A question to all those who think school refusal in schools is increasing due to lazy, enabling parents...

[Edsspecialsauce]

The question I always have is why?
Why would we choose this?
I hear all the time that it's all our fault, it's just parents letting them get away with murder. Enabling their behaviour etc
How come you get families where one sibling is fine in school and the other has to be dragged in screaming?
Why would I choose to spend my whole time in the playground begging?
Why would I choose to be on a final warning at work due to absence?
Why would I choose to be on antidepressants due being completely burnt out after five years of struggling?
I'm a single parent and my DC is disabled. I could probably get benefits and home ed, so why if I'm not bothered about her education am I dragging her through the school gates, crying (I'm often crying too)
Every day, five days a week, for years.

I have one child who does skip into school without a care in the world. Always has done.

We also have another who I do literally have to drag in kicking and screaming. She has autism, OCD and generalised anxiety.

It's not like we enable her to stay at home (she'd love nothing more, but it's not an option). I spend most mornings crying myself due to the stress and strain of it all. I know many, many families who are experiencing the same especially post-Covid.

Is it so difficult to understand?

@Edsspecialsauce - obviously targeted at those who do think it's laziness. Solidarity to you.

Right. Of course it is.

I think all the nonsense of covid lockdowns really messed up children's routines. Some parents are just lazy though.

I'm not.

I was using my own experience as an example similar to others experiences. Specifically as you were calling out our parenting.

Sorry that's so difficult for you to grasp.

Plenty of others on this thread have pulled you on your shitty, hateful opinion.

I don't know why I'm even bothering replying to you. You're pathetic.

DD2 went through this the first time around in 2019. If anything, lockdown gave her a welcome breather from school and helped reset things for a couple of years. But we are going through it all again now with the transfer to secondary, which is so common in autistic girls. I warned all and sundry that this was a risk given her history but no one was willing to take me seriously and offer preemptive support, it is all reactive while she spirals towards rock bottom.

Oh and how long do CAMHS say we will have to wait for their recommended therapy? 16 months

LOL what a load of shite.

Sorry you are going through this OP, you aren't alone! It's becoming increasingly common amongst our teenagers.

The whole education system needs a complete overhaul. School has such a one size fits all approach, it's no wonder some kids struggle.

My DD is currently on a goodish streak RE attendance, we've had some tough days though. Hers stems from a phobia of vomiting.

I've had the gentle chats with her, I've also tried to drag her out of the house. That day was truly a shitty parenting day. I felt fucking dreadful, as did she.

I don't have the answers, I wish I did! It's beyond stressful @Edsspecialsauce

Seriously? Surely there is nothing more traumatising than seeing your child, traumatised? We have been lucky and have had no school issues at all. But if my child was so anxious and terrified and upset by school, seeing their anguish would definitely traumatise me. That comes from a place of love and desperation to make things better for your child.

Not necessarily

https://digitalscholarship.unlv.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3221&context=rtds

This was an interesting look at parenting styles and school refusal. It suggest that for children presenting with anxiety they come form cohesive expressive families but lack independence. I have a small child and I’m keenly aware of anxiety (diagnosed at one point myself with GAD, family history of various mental health issues and PD’s so it’s all very up close and personal). I’ve been trying to find studies on school refusal so I’m well armed just in case.

Another Japanese study found no association between parenting styles and school refusal in small kids.

It’s probably all very complex tbh and each case will be very individual but I do think we have to look at all factors. Due to my own childhood I lean towards authoritarian and it’s quite difficult for me to acknowledge and course correct this so I’m not having a pop at anyone.

can’t help but to think as well the rise in SEND kids overall plus the pushing into mainstream artificially bumps up the numbers as I can imagine a mainstream school would be extremely difficult for a child with ND.

I have to say I agree with this, my DD’s heartfelt distress is the one thing that can really shake me. If my Dd was refusing to go to school I would feel utterly helpless to fix it and at the same time I would feel keenly aware of what she’s missing out and be terrified that if I don’t sort it out that she will struggle to get the education she deserves. I can imagine a lot of parents going through this are plagued with worry, doubt and fear.

