How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

[MrsLoo]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

It seems a bit controlling of you to be honest. It was way back when he literally first met you. He could have been seeing loads of other women around that time, but then he chose you. I would drop it else he will probably think you are needy and a bit immature. People are allowed to have lives before they get serious with you. Did you expect him to be a virgin? Sorry if that sounds harsh but it comes off like that in your OP.

You are being ridiculous OP, and very unfair to him.

This, OP.

How did you explain the looking through his phone?

With love OP…. this is embarrassing x

Keep asking questions & all you’ll see is the dust as he’s running for the hills & you’ll turn into a bunny boiler, take a deep breathe & a big step backwards he chose you not her so grow up & let or you’ll lose him

18 months in????? Sorry OP, he won't be hanging around much longer!

This is how you ruin a relationship. Let it be. Or make yourself do something useful like cleaning each time the thought comes into your head.

This is ridiculous drama over nothing. He wasn’t your boyfriend, you weren’t exclusive and you barely knew him after only two dates. He was perfectly within his rights to not need to consult with you in such early stages. It sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities (snooping, jealousy over someone he met once and then chose you instead!) onto a situation and making it some sort of dramatic story about him lying and cheating. You need to put a lid on this. Are you quite young? That’s not meant to be patronising. I just know I would also get wound up about something like this when I was a lot younger whereas now I’d recognise it as silly!

Maybe just take relationships more seriously and more slowly - and get to know someone. If you want a monogamous relationship, discuss it before you have sex with someone. You can't just jump into bed with someone, who later becomes more special, and then try to "pretend" you were special from the start. You weren't. You were two people casually messing around, until one and then both decided it was more serious.

I don’t think you need to worry about him, however he should be worried about you. You either move on or end it,

you sound like hard work
in his shoes, I'd dump you

What can he do go back in time to erase the past @MrsLoo ?

What can he do to put your mind/emotions at ease for ever more @MrsLoo ?

TBH if I was him, I'd have ended it when I found out you'd been through my s phone. That's unforgivable and no doubt a red flag for the future for him. You need to own that upfront NOW, apologise and promise you'll never do that again, regardless of anything to do with the other girl. He wasn't being unfair to you, it was early in your relationship. And instead of interrogating him about the whole thing, how about you start putting some work into the relationship because you are surely taking it down the pan if you don't put this to bed. now. After 2 dates, you had no right to any commitment from him; he's still with you so if you want to keep him, look at your own behaviour and close this matter down.

OP - Are you listening to what people are saying here? Because you seem to have gone quiet. It may help you to have some CBT to help you overcome your jealousy. And work on what you have, rather than obsessing over one date that led nowhere. And don't snoop - it's very unattractive behaviour.

If by some miracle this relationship survives I guess you'll still be snooping and harping on about this everytime you're miffed about something. Let it go now, for both your sakes

It honestly baffles me how many women say they went through their partner's phone! I don't know anyone who doesn't have a passcode/figerprint/facial ID unlocker and haven't done for years!