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Original poster

MIL crisis - moving away

336 replies

AnonRR · 30/01/2024 15:55

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

OP posts:
MysteriousInspector · 30/01/2024 19:31

Taking your posts all together, it looks like you, and your MIL's family, have been tiptoeing round her all your lives/from when you married DH.

My DF was lovely, but was a sulker - or sometimes an exploder - and we all tiptoed round him. Not healthy, really.

It is your life you are living, not hers. And she's not old if she's not even 70 yet!

Workingitout1 · 30/01/2024 19:31

Been there although a different situation.

With hindsight, I can see I was seen as the first in the family to ‘rock the boat’ - her mother lived with her, all family live close etc. She just never thought of it being any other way.

My family are spread out/ my family support independence/ own life choices etc. Just as she didn’t assume any other way to what she had known, I had never thought that others wouldn’t do anything but support us in making what we thought were the best choices for us without too much consideration of others.

it caused a rift. She behaved badly as she was emotional and tried to do anything to get us to toe the line. I rebelled against anyone trying to put restrictions on me or manipulate us. I’m deeply sorry we couldn’t understand each other better and find a kinder way forward at the time. We get on now, but are both wary.

she looks after your DD one day a week. That is a major bond, it’s going to be heartbreaking to lose that. It doesn’t mean you can’t go, and it doesn’t mean it’s ok to put pressure on you and your DH and behave badly. But please if you can try to keep some compassion here. Even when she’s irritating you.

I hope you find the best way forward. I hope if you move that it does bring you all that you need.

Differentstarts · 30/01/2024 19:33

Does she have a partner or anyone else in her life? Does she struggle with mental illness. Is she able to drive. I do genuinely feel for her as I have bpd and struggle badly with abandonment issues. Although you are doing nothing wrong and shouldn't feel guilty for it. If you wanna help make it easier for her to accept, make a plan say for e.g we will visit you once a month and maybe throw Christmas in there to sweeten the deal.

telestrations · 30/01/2024 19:33

MIL should not be emotionally manipulating and controlling not only her family but their families as well, and everyone enabling it. If the OPs DH behaved like this he's be accused of abuse.

But that's not going to happen so the only other option is to put two hours between you.

You could attempt to satisfy her with promises of a guest room, nights over, lifts, days out etc. but I doubt it will bring any change in her behaviour, may even make it worse as it's being rewarded, and you'll still have to do it.

ScribblingPixie · 30/01/2024 19:41

Just get on with it, OP. You're only moving 2hrs away. It's a change but it'll be fine. You're obviously not in the best place yourself, so try not to let your MIL's upset get to you. Maybe ask your DH to deal with her and not pass on to you every remark she makes. He's not helping by doing that.

Roastiesarethebestbit · 30/01/2024 19:45

I know she’s being melodramatic and self centred, but she is grieving and I think
you need to have some sympathy. Your move is exciting for you and your dh and dd, but her life is about to change for the worse.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2024 19:53

The manipulation is not OK. She can be absolutely gutted as I think most grandparents would be but he behaviour is not ok

HettyMeg · 30/01/2024 20:00

If she ruins her relationship with you over this it is on her, not you. You and your DH are doing nothing wrong, you are living your life the way you want to. It is absolutely nothing to do with her. She has every right to feel sad about it but she has no right to guilt-trip and use emotional blackmail. So many parents have to deal with adult children moving much further away than that, does she think she's the only one? Also as others have said, do not shoulder the burden on this - she's not your mother.

AnglepoisePond · 30/01/2024 20:00

Roastiesarethebestbit · 30/01/2024 19:45

I know she’s being melodramatic and self centred, but she is grieving and I think
you need to have some sympathy. Your move is exciting for you and your dh and dd, but her life is about to change for the worse.

Honestly, I think both the OP and her DH have been doing far too much tiptoeing around her feelings, if it’s true they’ve wanted to move away for years but been ‘afraid to broach it.’. Obviously she’s sad, which is understandable, but her DS and DIL are going to be far more sympathetic if she acknowledges it’s unusual for people to have their adult children living round the corner, and unreasonable to expect it. Most of my friends had our children in different countries to our parents, sometimes on different continents! I can’t fathom any one thinking they get a veto on where their adult children live.

TheFifthTellytubby · 30/01/2024 20:06

VoleChomper · 30/01/2024 17:06

"Can't you just wait until I die?"

I'd be tempted to get my diary out and ask her to confirm a date.

But I wouldn't as that would be immature. Boo.

Just spat my wine out... 😂

Seriously, though - if you stay, you'll only end up resenting her so just ignore and get on with your move. There's no reason why she shouldn't see DGCs regularly, unless of course she carries on like this...

