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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums, is this weird or am I being weird?

619 replies

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 30/01/2024 20:27

Hi, I don't know if neighbour is weird or if I'm just being silly?

I also don't have any children or huge experience with them. I asked a mom friend and think she is still laughing at me!!!

I don't know my neighbours well other than to wave and say hello in passing. I don't even know their names or they mine. I suspect they don't have family nearby.

This evening I get knock on the door. Male neighbour and his little girl. It's clear little girl (5/6) is a little upset. Mum is pregnant and due in 2 weeks and has been taken to hospital for observation. Don't have full story but iron & blood pressure issues.

The man has asked if I can do his daughter's hair every morning for school as he can't plait it. Little girl has gorgeous long hair she always wears in a plait. He can't plait it.

In awkwardness, I tried to show him how. I think he has bigger things on his mind as he didn't really want to learn, just wants me to do it. Anyway I have agreed to plait it every morning while mum is in hospital once his daughter is here at a certain time. What else could I say?

Is this normal and ok? Will the mum be ok with it? Should kids that age not be able to do it themselves? Could he not just put it in a ponytail?

Please tell me it's normal and I'm just overthinking it. I'm not usually awkward but this has thrown me for some reason. I don't know these people.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 31/01/2024 09:16

My first reaction was WTF but having read all your updates I think he was just stressed out and came up with this somewhat odd and cheeky solution.

It's lovely of you to do it, just be wary of being taken advantage of going forward. I'm sure her Mum will be super grateful and this could be the start of a great friendship!

Moonlightdust · 31/01/2024 09:16

Ahh you know what, this is typical of us Brits to think it’s weird to approach a neighbour but I bet in other cultures and countries it wouldn’t be. I expect the little girl was upset her mummy wasn’t there to do her hair how she likes it and daddy was hopeless. He probably is stressed with his wife being poorly and thought he’d ask someone they clearly deem as nice to help.
I can understand this scenario as my daughter who is a gymnast is very finicky about her hair being in a bun and when I went away earlier this year, she got in a bit of a state as my husband (despite showing him beforehand!) was useless! We had to ask another gym mum to do it!

CombatBarbie · 31/01/2024 09:24

Moonlightdust · 31/01/2024 09:16

Ahh you know what, this is typical of us Brits to think it’s weird to approach a neighbour but I bet in other cultures and countries it wouldn’t be. I expect the little girl was upset her mummy wasn’t there to do her hair how she likes it and daddy was hopeless. He probably is stressed with his wife being poorly and thought he’d ask someone they clearly deem as nice to help.
I can understand this scenario as my daughter who is a gymnast is very finicky about her hair being in a bun and when I went away earlier this year, she got in a bit of a state as my husband (despite showing him beforehand!) was useless! We had to ask another gym mum to do it!

Edited

But 30yrs ago it was the norm.... The whole saying about taking a village to raise a child etc. Now we are insular staunch feminists by the sounds of it 🙄

AnglepoisePond · 31/01/2024 09:25

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2024 09:09

It’s odd that for you the issue is whether the mother is aware of and happy about you being asked to plait her child’s hair — why is that the key thing for you here?

I'm guessing the OP was worried the mum on her return would ask "Why have you taken up plaiting my daughter's hair, you massive weirdo?" and then make this face😐when the OP tried to explain, and then the OP would be referred to forever as Plait Woman in the neighbour's house.

That's what I would have been worried about Grin.

That hadn’t occurred to me. Wouldn’t an equally obvious response have been to ask her DH why he couldn’t figure it out with the help of YouTube, and why he’d asked a neighbour to do it every day of her absence?

I mean, it would be a bit of a reach, and a pretty paranoid one, to think the next-door neighbour decided to ingratiate herself with your husband and child via offering hairstyling the second you got taken to hospital…?

BigPussyEnergy · 31/01/2024 09:27

AnglepoisePond · 30/01/2024 20:42

Deeply weird. Well, not so much weird as a combination of helpless and entitled.

’Hi, virtual stranger whose name I don’t even know, I’m so unashamed at my own incompetence at performing a basic daily childcare task for my child in the absence of my wife that I’m prepared to ask you to do it every single day, and I’m ignoring your demonstration because I don’t want to learn, I want you to do it.’

I agree with this, it’s lazy and sexist of him not to learn to do something so basic that would make his daughter happy at a tricky time.

Those saying it’s sweet and a little bit of normality/routine, how is having a stranger do her hair on the doorstep every morning rather than her dad using it as a way to spend a moment together “sweet” or in any way normal.

I used to go to my neighbours for babysitting after school when my parents were busy. I still would have found it very odd to go there in the mornings before school for something so personal while my mum was in hospital. My aunt did come and stay for a while and I didn’t even like her - my mum’s sister - being there, because she wasn’t my mum and she put carrots in the bolognese! The one moment when I felt really loved and supported was when I realised my dad had bought sanitary towels while out shopping, without me asking. And that little gesture of understanding what I needed, when he’d never had to consider it before, meant more than anything at such a difficult time.

This dad is missing a vital opportunity to bond with his DD at a crucial time for her. What a twat.

CaramelCarmen · 31/01/2024 09:35

Lovely of you to do it OP. Maybe the start of a lovely friendship with your neighbours. Sometimes absolutely taking something at face value is the right thing to do.

Flamme · 31/01/2024 09:35

I'm glad it's sorted. It just sounded to me like a stressed out dad trying to keep his small daughter happy, so it's great that you've achieved that. This could be a great chance to get to know them better, they sound like nice neighbours.

LenaLamont · 31/01/2024 09:43

It think it came from the little girl. The dad had tried and did a poor job, she told you, and you said she was upset.

