How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

[MrsLoo]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

I would say he already knew at that early stage you would overreact as you have done now. Also if you are UK based why are you mothering about this at 3am.

You will push him away if you Co tinge with such nonsense. You do realise this?

Let it be. You were not exclusive after two dates and everything when we'll on your relationship. Not ideal, maybe. Something to stick to it and create resentment, definitely no.

Your insecurities will push him away if you continue down this path. Going through his phone is a huge breach of trust. You need to either trust him and let this go, or end things if you really can’t cope.

Oh my god woman. YOU'RE the red flag.

This is why I don't do online dating. You have to drop your morals, play the game and accept that someone you might really like is still talking to (and possibly shagging) someone else, while they decide who is best. A bit like standing by a shelf and picking up whichever object seems best. At least you got picked though!

Go for it if you think you can trust him OP but if it doesn't work out maybe in future accept the online dating thing isn't for you as it wasn't for me.

If roles were reversed people would be red flagging all over this thread

you sound controlling

two dates you don’t even know the persons job title or surname

why are you charging up his old phone? To read messages from months ago before you were an item?
sorry I can see massive trust issues here but they’re all from you.
don’t be your own worst enemy.

👏

It was very early days for you and I assume you hadn’t agreed to not date other people at that point. Many people date a few people at once. He’s apologised, what more do you want? You will push him away if you don’t drop this and I’d be furious if you’d been snooping on my phone. If you can’t get over this, end the relationship.

You're the red flag here OP and you need to let this guy go...for his sake.

Run dude, run!

Good Lord OP. You guys had been on two dates at the time.

Do you have a history of sabotaging relationships by being jealous or clingy? Be very careful about this. I think you are being quite controlling. He did nothing wrong and I believe that he didn’t want to hurt you. You need to stop.

You are going to kill this relationship with your jealousy
either accept it and move on or finish the relationship

I agree if the roles were reversed everyone would be calling you (if you were a guy) possessive and manipulative in constantly bringing something (that was so early you weren’t even properly together) in order to what? Start an argument? Fish for reassurance?

Either way it’s not healthy and it’s going to suffocate the relationship. He’s apologised and confirmed and explained what you saw, it was then in your court to decide if you could accept the apology and move on (which means it’s not thrown at him at every turn), or you walk away knowing your the type to let it eat you both alive. You need to find a way to move past this because you’re going to drive both of you mad.

You sound a bit needy and paranoid.
It’s pretty normal for people to date more than one person, you had only been on 2 dates. I often date 2 or 3 people at the same time (keep my options open) seeing as I don’t know them that well, it takes more than 2 dates to know you want to be in a serious relationship with each other, how do you know someone that well after 2 dates?

You were not in a serious relationship after 2 dates, they were just dates, he owed you nothing and you owed him nothing. Get over it.

You have confirmed his reasons for not telling you!

Well I wouldn't have been happy about the lying but you had only been on two dates and therefore presumably didn't know each other well.
If you couldn't get past that then you should have finished with him then, not keep bringing it up all these months later.

I think you need to weigh up if you want to be with him, and if you do you must stop this behaviour. Tbh I'd finish with you for looking through my phone, it's unacceptable.

Aww, I get it. You’re hurt because you knew he was right for you and didn’t feel the need to look elsewhere once you’d met. DH and I felt like that and I’d be so hurt if all his talk of when he met me he just knew I was ‘the one’, and how made up he was that he’d met me and we were dating, was fake.

Snooping I will never understand though. It’s such a disrespectful, low act. Have a word with yourself about that. It’s a violation. But, yes, I get you re the hurt.

I’d be so hurt if all his talk of when he met me he just knew I was ‘the one’, and how made up he was that he’d met me and we were dating, was fake.

Even if what that really meant was that he wasn't 100% certain two dates in?

If he wasn’t certain, that would be fine of course. But that’s not what he said, he told me in no uncertain terms that he knew I was ‘the one’ as soon as he met me. So, it would certainly make me doubt his integrity and would be rather odd behaviour to then go on a date with another woman after such a declaration, wouldn’t it? .

You grow up, accept what he says, stop ‘ruminating’ on it

you need to be very careful, you sound like a jealous controller, and if it was the other way round and him questioning you in this way we would all be saying red flag and dump him

YABU
If I were him I would dump you for how jealous, unreasonable, controlling and disrespectful you are.

If you want to give this a chance, YOU need to apologise, forget this and never mention it again.

If you don’t feel you can trust him OP, then you need to think “Does this relationship have legs?” Trust is essential. It doesn’t sound as though ,however sorry you are that you snooped, that you would not do so again if he left his phone lying around, and if that is the case you will never be clear of the doubt and he will know this.