MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

That's pretty illogical. Unless she has some condition which it is known will shorten her life, the chances are that she will be around for another 20 years at least. Are your parents supposed to wait till the children are adults? How can she guarantee that they will actually outlive her? Being younger is no guarantee of living longer.

She might be a horrible old shrew, she might be a heartbroken older woman who is facing a bitter reality of living her remaining years not surrounded by family as probably most of us envision.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to want to live closer to your family, it’s completely understandable. But why are your emotions about this real and valid (a ‘breakdown’ with your husband) and hers emotional blackmail, manipulation and unreasonable? Why is the distance away from your family so hard that you feel separate from them and the absence is hard for you and your parents but ‘really not so bad’ for her?

All the fears and worries and sense of loss you have felt is what she’s facing. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shift or that she’s handling it well or even reasonably but I think it would be kind of you to see that her emotions are exactly the ones you have felt - just the flip side of the coin. She’s not unreasonable to feel as she’s feeling (you’ve felt the same way) try and be a bit more understanding of that. And I hope she in turn tries to handle the situation with a bit more grace and shows some appreciation of your situation and the sacrifices you have made.

At your MiLs age, visiting you say for a week in school holidays is a realistic option, be it with FIL or not. Kent to Hampshire can even be done by train without having to negotiate the Underground.

Hampshire... so really not so bad

So you're still down South, so not far at all!

Hampshire is lovely, really pretty villages and rolling countryside.....Lucky you! (misses point)

please pay attention to this wise advice OP
have a spare bedroom by all means but make sure it doubles as an office/hobby room and isn't too comfortable

Tell her her behaviour is making you want to move faster ! Wow what an entitle woman . Just keep strong and it’s your husband keep together . She will get the message that her emotional blackmail is not ok

Surely the response is that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed?

Like anyone of you could be gone in the next 5 mins.. sorry to be so morbid

Totally agree! My family would feel so shattered and heartbroken if we moved away with DC. Your children are a massive part of their lives, as encouraged by you and DH. Give her a chance. At least she's been honest. Also you can't blame her for your decision to live in Kent! Absolutely ridiculous OP!

Such a stupid way if looking at things. My mother died at 54 and did not meet her grandchildren. I hope your dp live to a ripe old age, but nobody can predict how long anyone has.

Why? Op wants to go home.

YANBU. Who locks themselves in their bedroom crying except kids?

Your MIL has no right to tell you where you can and can't live.
Make the move.
She'll get over it.

Mrs Bennett from Pride and Predjudice?

Just be matter of fact. It’s a done deal. She’ll have to come to terms with it. What’s the alternative for her?

@SheGotACamouflagedFace

"she might be a heartbroken older woman who is facing a bitter reality of living her remaining years not surrounded by family as probably most of us envision."

OP has said that most of MIL's family lives around her, whereas OP's parents have nobody other than her Nan nearby. Try reading the OP's posts rather than making things up

With the benefit of hindsight, I really regret moving 'far' from in laws.
It's something that causes me sorrow even now.
Sadly they have both passed away now.

We moved to be able to afford a house, but I know their pain was deep.

I knew of an adult daughter {a relative of a friend} who emigrated to Australia, her mother never said anything, but was like a wraith when her daughter left.

When the Mother died, the greedy daughter was back to sell the house and get the inheritance.

It would have been great if the mother had left it to a charity instead.

Woman dear live your own life. She has lived and controlled others for far too long.
GO!

Even at the most southern point of Hampshire, it’s only 1.5hrs to central London by train. She needs to pull herself together. Her manipulative histrionics are bullshit, and will have the opposite effect. Behaving like that is peak selfishness.

She'll get used to it. You go where you think you'll be happiest.

I think in your shoes I would sit her down and tell her bluntly that the more fuss she makes about the move, the less likely you are to want to come and visit, so if she wants to see you after the move, she needs to accept that this is your life, she's had most of hers, and if she doesn't want to end up a lonely old lady, then she needs to sort herself out!

My MIL is also nuts. Just move!

Absolute emotional blackmail!

This is emotional blackmail. Just ignore her and move. Feel no guilt. You will regret it otherwise. There are stuff I didn't do when younger due to emotional blackmail from parents (not moving away, other stuff) and I bitterly regret it now that I no longer have the chance to do them.

Tell her to dry her eyes and get on that train timetable, travelling cross country to lend a hand with childcare will be sure to take her mind off her troubles. Plus, if it’s up north you’re headed, she can probably afford to buy a little investment property. Winner winner chicken dinner, as they say.