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Original poster

How to get over jealousy of boyfriend’s date

142 replies

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 02:55

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.
A few months in, I asked if he was dating anyone else at the same time as dating me and he said no.

A few months after that, I found out that he had in fact been on a date with someone after our second date.
Things moved quickly with us and, after our second date, I was super excited. I had gone to visit a friend for the weekend and was telling her all about it. He was texting me that weekend, all lovely stuff. I thought he felt the same.

Turns out that weekend he went on a date.

i only found out because i snooped on his phone (my mistake, held my hands up) and found texts from them arranging it. He had texted her afterwards very flirty saying things like “regret not doing that sooner” but the texts fizzled out very fast and they stopped texting.

He told me he was really sorry, he didn’t tell me at the time (understandable) but I didn’t get why he lied months after. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He has learned from this and said he will be honest from now on.

A friend of his even confirmed this. She said he came back from their date and said “nope, it’s definitely MrsLoo”.

Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him. But I ruminate so much.

I brought it up today and asked why he continued to flirt with her after the date. He said he didn’t know how to reject her and felt awkward so just went along with it. He said the flirting was fake. And in fairness, his replies took a long time and they stopped talking Pretty quickly.
He’s now very upset at me, saying it’s unfair to keep bringing it up and that we dealt with it before and that he apologised before.

I just can’t help but feel sad when I think about it, and then find myself having to ask questions about it and get answers.

so please how do I stop bringing this up??

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/01/2024 08:36

What made you snoop? There must have been a niggle from something.

Islandlifex · 30/01/2024 08:37

The poor guy! This is so controlling, imagine if the genders were reversed and a boyfriend went through his girlfriend's phone and berated her about going on a date with someone else, not only before they were exclusive but after TWO DATES? He was a virtual stranger to you at that point, you have no right to be angry about this and you owe him an apology!

user1492757084 · 30/01/2024 08:38

Let it go.
It was a couple of weeks into a relationship that he did not know was to go anywhere. You won the prize.

If you want him to leave then keep bringing it up.
Is there another activity that you can instigate when you start to ruminate on that? Can you start to knit a scarf? Knit instead of worrying and badgering him again etc. or paint a picture.
At the end you will end up with a fully knitted scarf or a beautiful artwork instead of driving your DP away.

If you can not forgive and forget and start trust afresh in your mind then leave him so you can both find others.

Whattodo112222 · 30/01/2024 08:42

You are a red flag OP. I'm sorry, but you are.

MummyJ36 · 30/01/2024 08:43

OP i get why this would annoy you. It’s not the fact he did it, it’s the fact that he lied about it. Yes I agree you’ll need to get over this if you see a future with him but do you actually want to be with him? I only wonder because whilst I think snooping is human nature, it can sometimes indicate that there was a niggling problem you didn’t want to admit. I think you should stop bringing it up, but I also think you should think seriously about whether you really want to be with him long term or not.

ThisHumanBean · 30/01/2024 08:44

I went on a date 3 weeks (and a few dates in) after meeting my now DH. We sometimes joke about me keeping my options open(i was and there is nothing wrong with that!)..it is usually him who brings this up. The facts are i picked him and he is secure in that knowledge.

This level of Insecurity you have is an unattractive trait and it will drive him away if not drive you mad.

Dinoland · 30/01/2024 08:44

user1492757084 · 30/01/2024 08:38

Let it go.
It was a couple of weeks into a relationship that he did not know was to go anywhere. You won the prize.

If you want him to leave then keep bringing it up.
Is there another activity that you can instigate when you start to ruminate on that? Can you start to knit a scarf? Knit instead of worrying and badgering him again etc. or paint a picture.
At the end you will end up with a fully knitted scarf or a beautiful artwork instead of driving your DP away.

If you can not forgive and forget and start trust afresh in your mind then leave him so you can both find others.

I love this advice. 'Don't ruin your relationship - start knitting instead!'. Grin

Penguinmouse · 30/01/2024 08:45

You’ve been together 18 months and you’re focusing on something that happened around your second date. He was shady about it but has apologised and tbh you weren’t exclusive after two dates and he’s chosen to be with you. If you keep invading his privacy and bringing stuff like this up, you won’t last.

FarmGirl78 · 30/01/2024 08:48

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

He can't win can he? If he'd have owned up immediately I reckon you'd have still been hounding him. He obviously expected this response from you, hence him lying. Be very very careful you don't let your behaviour stray onto coercive control, where he's choosing not to go out with his mates or speak to females he knows because of the fall out he'll get from you.

Freakinfraser · 30/01/2024 08:49

You need to stop. This is moving into abuse. You’d had two dates with the man. At that point he didn’t need to not see anyone else and quite frankly it was none of your business. Badgering him and invading his privacy is unacceptable.

i understand you may suffer from mental health issues, low self esteem, pathological jealousy, but you can’t make these his problem. Seek help if you cannot control yourself

PossumintheHouse · 30/01/2024 08:51

You come off worse in this scenario. It was two dates! (We were on a break!)
Another date at that point was fine. Snooping on his phone isn’t.