It’s hard being a parent, a lot of what you do benefits your child even if they don’t like it, some things will leave you torn about what the right thing to do is. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual.

DH and I are teachers. Teenage daughter has huge school-based anxiety. No problems at primary other than quiet but cannot cope at secondary. She is mute most of the time when in school. People who think you can just drag a child in have obviously never experienced seeing their child in extreme distress over school. We're at the point of one of us having to give up our jobs as we don't feel we're supporting her enough. We have done everything we can think of - contacted the school to the point they are now pretty much ignoring us, tried to get a referral to CAHMS (discharged as not serious enough as DD does not self-harm or have suicidal ideation), paid for counselling. Now I am about to pay for a psychological assessment in the hope that if a professional produces a report the school might do something.

It's a horrible, stressful situation. My DD is academically capable and I had always assumed she would do well in exams. Now I'll be relieved if she gets the minimum qualifications.

Did you not want to go in the morning either? And how long did it take until you stayed at school?

Yes, very much like how Boris spent Lockdown eating cheese from his fridge and having parties meetings. He thought everyone else was doing it too.

Maybe 10 years ago it was like that for you but I'm in my 40s and don't recognise the extreme 'mum says, child does' from when I was little, let alone with my own DC! School refusal happened when I was at school and sickness absence too. And it was of course happening when my DC were little too.

I feel for you OP. My son’s friend has been like this since first day of school and just hasn’t got better.

My son does go to school, but went through a phase of fighting and having meltdowns every morning. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD and receives treatment which is going well. I only had to deal with that behaviour for a couple of years, and it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever experienced, so god knows how you manage when it’s constant.

Does anyone know what’s causing it? I don’t remember it being a thing when I was at school ( the odd person, but maybe about 2 in my year and that was more cos they were badly behaved- it’s wasn’t anxiety)

Is it due to the way schools are run? Is bullying much worse? I’ve heard that anxiety in girls has skyrocketed since social media started up around 2004.

Also whilst on the topic, obviously education is important but school and GCSEs aren't the be all and end all.

My relative had major school anxiety (looking back she was/is definitely ND) She didn't get any GCSEs.

She is now self employed running a sucessful profitable business.

I think people underestimate just how hard it is to deal with this type of problem.

I sympathise Op, I had this for years and years, it’s soul destroying. I often spent over an hour outside school trying to get DC to go in. They would run off, lock themselves in the car etc. The school helped a couple of times and then said they didn’t have the staff to help. Blame always seems to be put at the parent’s door 😢. It was a living hell. I’d get a phone call from the school telling me to go out looking for DC as they ‘thought’ that they had walked out of school but weren’t sure. I had meetings in school every 6 weeks, CAHMS involvement etc. I am also a lone parent. School finally backed off a bit when DC got a 2nd diagnosis. I am so pleased they have finally finished with school. None of my other children have been school refusers, in fact some of the others are extremely academic with 100% attendance.

Just wanted to send solidarity and 🍷💐☕🍰

Exactly, and when they have SEND you are so desperate for a break you couldn't be more invested in them going into school.

It used to be way easier to truant from school, it’s always been there. And you could leave when younger. My grandparents just stopped going, lied about their age and got a job. Parents are now guilted and fined into trying to drag their kids in. Tbh schools are also in many ways stricter now and rely on high levels of control and punishment. Detentions were very few and far between when I was at school, you just got a telling off and that was it. The curriculum is boring and archaic. I blame the government totally!

Let's see see your research based stats that have drawn you to such an educated conclusion.

My brother was a school refuser, started in primary school and through secondary pretty much refused daily. My mother did everything

• paid for a therapist
• provided the best diet
• paid for a specialist private school in the end

Neither me or my sister ever missed a day of school and we were all driven to the school door everyday.

My brother was diagnosed as autistic at about 40 and it all makes sense now.

My point is, what was she supposed to do, drag him out of bed and into a car and get him there? So no, I do not judge parents of school refusers. It’s bloody hard.

😂 you’re funny 😆
Have you read the thread??