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2024 20:07

Hold on you are moving from Kent to Hampshire that is not a huge move of distance. My parents moved to south london/Surrey (not a million miles from Bromley where I assume you are) from Hampshire and we have been doing day trips to Stubbington (where I am from) for years. It’s fine it is not like it is Australia

PurpleOrchid42 · 30/01/2024 20:10

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 30/01/2024 16:25

Why do you feel obligated to help her get to grips with your choice?

She's a grown woman, trying to manipulate you for her own benefit. Just let it go. She can clearly look after herself.

This.

TeenLifeMum · 30/01/2024 20:10

My parents live 1.5 hours away… after moving closer to us 😂. That’s just a commute 🤷🏻‍♀️

Namechangedjustincase1 · 30/01/2024 20:10

@AnonRR I actually could have written your post, I've just been through an almost identical situation but my partner is you in this situation. Lived near my family as this is where we met but DH always wanted to move back to his home town which is 2-3 hours drive. Had DC and decided to move, DM was aware throughout our entire relationship this was on the cards (even knew the year we would be moving) so when we told her she shouldn't have been surprised. She behaved appallingly, even at one point tried to sabotage our house sale but that's a whole other story. Just posted to say I know how you feel and I sympathise with your situation, I have no advice unfortunately as our situation hasn't resolved, DM is trying to pretend nothing has happened since the move as she does not apologise for anything but the damage is done in our case so things won't ever go back to how they were. Prior to this everyone got on fine, not super close but no issues and she has ruined it by being selfish. I hope your MIL doesn't do anything to cause any major issues and I understand it must be sad when your children move away, but it is completely unreasonable to act like this and it is selfish too. Good luck with your move and hope things go well for you 😊

Justhadacurry · 30/01/2024 20:29

https://poets.org/poem/children-1

On Children

Kahlil Gibran1883 –
1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

https://poets.org/poem/children-1

littlefireseverywhere · 30/01/2024 20:39

You sound like me quite a few years ago. We moved out so we could bring our children up, not too far from my parents were about 30 minutes away. We purposely moved to County that has no grammar schools but very good school choices. When we announced we were moving MIL didn’t talk to us for three weeks.

She then came round to the idea and has enjoyed lots of weekends away up here for years. Now she’s a bit older, she doesn’t come up as often but because she lives in London, we see her quite frequently.

tkwal · 30/01/2024 20:47

Maybe I've watched too much escape to the country....you could suggest buying a new place with a granny annexe just for her....I reckon(hope) she wouldn't take you up on it ....or would that be playing with fire 🔥

semideponent · 30/01/2024 20:50

"Family" may be the concept that protects her real difficulties in facing separation. She's lucky to have you and your ability to see her good qualities.

I think she needs reassurance on two fronts:

  • sticking with the decision that's right for you (reassurance that you believe she can face this, come round and continue to have a relationship)
  • reassurance about when and how she will see you all once you've moved (think carefully, don't offer what you can't, important thing is something she can count on)
and maybe some support figuring out what she might like to do nearer to her home in the time that's freed up - but this might need to come from someone else, or you risk getting caught in the guilt trip of "there's nothing".
BlueGrey1 · 30/01/2024 20:55

Would there be good public transport between the two areas, ie a train for when MIL / FIL get older and may not want to drive

WonderingWanda · 30/01/2024 21:04

Just do it, when she realises she isn't going to get her own way she will change her tune and get on with it. People like this are quite manipulative.

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 30/01/2024 21:05

She is an awful person for doing that. Truly awful. You do not emotionally blackmail your children that way.

Lianna077 · 30/01/2024 21:16

BorgQueen · 30/01/2024 16:04

She doesn’t sound ‘nuts’,
she sounds absolutely bereft, she must have a close bond with her Grandaughter if she has her one day a week.
I would be devastated if my DD decided to move a couple of hours away with my Grandson, I have him before and after school 4 days a week, after having him every week day from 9 months to 2 years.

She’ll get over it but give her a bit of bloody time and sympathy ffs.

This

penjil · 30/01/2024 21:21

If you're moving back to your family home town, and it's only going to be 1.5 to 2 hours away, surely staying in/near Kent isn't that bad?! It's not like you're THAT far away.....for you or your MIL.

Greenpolkadot · 30/01/2024 21:22

Get your big pants and your tin hat op and ignore her
As you have said..she has form for this. Your life is for you to live..not to live the way that suits her
And your very blessed to have an understanding DH.

FridayNightSupper · 30/01/2024 21:35

This happened in my family.

An aunt behaved quite appallingly when her son moved away with ‘her’ grandchildren. I felt some pity for her but the emotional manipulation was off the charts.

Though they later reconciled she must have never really forgiven it.

There was a huge drama after she died, when he found out he and his children were completely cut out of the will and she had left everything to ‘her real family who had always been there’ (the dc and grandchildren that lived nearby).

It split the family between those that thought she was bitter and awful, and those that said he shouldn’t have been surprised as he hadn’t been around as much anymore.