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Original poster

How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

142 replies

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 02:55

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

OP posts:
KnowledgeableMomma · 30/01/2024 05:04

YABU. How do you stop ruminating about it? You tell yourself that what he did was completely reasonable considering you had only been on 2 dates. You were not exclusive at that point. He chose you and you are still dating. Deep breath and move on.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 30/01/2024 05:09

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

Seems to me he knew exactly how you would react, which is why he never mentioned this non event from over a year and a half ago.

If I was his mum or sister and he relayed this story to me, I would be advising him to run for the hills.

Lostinbrum · 30/01/2024 05:25

If you keep going on about it you'll lose him. If that's not enough to make you shut up about it then you shoukdnt be with him in the first place

Jinglesomeoftheway · 30/01/2024 05:26

OP, this is something referred to as retroactive jealousy.

I get it, it's really hard when you fell for somebody very early on and they perhaps took a little longer to realise it. Ultimately he's with you, the only way to get over this is to actively decide to stop thinking about it when it pops into your mind, or it will eat away at you and your relationship.

The past is never going to change, only you can make a change with how you react to it.

Back then he would not have had the emotional attachment he has to you now, and early dating it's extremely common to hedge your bets and date a few people. It was only your second date, you could have turned round and ended it at that point so I can understand why somebody would perhaps continue with a date with someone else. It hurts to think about it when youve built further emotional ties with someone later down the track, but it's just a fact.

My guess is that there's perhaps a bit of insecurity from yourself as to what his feelings currently are towards you, in comparison to how you feel about him? And therefore you're hooking onto this scenario from the early days. If so, this is a different issue.

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2024 05:37

Think you need to be single in as it seems like you have issues to work through. They're making you borderline abusive towards him tbh.

It's perfectly normal to date several people at the same time in the early days. Personally about 3-5 dates in I'd be wanting to pick one person to see exclusively and be having that convo with them. But before any conversation to that effect, people can date as many ppl as they like at the same time. Heck, even on the sane day.

You're acting like someone with bpd who hasn't undergone therapy to get it under control. I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. Not like there was anything much to tell really anyway.

WeirdOldBroad · 30/01/2024 05:39

OP, have you heard of Relationship OCD? It's something I struggle with and your story sounds extremely familiar to me. OCD is hell and can be very different from how most people think of it. You should go to your GP and tell them you're struggling with these ruminating thoughts. It's really hard, but if this is what's going on with you, help is available. Good luck x

Jinglesomeoftheway · 30/01/2024 05:47

Just to add, some of these responses are really really harsh OP, please take them with a pinch of salt.

To anybody posting unkind responses, OP has posted on here asking for help and guidance, and I'm sure many many people have had similar thoughts/issues in the past.

Ramalangadingdong · 30/01/2024 05:53

If I was him I would leave and find someone else. After 2 dates you do not own him and if I found out you looked through an old phone of mine you wouldn’t see me for dust. Not to mention that you keep going on about something that is of absolutely no consequence. I would have no obligation whatsoever to tell you about women I was seeing after having only two dates with you. I would not allow you or anyone else to exert so much control over me.

I am a survivor of DV and your relentless pursuit of this information is a red flag.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/01/2024 05:54

Did he actually lie though? You asked if he was seeing other people months after you started him. I'm assuming that was after a lot more than 2 dates and he wasn't seeing anyone else at that time.

Ellie1015 · 30/01/2024 06:05

Disappointing to find out partner dated someone else when you were excited about new relationship. Not a big deal he lied months later as probably didnt want to upset you.

You have broken his trust now by reading his phone. Far more hurtful and damaging.

fairo · 30/01/2024 06:07

I would leave. You're 18 months in and don't trust him or can't get over this or whatever. This is meant to be the fun early stages of a relationship. It won't work out. Sorry.

theduchessofspork · 30/01/2024 06:11

Well you don’t trust him which is why you snooped.

But there’s no reason he shouldn’t have gone on a date at that point. When you asked him months later he should have just said yeah, but it’s so early in your dating history it’s none of your business really, and he may simply not have wanted to get into it.

