 11:55

I can't imagine wanting to sleep with someone while you know you are pregnant with someone else's baby, casually with both men, then have an abortion and I'm guessing you would have kept sleeping with both of them if this hadn't come to light?
I've had many sexual partners too and have had an abortion, so I'm not judging but wow it sounds very messy.

Wise up, OP. Get on contraception if you want to shag around. Don't tell your ex's new girlfriend, leave him alone now and find someone else to have a fwb with.

Nttttt · 31/01/2024 11:56

CrappySack · 31/01/2024 11:49

This. I'd definitely tell her. You're not friends with her, have no mutual friends and you don't have kids with the ex so nothing to be lost if she doesn't believe you or blames the messenger.

Are the people saying not to tell her cheats themselves?

Also wtf at some of these comments. As if a single woman having consensual sex is the same as a man cheating on his pregnant partner 🙄🙄

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Totally agree, I can’t believe people are scrutinising OP for having hook ups which she’s totally entitled to do as a single person but in the same breath telling her to not tell the pregnant girlfriend!

He is a total scumbag and we should all stick together in not accepting men’s behaviour when it’s like this. He is cheating and his partner deserves to know, OP can shag who she wants (she thought he was single!)

Nttttt · 31/01/2024 11:58

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 11:48

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

yeah, because when he denies it and rhe ex says this, and you’re pregnant, your go to is to beleive the ex. Sure. That’s how it works. She bins him off and then lives as a single parent. All on the word of the ex girfriend,

meanwhile back in the real world. He will tell her the ex is bitter, jealous, a liar, and she will beleive him.

OP has proof… messages and such.

BrandNewAndShiny · 31/01/2024 12:03

Are the people saying not to tell her cheats themselves?

Absolutely not in my case. I just think that this man will lie and very possibly convince his pregnant gf that OP is crazy and jealous and making it all up and she’ll end up with lots of shit because of this. Even if she can prove that she’s not lying, they might stay together and make lots of trouble for OP. I’ve seen it happen IRL, heard it lots of times on here where all the hatred is aimed at the person in OPs position. I would want no part in it and would protect myself from it by cutting him out of my life and saying nothing.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 31/01/2024 12:05

Yes, please tell her, she deserves not to be made a fool of and to be treated with respect. You didn't know he was j this relationship so ouve done nothing wrong (unless you continue to sleep with him). Tell her and don't have anything more to do with him.

5128gap · 31/01/2024 12:20

I'd tell her. You're having unprotected sex with him and with other guys, the other guys are probably also doing the same with other women, so thats quite a high sexual health risk. He's having unprotected sex with her while she's pregnant and passing that risk to her and the baby. I personally couldn't collude in keeping another woman in the dark about that.

JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 12:33

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 11:48

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

yeah, because when he denies it and rhe ex says this, and you’re pregnant, your go to is to beleive the ex. Sure. That’s how it works. She bins him off and then lives as a single parent. All on the word of the ex girfriend,

meanwhile back in the real world. He will tell her the ex is bitter, jealous, a liar, and she will beleive him.

That’s up to her, and is no skin of OP’s nose at that point- at least the girlfriend was provided with the information to make her choice.

Withholding that from her is, frankly, not much different to being a cheat and is disgustingly self-absorbed.

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 12:35

JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 12:33

That’s up to her, and is no skin of OP’s nose at that point- at least the girlfriend was provided with the information to make her choice.

Withholding that from her is, frankly, not much different to being a cheat and is disgustingly self-absorbed.

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Really? Plenty of people don’t wish to know. Forcing your way into someone’s relationship to tell them also is self absorbed, thinking you know best.

notthatthis · 31/01/2024 12:39

2024GarlicCloves · 30/01/2024 23:47

😂😂😂

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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

notthatthis · 31/01/2024 12:40

Yes tell her anonymously - what she does with that information is up to her.

JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 12:43

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 12:35

Really? Plenty of people don’t wish to know. Forcing your way into someone’s relationship to tell them also is self absorbed, thinking you know best.

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You think “plenty of people” are happy to be cheated on as long as they never find out? Really?

What you’re describing is effectively a form of open relationship. Most people believe they are in exclusive relationships and absolutely are not ok with being cheated on.

JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 12:45

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 12:35

Really? Plenty of people don’t wish to know. Forcing your way into someone’s relationship to tell them also is self absorbed, thinking you know best.

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This also prevents her from knowing about her own health- god knows what he could give her if he’s happy to cheat, and she’s none the wiser whilst having his child.

It is utter madness to pretend that you genuinely think she’d want to remain oblivious.

Caerulea · 31/01/2024 12:46

Nttttt · 31/01/2024 11:13

Seems I’m more of a girls girl than most of Mumsnet because yes I would tell her so we could both bin the loser. Women support women, not hiding secrets from each other so some slimeball can continue his bad behaviour.

I feel sad/scared/surprised that so many wouldn’t tell an innocent woman. She’s pregnant and potentially putting a baby at risk here if he’s sleeping around.

Hear bloody hear.

Men like this are scum & by keeping their secrets for them we become complicit.

BobbyBiscuits · 31/01/2024 12:48

I'm not sure it will necessarily paint you in a particularly good light. If I were you I would tell him to do one, and block him. I would never say anything to her unless she was a personal friend. Leave them to do what they want and find someone new who's actually single.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 31/01/2024 12:55

Tell her if you have the balls, then she can go forward with her eyes open, before dealing with a baby and a cheating partner. It gives the baby the most stable start to life and it means you arent sitting around wondering and waiting if you'll be dragged into the mess.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 31/01/2024 12:58

Telling her also gives her the chance to ask for an STI test. Some STIs can harm babies.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 31/01/2024 13:00

NotQuiteNorma · 31/01/2024 00:33

You've just had an abortion through another man. Perhaps give casual sex a rest for a while. It's not a form of contraception.

Rather than blowing her world apart just to get back at him why aren't you talking to him about this?

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You've just had an abortion through another man. Perhaps give casual sex a rest for a while. It's not a form of contraception.

Unnecessary.

PiIIock · 31/01/2024 13:03

Really? Plenty of people don’t wish to know. Forcing your way into someone’s relationship to tell them also is self absorbed, thinking you know best.

Sorry but what? Telling someone isn't about forcing them to leave, they can make whatever choice they want, which includes covering their ears.

Telling someone allows them to make that choice, or any choice they want

Assuming that someone doesn't want to know (why would you assume that?) is beyond unreasonable and moving into delusional territory. No reason to think that.