I bet she said “the lady with the nice long hair in the elevator had plaits, can she do it?” and the poor stressed bugger agreed in desperation to ask.

He must be worried sick about his wife and baby while keeping things as normal as possible for his little girl.

I’m glad you were able to help. You sound a lovely neighbour.

MyselfYouselfMeYou · 31/01/2024 10:19

I think that it's a nice thing to do and I'd have been delighted to have been asked.

I'm wondering if any of the posters who think the man is a selfish lazy sexist misanthrope have ever had a puncture and have asked someone to change their tyre.

Original poster
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 31/01/2024 10:20

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2024 09:09

It’s odd that for you the issue is whether the mother is aware of and happy about you being asked to plait her child’s hair — why is that the key thing for you here?

I'm guessing the OP was worried the mum on her return would ask "Why have you taken up plaiting my daughter's hair, you massive weirdo?" and then make this face😐when the OP tried to explain, and then the OP would be referred to forever as Plait Woman in the neighbour's house.

That's what I would have been worried about Grin.

Exactly this. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 31/01/2024 11:20

CombatBarbie · 31/01/2024 09:24

But 30yrs ago it was the norm.... The whole saying about taking a village to raise a child etc. Now we are insular staunch feminists by the sounds of it 🙄

Show quote history

In what way is being a feminist anti community or in conflict with the village raising a child ethos?

Dacadactyl · 31/01/2024 12:06

@Bex5490 have you read the whole thread?

Hmmmmaybe · 31/01/2024 12:20

@Dacadactyl the whole thread is that the village includes men as well as women

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/01/2024 12:56

MyselfYouselfMeYou · 31/01/2024 10:19

I think that it's a nice thing to do and I'd have been delighted to have been asked.

I'm wondering if any of the posters who think the man is a selfish lazy sexist misanthrope have ever had a puncture and have asked someone to change their tyre.

No. I can change my own tyre.

BrandNewAndShiny · 31/01/2024 13:11

So this girl now thinks dads can’t do hair as well as having been brought up to think that looking pretty and having perfect hair is important. She’s only 5/6. Poor kid. Some parents are really shit.

Bex5490 · 31/01/2024 14:21

Dacadactyl · 31/01/2024 12:06

@Bex5490 have you read the whole thread?

No just OP’s posts. I am a feminist and very much believe in a village raising a child but I’ll read back over the thread in more detail 😊

Katela18 · 31/01/2024 16:15

It is a bit weird but maybe Mum always does it in plaits and with all the other upheaval in her life maybe it's comforting for her to continue with that?

I'd very much doubt a child that age could do plaits. My little girl is 4 and she can't although so insists on them every day!

If you are able to, I'd just do it xx

Onabench · 31/01/2024 16:18

The dad is a moron and it is sad he can’t meet his own child’s basic needs to start with.

You are very kind.

Crunchymum · 31/01/2024 16:21

I reckon you are being lined up as childcare for when the mother has the baby @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

You and the DC with the beautifully plaited hair will be besties by then, so no qualms leaving her with a "stranger" 😮

SwankyPants · 31/01/2024 16:27

I missed OPs update

I don't think it's weird. He needs help with her hair and probably has no one else to ask.
Maybe the wife suggested asking you.
What's wrong with helping a neighbour out?

superplumb · 31/01/2024 16:35

Bit weird. He could learn himself but I guess there may be other stresses going on. Maybe the little girl has issues and only wants her hair in a plait and the dad couldn't manage the extra stress if a meltdown. Having said all this,my mum couldn't plait my hair either sometimes my neighbour did it for me but the neighbour and my mum knew each other.

Maybe the dad tried and the little girl hated it??
I think its lovely that yourre doing it

Edit. I should add I'd have no fuckikg idea on how to change a tyre ( hangs head in shame).

YouAndMeAndThem · 31/01/2024 16:54

That is ridiculous. I was admitted for 14 days overall when I was pregnant then after I had my son and my husband did just fine looking after our daughter, fed her well, made sure she was clean and smart for nursery, did her hair and kept her busy to keep her mind off her Mummy in hospital!! Absolute nonsense that he can't learn to plait hair!!!! It's learned incompetence and it's really quite sickening.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2024 17:01

He's a bit useless. He's also a bit shameless to farm this out to the nearest handy woman. I wonder is he that useless when it comes to nappies, bathing a baby, etc?

However, I'd have agreed to do it, only so that the little girl could feel her life wasn't in turmoil while her mum couldn't be there.

I'd definitely go and knock on their door this weekend though, and teach him the manly art of plaiting. It's not complicated.

His daughter would benefit from having a parent she knows to be competent in taking care of her.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2024 17:02

AnglepoisePond · 30/01/2024 20:42

Deeply weird. Well, not so much weird as a combination of helpless and entitled.

’Hi, virtual stranger whose name I don’t even know, I’m so unashamed at my own incompetence at performing a basic daily childcare task for my child in the absence of my wife that I’m prepared to ask you to do it every single day, and I’m ignoring your demonstration because I don’t want to learn, I want you to do it.’

Yes to this.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2024 17:12

@MyselfYouselfMeYou

I've had a puncture.

I drove the car with the punctured tyre very slowly to the nearest garage where they do repairs and told the man at the desk with the pencil stuck behind his ear what had happened and what needed doing.

When the repair was done (they extracted the nail and patched the tyre, then inflated the rest of the tyres to specs) I paid them what I owed them, and that amount included the time and labour as well as the cost of the glue and the patch, because men tend to value their labour and their time in monetary terms.

They tend to completely devalue or undervalue the time and labour of women performing traditional female labour, to the point where traditional women's labour in teaching and nursing were often considered to be "vocations", and women could be paid less than the men working alongside them in mills, factories, etc.