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Original poster

How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

142 replies

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 02:55

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 30/01/2024 09:28

Poor guy. If he did this to you the advice would be to leave him. You need to let it go or let him go...it's unfair you bringing it up. You only been on two dates.

MeinKraft · 30/01/2024 09:47

'I love this advice. 'Don't ruin your relationship - start knitting instead!'

How about a spa day Grin

Tattletwat · 30/01/2024 10:02

When people are dating especially when it's one of two dates in, it's acceptable to date other people, because one of all of these relationships could fizzle out at any time like the one with the other woman did.

You need to look into why you care so much it's a tiny footnote in his history.

Cactusprick · 30/01/2024 10:07

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

I think you need to let him go.
It’s not fair on him that you can’t let it go. You posted on here to ask for advice and support but you aren’t taking it.
You can’t expect him to have been exclusive and solely dating you 1 or 2 dates in. No wonder he didn’t tell you, your reaction is quite over the top!
do him a favour and let him go, save him the aggro.

Cactusprick · 30/01/2024 10:08

YouJustDoYou · 30/01/2024 07:14

Oh my god woman. YOU'RE the red flag.

This!

WhoIsnt · 30/01/2024 10:10

It's very hard - I understand why you feel wounded because you're now in a committed relationship with him and it feels like the him of 'now' has cheated on you -

But, kindly, he didn't know you at this point. He didn't know you were going to be his person, he didn't really know your personality at all and definitely not enough to know he wanted to commit to you (which is honestly sensible, I'd say about 4-5 dates at least to know that). Where you are now is a world apart from when you had just met.

Him going on that date in NO way reflects how he feels now, and surely that's what's important? Now, he has chosen you and he's not going on any other dates.

WhoIsnt · 30/01/2024 10:12

Also - you can't control someone into loving you. They either do, or they don't. So each time you are about to bring it up, maybe think to yourself 'is he an adult human with agency who is entitled to make his own decisions'...

TheEverlovingFork · 30/01/2024 10:13

"How can you 'just snoop' OP, did you trip , fall over the phone, and unlock it with your nose leading to the messages automatically popping up?
Neither would I have the gall to have the moral high ground after I'd done that. It's you who have broken his trust not the other way around."

This! How can you possibly whinge at him about your jealousies when you've breached his privacy like that?

You really must do the work on why you're paranoid like this.

jolota · 30/01/2024 10:27

It's definitely difficult; I was in a similar position with my boyfriend.
We met on a dating app, had 4 dates in the space on 2 weeks and in between date 2 & 3, he went on a date with someone else. He asked to be exclusive on date 4.
So technically he wasn't in the wrong, and I went on a date with someone else between date 1 & 2, but I told him about it in discussions of being exclusive, and he didn't tell me.
It's the lying/withholding information that I had trouble with; I also found out in a similar way to you, after dating him exclusively for over a year, I used his phone for something and noticed a message that just caught my attention and I couldn't help looking and realised the timing.
He was really apologetic about lying and said that he already knew he wanted to be exclusive with me but felt that he needed to check by going on a date with someone else. Which I don't love as a concept.
But we had a strong foundation by then and I felt confident that he hadn't done anything else like that since. But it was hard not to let it get to me for a while.
I asked a few more questions about it, but had a similar response as from your partner, it wasn't important, it's so long ago, etc
I think you have to decide if you trust him completely? I personally think trust is essential in a relationship. If it's broken and you can't move past it and forgive him, then the relationship isn't going to feel right any longer. If you feel he's apologised sincerely then I think it's unfair to him to keep bringing it up and it's not healthy for your relationship.
I've now been married to him for 7 years, and I trust him completely. So it doesn't have to be the end.

WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo · 30/01/2024 10:43

I think what you've done is significantly worse. No one owes loyalty and wholehearted commitment to someone they've been on two dates with. You were practically a stranger to him at that point.

Whereas now, you're in a serious, committed relationship and you chose to breach his trust and privacy by going through his phone because of pure nosiness.

And now you've had the cheek to confront him about it. Not only that, but to keep going on and on about it to the point he has to tell you you're making him uncomfortable.

The least you could do at this point is stop throwing it in his face.

ACynicalDad · 30/01/2024 10:46

I'm pretty sure my wife did this, but I can't remember the details it was a long time ago now; if he had did this six months in, I'd be gutted but he didn't; just let it go, and it would fade into the distance.

Hereforaglance · 30/01/2024 20:20

If he snooped on ur old phone would you be happy if he kept throwing stuff in your face thst he found would you be happy
If the answervis yes carry on
If answervis no end it put the poor man out of hos misery
You are in the wrong and you are controlling and you are out of order
He should run a mile poor guy

Hatty65 · 30/01/2024 20:27

He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

You stop bringing it up by acknowledging that he is correct. It is unfair. It was dealt with. You don't 'have to ask questions' - you have to let it go. Honestly, as others have said, you are the red flag. You will drive him away.

