Should I tell her he's been sleeping with me

[Damaged27]

Changed name for this as its really outing. My ex and I have been sleeping together since we broke up kind of a fwb situation. Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever. However iv just found out, not from him that he has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year and she is a minimum of 12 weeks pregnant with his child. He has not said a word to me about this. Aibu to tell her or should I just walk away and let them have their little family.
Yabu. Don't tell her
Yanbu. Tell her what a cheating asshole she is with.

Can't believe the people saying don't tell her - what the hell? Can you imagine being this woman 5 years down the line, who looks back on her pregnancy as a happy time, only to find out her partner was having an affair behind her back? Tell her NOW so she can get away from this guy.
We don't want people to stay with shit partners because it's not good for the kids - I'm not saying he'd be a shit dad cos of an affair but it's not fucking great is it??? The beginning of a relationship is meant to be the best bit and he's snagging someone else, doesn't bode well for him remaining faithful to her when she's got a newborn. Give the poor woman a chance!

I’ve just woken up and that question made me so confused 🥸👽🤯🤣😂

On balance, I think you are right to tell her. She probably won’t believe you, and he will probably spin it as “my psycho ex”. But you can’t base your decisions on what you think the reaction will be. You can only do what you think is right.

If I was his girlfriend I would want to know.

He is a cheat and he will cheat on her again with someone else. Even the fact that she is pregnant has not stopped him.

Also she will need an STI test as her health could be at risk if everyone is having unprotected sex...

End it with him and then warn his partner then get on with your life.

A few things.

The judgement on this thread of the OP is so disgusting and disappointing. She’s really not done anything wrong and I’m flummoxed as to why she’s getting a hard time from the same people who seem to be glossing over what this man has done. He’s a shit.

OP, I doubt he’s going to tell you about his relationship or the baby on the way. It’s not in his best interests and let’s face it, that’s what is important to him.

I think his partner should know but you’re going through your own stuff right now and are you able to deal with any (undeserved) fallout that comes your way?

If i was the GF i'd want to know. I've been the GF and super glad i was told!

No brainer, i'd tell her.

Secondly he is in a relationship with this other woman as this is what it says on her Facebook.

Not necessarily. Has HE confirmed they are in a committed relationship? Maybe they have different views on what's going on and she's of the view that they're exclusive (hence her FB status) but he's not? If he's never communicated that to her (or indeed you), then in his mind maybe she's just a FWB like you were to him? Like I say, it's not really clear (unless he has confirmed that he regarded this as an exclusive relationship and he's admitted to cheating with you, of course).

Not trying to be funny, just genuinely think there's a lot that's open to interpretation here from all angles, including what the acceptable "conditions" of the FWB arrangement is / was (from all perspectives, yours, hers and his).

Of course he's shit but they were both using eachother for sex. It's a bit late in the day for making out OP is some sort of victim in this when it sounds like she wasn't exactly 'exclusive' herself if she was pregnant to another man. I don't think either come out of this looking great.

I think that some people haven't read your first post properly, so please or people who, for some reason, just want to stick the boot in. Don't take any of it to heart. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. And don't tell the other woman. That's their business. Stay out of it. And stay away from him.

Poor woman and I feel for you too OP.

Please tell her. It could save both her and the children years of heartache.

Why all the woman-shaming on this thread?

Seriously, op hasn't done anything wrong and who she sleeps with, how many men she sleeps with or doesn't sleep, is no one's effing business and has no bearing on the advice she's asked for.

Really low to bring up her recent medical history.

I'd want to know, but if she chooses not to do anything with that information that is her look out. At least you have told her.
And the judgement is unbelievable, are we still living in the 1950s. Women can have and enjoy casual sex too should they choose. Abortion shouldn't be used as contraception but this appears to have not been the case...accidents happen and the op took appropriate action.

What an unsafe mess.

I hope you are OK, OP?

Some risky choices here, some unsafe sex, some drunken sex, sex with an ex, sex after an abortion.

Do you know that your abortion was not due to sex with your ex?

As you've had sex with him without condoms at least sometimes, and have also had unprotected sex with another partner in the same time period, I think she has to be told because of the extra risk due to being pregnant. For health reasons.

I don’t feel there has been any judgement here. Just common sense being responsible for your own contraception particularly if you choose to have multiple partners. That poor girl may have had her health and that of her baby put at risk because of OP and her ex partner. So grim. We need to look after our health and that of others. Our behaviour has consequences.

Ugh, I don’t know how people on here are saying OP doesn’t have a part to play in this? This isn’t woman shaming, OP came on here asking for opinions.. there can’t be rules on one side and not rules for another! OP got pregnant by another man and had the baby aborted (her choice) but she then can’t be mad because she’s found out he’s in a relationship expecting a baby?

OP I would certainly tell her, she deserves the truth. All this sleeping around isn’t safe for you, him and now for her and her baby.. the risks of spreading STIS is serious, especially if she is pregnant, he clearly won’t be just having sex with you and her either there will be more

hes a shit.

please tell her.

I think for your own sake you need to extract yourself from all this drama and put him firmly in the past where he belongs. Telling her is just going to suck you in deeper. He won't take it well, she probably won't (no matter what you tell her your intentions are), and any mutual friends will be split between those who think you are reasonable and those who think you're being malicious.

Whatever you decide, at least be honest with yourself. If it's to be spiteful then own that, don't dress it up as doing right by her unless you genuinely believe that it is. Truth is, you don't know her well enough to know if she would want you to tell her or not. She's going to hate you regardless though I suspect. Most people trying to encourage you to tell her are probably just hoping to see "a cheating arsehole" get his comeuppance. They don't really care about her or you.

But I wasn't in a relationship with the other man if I had been in a relationship I would of ended the fwb. I don't cheat on other people.

@CrazyHedgehogLover agreed

I'd just tell him it's over now and to go and be a decent father and partner. I'd not tell her.

Meanwhile, I'm clearly not getting my quota so...anyone fancy a shag?

So you have been sleeping with him and other people and so has he, I personally would stay out if it, you both sound as bad as each other.

She's pregnant that's so messed up. At a time you really don't want to catch anything. He could also be sleeping with others too you don't know. If it's his baby, she may well not want to continue with the pregnancy if she had the truth rather than find out down the line when she also already has a kid and may think this is her family unit going forward in life.

Nah tell her. People saying don't would want to know if they were having this happen to them at such life changing moment in time.

Sure she could find out from you and not believe you, but will then maybe believe it the next time it happens, she could get angry but again have proof to back it up etc, she could also end the pregnancy and cut this guy off instead of waste years of her life with this creep.

I was cheated on for over a year no one told me and I tell you what I made so many life changing decisions based on my perception of what I thought was a great man and family unit with strong foundations. Women suffer the most when having kids with someone and it not working out. She may have this news from you and take a different path and thank you later.

I don’t think I would tell because it seems spiteful. But I would tell him that you know and is that really the kind of partner and father he wants to be?
If he can’t be a decent person and put a stop to the ‘relationship’ with you, then I think you should.
Don’t be that person.

She needs to know. So she can make decisions about her life based on as full a picture of events as possible.

It's a shitty position to be the one who is deceived. It's worse when you realise your friends/acquaintances probably knew/suspected, but none of them cared enough about you to treat you as an adult, capable of making decisions even in tough times. That it was easier for everyone to lie because you're not worth the truth, not worth giving the opportunity to decide to press a reset button.

But you tell out of kindness and compassion. Because you want to do the right thing.

So pause, sort out your motivation, and think about the most helpful course of action for the woman who is pregnant to him, and also for your own self in the longer term