PuddlesPityParty · 30/01/2024 08:52

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

You snooping is far far worse than what you’re yapping on about.

angieloumc · 30/01/2024 08:55

You're definitely going to lose him if you carry on like this, fortunately for him.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/01/2024 08:56

If I were him - I would be running in the opposite directions. You are the red flag here - and have already snooped in his phone?! Poor guy. In time - he’ll realise and probably leave you. Sorry.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/01/2024 09:00

You need to read Othello.

That didn’t end well, either.

Viviennemary · 30/01/2024 09:00

Stop being ridiculous. Are you very young.

TheBayLady · 30/01/2024 09:03

You need t make your choice today, live with the fact or leave. You weren't exclusive and never had that conversation so he was free to date as many women as he liked. Yes he lied but it wasn't to be mean it was to be kind. Stop now or he will walk away and rightly so.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/01/2024 09:07

Had you slept with him before he went on the other date? That would be the deciding factor for me though I know it wouldn't be others.

Sceptical123 · 30/01/2024 09:08

I can see why you’d be hurt. You felt you had a connection, he’d led you to believe you were special to him, he was encouraging this feeling while you were away but was actively arranging seeing someone else and paying them similar attention. I get that ppl aren’t sure in the early stages of the relationship but this seems a bit underhand. He could have found an excuse not to see the other woman if he felt as strongly to be texting you like that while you were away. It was unfair to her too to string her along while he was confirming that yeah he actually did like you better/you ticked more boxes than her. Presumably you hadn’t slept together at this point.

I would feel massively unsettled as this will have tainted how you viewed the beginning of your relationship with him and how you remember it. He wasn’t being honest back then, and if he’s going to lie about that for the reasons you gave then that sets a bit of a precedent. What else will he lie to you about bc he doesn’t know how you’ll react?

That said, if he’s given you no cause for worry since then and you are happy with him then try to bury this or it will come between you.

—On a side note, how did you unlock his old phone to snoop as presumably it had a screen lock?

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/01/2024 09:08

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 30/01/2024 08:27

If he wasn’t certain, that would be fine of course. But that’s not what he said, he told me in no uncertain terms that he knew I was ‘the one’ as soon as he met me. So, it would certainly make me doubt his integrity and would be rather odd behaviour to then go on a date with another woman after such a declaration, wouldn’t it? Confused.

Show quote history

Wouldn't be any odder than declaring lifelong commitment to someone you've barely laid eyes on, tbh. If two dates later he thought "I can't be certain", had one new date and came back thinking "yeah, it's the first one", I can't see an integrity issue there.

If he knows you lay that much on that first meeting, though, then yes, given it makes no difference to how he feels now and has felt since date 2, I can absolutely see why he wouldn't bother disabusing you. All the talk of doubting integrity and all that, because he had some further thoughts after two dates that amounted to nothing more than one date elsewhere? Bonkers.

Bobbotgegrinch · 30/01/2024 09:13

MrsLoo · 30/01/2024 03:06

I found his old phone in his room and I don’t know, I just snooped. I didn’t find anything else of course. And he did, he said he lied about not dating anyone else because he didn’t want to upset me and wasn’t sure how I’d react

Quite frankly, you're incredibly lucky he hasn't dumped you already.

I've been with DP 17 years and I'd split up with her in a heartbeat if she started nosing through my phone without a very very good reason.

You've invaded his privacy massively, and now you're trying to make it all his fault about something that happened before you were even properly going out. No wonder he lied to you because he was worried about your reaction - you're proving to him that he was right to.

Please just dump him, you're really not in the right mental space to be dating anyone!

SherrieElmer · 30/01/2024 09:14

Why on earth did you snoop on his phone? What exactly were you trying to achieve by doing that?

VampireWeekday · 30/01/2024 09:18

This is controlling behavior. It was two dates, he knew you'd kick up a scene, you destroyed the trust by snooping all that time ago.

Twitchie · 30/01/2024 09:19

Is OP BU? Yes. You'd also have to go back quite far to find these, and click on a lot of other random chats.

But some of these responses are a bit much. You can get the same message across - that snooping isn't acceptable and is based in insecurity, and the date is not a big deal - in a better way.

And she'll be more likely to actually take it on board.

Willing to bet OP has now disappeared and isn't coming back.

GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 09:22

You are retrospectively applying the standards of an 18 month relationship to a casual dating situation in which you'd been on 2 dates. And when you asked him, he was NOT dating anyone else - he'd been on ONE date, previously, and had subsequently realised he was happy with you.

After our first date, which went extremely well. DH went away for a long planned international holiday. I have never asked him what happened during those 3 weeks and he has never asked me what I was doing while he was gone (outside of our texts etc) because it's not relevant.