Should I tell her he's been sleeping with me

[Damaged27]

Changed name for this as its really outing. My ex and I have been sleeping together since we broke up kind of a fwb situation. Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever. However iv just found out, not from him that he has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year and she is a minimum of 12 weeks pregnant with his child. He has not said a word to me about this. Aibu to tell her or should I just walk away and let them have their little family.
Yabu. Don't tell her
Yanbu. Tell her what a cheating asshole she is with.

Whilst I understand where you are coming from OP I would honestly leave it.

I had a fwb, I couldn’t have given a shit what he got up to in the rest of his time. He was an idiot but the sex was fab that’s all, hence why he was nothing more than a fwb. He’s friends with me on fb, he’s still an idiot, got married and had a child, now separated after only a couple of years and living in rented away from his child. His ex Wife looks lovely too.

Honestly keep out of it, he will just spin it that you’re mad. She will be having checks as part of her pregnancy anyway for sti’s. Maybe they will be happy together forever. Just bin him off though.

The OP sleeping with someone else is irrelevant.
He was in a relationship so he was therefore cheating.

She knows that they're in a relationship now, if they were in an open relationship or she let him sleep with others then there's no harm done in telling her.

Erring on the side of caution would be telling her in my opinion.

When it comes to someone's health being affected I think that has to be the deciding factor. She needs to be told.

What a super toxic shitshow.

Grow the hell up, all of you.

OP I assume you felt like you had equal control in the FWB arrangement, and you're angry because it turns out you didn't as you were being lied to (aka taken advantage of). Totally understandable, and totally understandable to want to regain some composure by letting this woman know the truth.

You aren't being petty or getting back at him by telling her. You're doing the moral thing. That takes backbone.

The problem is that they have been showing off their scan photo. She isn't likely to terminate now, despite what she finds out about him. Very likely she'll keep their baby no matter what.

The problem with not telling her is that it's very likely he will cheat on her again with someone else, and she is likely to find out and leave him, probably after her baby and other children are very attached to him. That's going to hurt them all way more.

You don't seem like a wuss. I'd just tell her, feel good about doing the right thing, and then move on with your life.

Oh that is really tricky. I can totally understand both arguments for telling her and not telling her.

Part of me thinks she absolutely needs to know but then he will of course just lie and make you the bad, bitter ex trying to cause trouble. So the other part of me would be tempted to just block him, move on and not have the drama. Do you have any proof/receipts you could send her if you decide to contact her?

Does the fact that it's 2024 make it acceptable?

What makes you think he'd share the information with you? You're not in a relationship. You're an occasional convenient shag. There's no commitment and no obligation to share personal information.

You'd only be telling her out of spite.
Keep your nose out of it.
Don't have a FWB relationship where you're clearly emotionally attached.

I would tell her.

I’d tell her very factually - thought you should know X has been sleeping with me since X date. The last time was X date. I’m not sure if I’m the only one so you might want to get STD tested. Don’t mention the pregnancy.

And send screenshots!!

If I was her, I'd want to know.

@MidnightSerenader you're aware it's possible to be furious at more than one person at once?

I don’t know why you are getting a hard time. You are single and can sleep with who you like. You had no issue with him sleeping with whoever too, but he’s now made you an affair without your knowledge. That’s a huge change of goalposts. You are right to be angry.

I think I’d read him the riot act, tell him he’s been an utter bastard and to behave himself in future, then let him carry on with his life.

Its not your responsibility.

It's pretty likely that the pregnant woman doesn't know her boyfriend is shagging around. Or if she already does know, OP wouldn't be doing her any harm by telling her something she already knows.

If she doesn't know, it's best that OP tells her so she knows what's going on in her own life.

Get your sexual health thoroughly checked out to be absolutely sure you are not compromising the pregnant woman's then, if all good, walk away from this sorry situation. You may harm her mental health whilst she's vulnerable if you tell her about your ex's actions. Let him deal with his own stuff, these things usually come out eventually.
And maybe reassess your own contraceptive methods (NOT judging, maybe yours failed) so there's no need for further abortions / risks for you.

Putting the responsibility where it lies - with the man at the heart of this shit show. It’s not up to the women to sort this out for the ‘men’ (using the term loosely)
Ifhe decides not to say anything, she can make further decisions as needed. But put the responsibility where it actually lies first

I agree with this.
Why should HE, the one who has caused the 'issue' not be the one to bring it to light? OP and the partner have done nothing wrong so why should the OP bear the burden of having to make the decision to do something HE should do? If he chooses not to, then the OP can do what she feels is best.

Yes, I believe she absolutely deserves to know and, honestly, I wouldn't care what bullshit he wanted to spin if he was forced to have that conversation with her. Because what matters is that she know that the person she is in a committed (to her) relationship with, has slept with someone else. There always feels like there IS an element of punishment, not concern when this kind of thing comes up. The 'punishment' should be HIM having to blow her world up, not the one being cheated with.

...being pregnant and finding out something like that is enough to cause a miscarriage
It's really not.

He could be shagging around loads and not just you, @Damaged27 which is why I'd want to know in her shoes. It doesn't have to be done in a nasty way although that's how she could take it, especially with being all hormonal and that. Still better to know than to bury her head in the sand.

Some people might not want know. If it was me, I'd want to know sooner rather than the slow dawning of reality later.

Just stop sleeping with him. She will find out for herself what a shithead he is.

I would leave it she is very vulnerable now

Some of these responses are insane - you should absolutely tell her. Factually and without emotion given you say you're not bothered re. him. But I would 100% want to know in her position, so I could make an informed decision. People are saying 'oh he'll paint you as angry and jealous' well if you're not bothered, who cares how he paints you? Tell her and she can make up her own mind. I think her being pregnant makes it even more important you do. These 'oh she's very vulnerable' are so deeply patronising.

That's all the more reason to tell her.

I'd tell him I know but not her. i wouldn't say anything because she is pregnant. Just feels really awful being pregnant and hearing shit like that and crying. I feel so bad for her. Just leave it for now and never ever engage with him again he is horrible for doing this.