At this point you are being irrational - if you don’t suspect him of cheating then you need to knock it off before he gets rid of you - if you do then get rid of him.

RiderofRohan · 30/01/2024 06:21

Sorry OP, but your behaviour is batshit. You need to work on your major insecurities. Poor guy.

RadiatorHead · 30/01/2024 06:25

This was 18 months ago and nothing good is going to come of this if you push it. You were only ‘seeing’ one another if it was two dates, it wasn’t formal at that point. Don’t worry about it 🤷‍♀️

YireosDodeAver · 30/01/2024 06:37

Edited because I hadn't fully read all the op's post and mu reply is withdrawn. Ignore this.

Spacecowboys · 30/01/2024 06:44

I’ve never asked my dp if he went on dates with anyone else before we were ‘official’ and he’s never asked me. Together 25 years. The two of you had only been on two dates at the time. Why did you even ask him months later ? Why did you check his old phone, do you not trust him?

thechangling · 30/01/2024 06:44

I think you need to apologise to him, say you've realised you made a big mistake and then move on. Put it behind you.
But you need to work on why you went through his private phone and why you are ruminating. You're looking for trouble?! A bit of relationship drama? He's been very honest with you - and explained some pretty good behaviour of wanting to let the other person down gently

macedoniann · 30/01/2024 06:46

Jinglesomeoftheway · 30/01/2024 05:47

Just to add, some of these responses are really really harsh OP, please take them with a pinch of salt.

To anybody posting unkind responses, OP has posted on here asking for help and guidance, and I'm sure many many people have had similar thoughts/issues in the past.

'Most people'? Erm, no.
I've never felt the need to snoop. How can you 'just snoop' OP, did you trip , fall over the phone, and unlock it with your nose leading to the messages automatically popping up?
Neither would I have the gall to have the moral high ground after I'd done that. It's you who have broken his trust not the other way around.
YABVVU and if I were him I wouldn't be apologising, I'd be packing my bags.
Your friend won't tell him to run but I hope he has other sensible people in his life who are looking out for him.

quisensoucie · 30/01/2024 06:50

You need to be single until you either work for yourself or a grown-up tells you how relationships work

Nttttt · 30/01/2024 06:50

OP you sound like me when I was really young, snooping on phones, worrying about other people etc. You need to address your insecurities or you’re gonna lose this guy and you’ll never have a stable relationship.

After 2 dates you expected him to have binned of any other plans for dates etc? It usually takes a few more dates to become exclusive. Of course at the time he’s going to say you’re the only one he’s dating, it wouldn’t be very gentlemanly to tell you about other women he had been on dates with. Also it was just a date!!!!!!

PomPomtheGreat · 30/01/2024 06:54

Thought we'd moved on from 'look what you made me do'?

We have. But that's what he's saying too. You made me lie.

No, she didn't. He chose to lie. He could equally well have told the truth.

They're both at fault here.

nosleepforme · 30/01/2024 07:06

Either break up or shut up

BendingSpoons · 30/01/2024 07:08

You shouldn't have gone through his phone, but you know that.

What is bothering you about it? That he went on a date, that he lied later or that you felt silly for being excited when he was out with someone else? It sounds like he had already arranged it and went ahead because he thought it was the best plan, but decided you were the one for him. It doesn't sound like he was laughing behind your back whilst you were telling your friend about him.

Go and talk it out with a sensible friend, get it out your system and move on. What happened at the time was circumstances and the lie later is fairly minor and he has apologised. He could have managed it better, but he now has the benefit of hindsight. Accept his apology and move on, or you will harm your relationship. Your alternative is to end things over it, which it doesn't sound like you want.

AnotherCountryMummy · 30/01/2024 07:08

You really need to get a grip and move on or this will destroy your relationship.

Stop snooping and give your head a wobble.

redxlondon · 30/01/2024 07:09

My husband and I had an amazing second date. He told me he had another date planned but would cancel it. I made him go on it! The reason, so if this was the real thing he’d never have any regrets.
He chose you!!!!!