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AIBU?

How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

142 replies

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 02:55

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1304 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
94%
You are NOT being unreasonable
6%
Duckingfun · 30/01/2024 03:00

You’re going to push him away if you keep bringing it up.
He went on a date with someone else before he was officially with you, he obviously didn’t know things would go so fast with you. You’ve been through his phone even checking how long it took him to reply and dissected it all, what are you hoping for?

HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 03:02

YABU, you had only been on 2 dates when he went on the other date. And you asked him MONTHS later if he was dating anyone else, so he may not have connected the two things by that time.

You do sound a bit controlling, I can see why he’s upset at you constantly bringing it up.

Imagine if a bloke kept asking a woman who she had dated, it’s quite controlling.

theGooHasGone · 30/01/2024 03:04

Think about it in reverse. How would you feel if every time you mentioned this, he called you out for snooping through his phone? Or how about if you apologised and he accepted it, then at some random point in the future he suddenly brings it up again and says that he's not over you going though his phone at all and he doesn't see why you did it. How would that make you feel?

Get over it.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 30/01/2024 03:05

He didn't know you, didn't know he would fall in love with you and he did like you as much.. you are together!

Orio2023 · 30/01/2024 03:05

Something made you snoop. What was it?

You're not ok with him lying and going on that date. And I wouldn’t be either. But I’d have got rid of him at that point.

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

OP posts:
HussellRobbs · 30/01/2024 03:09

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

But you had only been on TWO DATES!! And you asked him MONTHS later.

I’m feeling so sorry for this bloke

RLmadmum · 30/01/2024 03:17

Gently, you need to stop pushing this or you will push him away. He's committed to you, leave the past where it belongs.

Duckingfun · 30/01/2024 03:22

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

Ok so it’s been 18 months.
he explained why he didn’t mention it.
what’s your problem?

StellaLaBella · 30/01/2024 03:35

If he has any sense, he's currently running for the hills... 🚩 Not just because this is a completely inappropriate response to what actually happened, but more so because you found out about it by going through his private correspondences.

Might be best to park this relationship, do some work on yourself and then reconsider dating. It's not supposed to be this hard, this early.

Justkeeepswimming · 30/01/2024 03:37

You need to reconcile yourself with this.

Everyone in the beginning of dating is vulnerable, unsure, there is no commitment, options are open.

Feelings are only developing and some will test out things with another person because either they are insecure that the first person they are interested in won’t want them long term, or they haven’t got confidence in the relationship yet or they want to test the strength of feeling for the first person.

All perfectly reasonable though it would be nice to think that people only date one person at a time, keeping options open until you’re in a committed relationship is pretty common.

You are in a committed relationship now. Your boyfriend’s explanations sound reasonable. Please don’t ruin it for yourself.

You can put your energy into ruminating and alienating him from you.

Or you can seek to focus on enjoying your relationship and planning fun things together and bonding.

It’s completely up to you.

WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 03:42

If you think like this and not work on it you will always have issues with yourself, you cant blame other people for that and stop snooping it is rude no matter how you try and justify it

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 03:47

YAB totally U!

I'd end it if I was him, that level of snooping and lack of respect is not for me.

It was after two dates... how many days was that into your relationship?

MeinKraft · 30/01/2024 03:50

Wow. Looking through his old phone and keeping on and on about something he'd done months ago when he's only met you twice (!) is not ok. This is the thin end of the wedge too. Does be go on nights out without you? Do you spend the whole time panicking that he's going to cheat on you?

doilooklikeicare · 30/01/2024 03:52

Orio2023 · 30/01/2024 03:05

Something made you snoop. What was it?

You're not ok with him lying and going on that date. And I wouldn’t be either. But I’d have got rid of him at that point.

Because of a one off date after you'd only been on two?

I think the reason OP snooped is because she's extremely controlling and her DH should've ended it when she admitted the snooping.

That's what I would've done if I was him.

I really wouldn't be comfortable being with someone I can't trust not to go through my phone, emails etc.

WaltzingWaters · 30/01/2024 04:00

If you want this relationship to work you really need to let this go now. You had only been on two dates and he stopped talking to her soon after, it would be different if you were several dates in.

Did you guys meet through dating apps? I think dating is a bit different these days in that you start talking to several people through dating apps at once so if you have a couple people you seem to get on with you may want to make sure it’s going well before calling it off with another. Obviously there are limits there to what’s okay, but it doesn’t really sound as though he’s crossed that when you were only two dates in.

Time to move past this, or you’ll always go back to it and it’ll ruin things for your relationship. To be honest, if I were him, I think it would already be over as you obviously don’t trust him and sound rather controlling.

HappiestSleeping · 30/01/2024 04:09

StellaLaBella · 30/01/2024 03:35

If he has any sense, he's currently running for the hills... 🚩 Not just because this is a completely inappropriate response to what actually happened, but more so because you found out about it by going through his private correspondences.

Might be best to park this relationship, do some work on yourself and then reconsider dating. It's not supposed to be this hard, this early.

This 👆

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 04:12

I wouldn't be worried about him having seen other people before you were exclusive. But he said his immediate reaction was to lie to you because he didn't know how you would react. I would find that more worrying in the long term. You now know he's a convincing liar when it suits him.

BarbieDangerous · 30/01/2024 04:20

You sound like a lunatic

HappiestSleeping · 30/01/2024 04:24

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 04:12

I wouldn't be worried about him having seen other people before you were exclusive. But he said his immediate reaction was to lie to you because he didn't know how you would react. I would find that more worrying in the long term. You now know he's a convincing liar when it suits him.

Maybe he'd already seen signs that the OP has issues and panicked?

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 04:26

That's very possible. But I'm always wary of people whose first instinct is to lie to make themselves feel more comfortable.

In this case it may well not be a deal breaker for me, though, as it all seems a bit of a mess.

HappiestSleeping · 30/01/2024 04:38

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 04:26

That's very possible. But I'm always wary of people whose first instinct is to lie to make themselves feel more comfortable.

In this case it may well not be a deal breaker for me, though, as it all seems a bit of a mess.

I can see that, especially as there was no reason to lie. I agree with a previous poster that after the amount of elapsed time, and that he went on one date after only having been on two with the OP, that he probably didn't connect the two events. In his head, at the time he was asked, he wasn't dating anyone else. Dating would imply multiple dates, not a one off event.

renthead · 30/01/2024 04:40

I wouldn't be worried about him having seen other people before you were exclusive. But he said his immediate reaction was to lie to you because he didn't know how you would react. I would find that more worrying in the long term. You now know he's a convincing liar when it suits him.

I see what he did as being more about the OP, like her boyfriend already knew what sort of reaction she would have. And if so, he has certainly been proven right.

OP, you are being a complete loon about this, and if you don't cut this shit out you are going to lose this relationship.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/01/2024 04:41

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 04:12

I wouldn't be worried about him having seen other people before you were exclusive. But he said his immediate reaction was to lie to you because he didn't know how you would react. I would find that more worrying in the long term. You now know he's a convincing liar when it suits him.

So not more concerning that he's worried about what she'll do in her reaction?
Thought we'd moved on from 'look what you made me do'?
Agree with pp, that op had gone and searched out his old phone, plugged it in charged it up, turned it on (so she must know his unlock code) and gone searching through it is much more scary!

ZekeZeke · 30/01/2024 05:03

You are the red flag here OP.
I would be telling him to run a mile.

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