If I were him I'd have dumped you already and moved on, because this is awful behaviour from you. Think about how you'll feel if you bring it up one more time and he says, 'Do you know what? I'm done. You can fuck off now, cos I've had enough of you'.

Is that a strong enough reason to never mention it again?

Bluebellsparklypant · 30/01/2024 20:31

OP I think youve had some harsh responses here.

you looked on his phone that’s done now you can’t un read what you saw. I would have been upset he lied and convincingly at that.
Only you can call your next move now, you either have to put this to bed in your own mind or you don’t , as if you keep being it up over & over then this will erode your relationship. Also his seen your response at being lied to (rightly or wrongly) so i would assume he would be less likely to be open & honest with you in the future,

seasaltbarbie · 30/01/2024 21:07

I would feel really really uncomfortable if my partner snooped through old messages of mines, on an old phone at that, it can’t of still of had charge in it so you must have charged it up to snoop, sorry but that’s not an accident that’s just wrong. Why did you feel the need to do that, are you prone to being so nosy? It’s private and your partner deserves more respect than that. You should be worried about your own behaviour rather than his, he did nothing wrong, you did.

Vonesk · 30/01/2024 21:35

You are behaving as if he ' belongs' to you = so wrong.
Worse still : you assume he ' belonged 'to you after second date.

He probably resents your attitude / Behaviour now and is probably laughing .( At all the attention)

PonyPatter44 · 30/01/2024 21:38

What do you mean, how do you stop bringing it up? You get a grip of yourself like a big girl, and you stop. Or...you end the relationship and resolve to behave more like an adult in your next relationship.

Mamabear487 · 30/01/2024 21:43

You were dating and obviously not official he’s entitled to date people apart from you. The fact he is with you shows he wants to be with you. He only said no to protect your feelings. You shouldn’t really be snooping that far back in his messages either.

Tattletwat · 30/01/2024 22:19

Pleas don't lose decent guy over your insecurities

DottyLottieLou · 31/01/2024 02:23

He wanted to make sure you were the one for him. And you were. Don't spoil something special.

archerzz · 31/01/2024 02:29

It's honestly nothing - he chose you!!! You won!! Drop it!

MariaLuna · 31/01/2024 02:41

If he has any sense, he's currently running for the hills... 🚩 Not just because this is a completely inappropriate response to what actually happened, but more so because you found out about it by going through his private correspondences.

I agree.

You need to work on yourself. Not project your insecurities onto a man.
And snooping through someone's privacy is abhorrent.
Do some soul searching what has made you this way. The answer always lies in childhood experiences.

betterangels · 31/01/2024 02:45

If he's talking to friends, I bet they're asking him if he thinks the relationship is worth it. Stop pushing this. You'd been on two dates.

MeandT · 31/01/2024 19:28

How do you stop? You get some CBT.

Reflect on what a cruddy human you've been snooping through someone's messages behind their back.

Remind yourself that a relationship needs trust & you're the one that's been untrustworthy.

And do the work.

Or start from scratch and remember to be a better person with the next one, of course?

greenbeansnspinach · 31/01/2024 19:28

jolota · 30/01/2024 10:27

It's definitely difficult; I was in a similar position with my boyfriend.
We met on a dating app, had 4 dates in the space on 2 weeks and in between date 2 & 3, he went on a date with someone else. He asked to be exclusive on date 4.
So technically he wasn't in the wrong, and I went on a date with someone else between date 1 & 2, but I told him about it in discussions of being exclusive, and he didn't tell me.
It's the lying/withholding information that I had trouble with; I also found out in a similar way to you, after dating him exclusively for over a year, I used his phone for something and noticed a message that just caught my attention and I couldn't help looking and realised the timing.
He was really apologetic about lying and said that he already knew he wanted to be exclusive with me but felt that he needed to check by going on a date with someone else. Which I don't love as a concept.
But we had a strong foundation by then and I felt confident that he hadn't done anything else like that since. But it was hard not to let it get to me for a while.
I asked a few more questions about it, but had a similar response as from your partner, it wasn't important, it's so long ago, etc
I think you have to decide if you trust him completely? I personally think trust is essential in a relationship. If it's broken and you can't move past it and forgive him, then the relationship isn't going to feel right any longer. If you feel he's apologised sincerely then I think it's unfair to him to keep bringing it up and it's not healthy for your relationship.
I've now been married to him for 7 years, and I trust him completely. So it doesn't have to be the end.

This is a lovely helpful reply, OP!

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