Should I tell her he's been sleeping with me

[Damaged27]

Changed name for this as its really outing. My ex and I have been sleeping together since we broke up kind of a fwb situation. Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever. However iv just found out, not from him that he has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year and she is a minimum of 12 weeks pregnant with his child. He has not said a word to me about this. Aibu to tell her or should I just walk away and let them have their little family.
Yabu. Don't tell her
Yanbu. Tell her what a cheating asshole she is with.

This, a thousand times.

It is absolutely NOT the norm for people to be ok with their partner cheating as long as they don’t find out.

She has the right to know, so she can make an informed decision. She can stay if she wants- but she can at least be the one to make that decision, not OP or a load of strangers on mumsnet.

Agree with both of these. It's actually terrifying that women are saying a pregnant woman shouldn't know the father of her child has been cheating on her. It's so beyond horrific and could change the entire trajectory of her life.

I would tell her definitely.
I would want to know myself.

Then who place is it 🤔

You sound angry but don't take it out on her

She doesn't sound remotely angry.

And telling someone they're being cheated on is not "taking it out on them" it's giving them agency that someone taken from them.

@Damaged27

I can’t understand why so many posters are fixated on you having more than one sexual partner. You have said a million times you’re single - it wouldn’t matter if you’d slept with ten different people you’re single and you’ve done nothing wrong! I hope you’re recovering well from
the abortion. 💐

I don’t know how his partner will react, you might face backlash but I do think you would be doing the right thing telling her.

Yep, there are always these posters, it's mind blowing and inexplicable.

😂Yet another non-reader. So many of them.

I think her her sex life is very much her business. She is single and free to have sex with whomever she wants.

I read through her question and pretty sure she didn’t come here for your moral judgement. 🙄

Talk about a pile on! You were single and have had sex with more than one person when single and expected the people you have had relations with to have been honest when telling you they are also single….don’t understand all the confusion from posters.

If it was me I would cut my losses tell him I know and I’m not happy he lied to me, not to contact you again then block and move on x

OP you've done nothing wrong and you're not obliged to sort out his mess by telling his gf the truth.

I would absolutely want to know if I was in her position.

To ask that of a woman is quite League of Gentleman!

Edit: Scratch that. If you are Chedder Gorgeous, then you are quite League of Gentleman and that is awesome! 😂

I'd tell her.

I'd tell him you've found out and that he's got a couple of days to tell her what's been going on before you let her know your self.

You had multiple partners at the same time. Op didn’t.

I don’t judge you either. Some women like to have a lot of sex. So what?

Sounds like all of you would have trouble differenciating between a serious relationship than FWB's.

I mean it's all a bit of a free for all.

Personally I think this woman deserves to know what she's getting herself into. .

I don't get why you're angry.

You've been having amazing sex with each other.

You've both been having amazing sex with someone else as well.

Now it comes to an end. Look at it as an opportunity to have more amazing sex with people you have yet to meet.

Sounds a bit like sour grapes to try and spoil someone else's happiness just because you can't have him when it sounds like you didn't even want him that much.

The ethical thing is to tell her of course. Horrifying to be pregnant to a slutty man snd not know. She deserves all the information, and if she's fine with him being a sleazer, no worries.

He may have diseases so get yourself checked too.

She's pregnant - at the very least she needs to get tested. He had sex with you, you were sleeping with someone else who you were not in a relationship with, so chances are he wasn't being monogamous either. You probably should get tested too, tbh.

I'd be angry too if someone I was having sex with was using me to cheat when I thought he was single. I'd be more angry if it was ex who did it because I would expect more respect from him than to do that. It's a perfectly normal thing to be angry about.

As for spoiling someone elses happiness? Their relationship is not going to have a happy ending, he's a cheat. It's better that she knows now.

I think you could tell her or not tell her OP. There’s no right or wrong answer.

Personally I’d tell her because her catching an STI could damage both her and the baby. And I state that at my reason for telling her.

There’s so much pearl clutching on this thread about the abortion and casual sex. It’s 2024. Adults will adult!!!

Yes! This! I didn't find out about my ex husbands affairs until my twins were 6 weeks old. He was already on the birth certificates and even know he literally never sees them (the are 7 now) and I have begged him for years to be an active father in their lives, he still has control over many things. Like schools, religion (they want to be baptised but he refuses to allow it even know he's not seen them for the last 3 years and before that he saw them once a year at a push) bloody nightmare! If I had been told prior then yes it would've been devastating and hard but it would've given me the clarity before it was too late.

Best of luck xx

I think you'd be right to tell her @Damaged27 . Explain to her that you didn't know about her. She should know what he's like before she gets even deeper in, financially entangled with him, or marries this cheater etc.

See I would just say I'm better off without him and move on.

These are two adults who were both having sex with at least two and possibly more people. I'm happy with that. If I was younger I'd be jealous. Now I'm just thankful it's not me. But there is a lot of judgement going on when we don't actually know what anybody knows other than what the OP is telling us, and she probably doesn't know everything.

I would err on the side of caution, say nothing, and carry on bonking.