A question to all those who think school refusal in schools is increasing due to lazy, enabling parents...

[Edsspecialsauce]

The question I always have is why?
Why would we choose this?
I hear all the time that it's all our fault, it's just parents letting them get away with murder. Enabling their behaviour etc
How come you get families where one sibling is fine in school and the other has to be dragged in screaming?
Why would I choose to spend my whole time in the playground begging?
Why would I choose to be on a final warning at work due to absence?
Why would I choose to be on antidepressants due being completely burnt out after five years of struggling?
I'm a single parent and my DC is disabled. I could probably get benefits and home ed, so why if I'm not bothered about her education am I dragging her through the school gates, crying (I'm often crying too)
Every day, five days a week, for years.

Depends on the circumstances. I know a boy who is totally spoiled and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way, it has worked with his parents. Obviously it doesn’t work with school and so he has become a school refuser. Some parents are walk overs which creates problems when children come up against discipline via teachers.

Messaged you

I am a teacher and I never think that parents have any responsibility for this kind of absence. I think school anxiety/refusal is really really tough for a parent to deal with and work through. There are no easy answers.

Some things that I think have promoted an increase are: more academic curriculum and more pressure on children, teachers and schools, fewer vocational/applied options, covid.

But do you know the full story. This is the sort of judgement the op is talking about

I hated school when I was 5. I ran home every lunch time and every time I was dragged back by my mother kicking and screaming until I knew that running off didn't work so I stayed.
My parents were the war generation. My father killed people in the Middle East My mum like her peers worked in factories and earned good money and independence until a psychologist called Bowlby coined the term maternal deprivation and chained women to the kitchen sink for the next 50 years
My life as a young adult was privileged and young people today have a much harder time BUT but you are a self absorbed generation and are raising children who are self absorbed and who have a massive sense of entitlement. They are children who have never been told no who have never experienced deferred gratification. They don't do what they don't want to do, so yes in that sense school refusal is the fault of the parents. If my mum had simply let me hide under the table screaming instead of dragging me back to school she would have done me a great diservice

Exactly the type of judgement the OP was talking about. You are clueless.
Thankfully I generally find mumsnet very measured and supportive when it comes to EBSA. In fact the comments on here are more knowledgeable than from the so called professionals we’ve had to deal with through the EHCP process! DD is no longer attending school & we have had years of struggles. Like you said OP I can’t understand why any parent would choose this- it’s much harder!

Genuine question: why not just say "walk a.mile in my shoes..."? I think that is perfectly acceptable. And way better than the passive aggressive comment.

I can't remember any children in my school refusing school, and neither can my mum. Certainly not 5-10 kids absolutely losing their shit, crying, headbanging, running into roads that you get in schools these days. It is much more logical that it's the pressure and workload of schools this day rather than parents. Parents from all classes, ethnicities, countries, family dynamics. How does anyone think that they've all suddenly changed their parenting style to cause this?

Op if its that bad then I really think you should quit school. My 15 year old son was so bloody miserable there. he was going to school but really really really unhappy. I decided to stop him going in October when he nearly had a mental breakdown over the mock GCSE homework. He's slowly recovering. Good luck x

We're currently coming through the other end a bit, thanks to getting an EHCP. But there were times when I couldn't see a way out. I love my career and I wouldn't be fulfilled at home, although that feels taboo for a mum to say. I know many don't have a choice.

Sometime I wonder if the it’s because the people in govt are, often, entitled, lazy and dishonest so they think everyone is as entitled, lazy and dishonest as they are.

The only thing I would sort of disagree with here is the argument that it can’t be all parenting that has changed, I think actually that’s incorrect, parenting now (in most cases) looks a lot different to how it was when I was a child.

Children have a much bigger voice now than they did when I was little (and I’m only in my 20’s so I’m not talking 30+ years ago). There was no such thing as school refusal when I was in school because really kids didn’t have any say, there was no negotiation to be done, it was x happens then y, even sickness absence wasn’t really a thing when I was in school, you got sent into school and if you were really poorly then you would get sent home. Parenting was more about dictating to kids really than engaging with them in most cases whereas nowadays there is a rise of gentle parenting, teaching our children from a very young age that it’s okay to have their own boundaries (e.g. if you don’t want to kiss your nanna if you don’t want to, whereas when we were kids you were just about passed round the entire family for a kiss and cuddle, nobody asked if you wanted one), encouraging our children to speak openly and honestly about their emotions, to stand up for themselves and what they think or believe in.

Now in my opinion, those are all really positive things and absolutely a step in the right direction, the consequence though is that kids now do have a say in things like school. Because they are taught that their voice and their feelings matter, that they can and should speak their mind always, and shouldn’t do things that they don’t want to do etc, it’s no surprise then when that extends to things like school. Kids feel more able now to say “I’m not doing that because I don’t want to” because that is what we encourage in them, it’s not a bad thing, but it is a contributing factor to things like school refusal sometimes because 10 years ago it was mum tells child what to do, child does it, now the communication goes both ways which has lots of really positive consequences but does also contribute to some issues like this

Its mainly the child (often asd), but parent reaction or actions in general make a difference to some kids.
Asd kids are often very anxious and stubborn.

Consider what the child does at home if they do stay off. If they have to work normal school hours only those who truly hate school will want to stay off

@Tooolde you sound like one of these ‘professionals’. Make home as uncomfortable as possible for an already anxious kid, and eventually they’ll want to go back to school. Problem solved 🙄

I work with these kids, it's heartbreaking. And yes you do get some parents who have no patience with it and/or can't be bothered to take their kids to school even if they want to go. You also get parents who are running themselves ragged doing everything they possibly can.

I don't have an answer for you, but I do know, having seen a fair few cases in both categories now, that your attitude is definitely making a positive difference to your child. You might feel like you're trying everything and getting nowhere, but your child is better off than one who's parents can't be bothered. On the most basic level, just knowing they have a parent who cares will affect how they feel.

Children can and do recover from this. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the middle of it, but I've seen some pretty spectacular turnarounds. They're the ones who's parents are backing them.

You are your child's best support and I promise you are making a difference.

There’s a big difference between parents who let their kids avoid school because they have a headache, cold, haven’t done their homework etc versus those who are ESBA.

With the former, they are enabling the easy way out for them as well as their child in most occasions.With the latter, I couldn’t imagine being in the parents shoes, especially when siblings were absolutely fine. I have every sympathy with the parents and child, and deal with both on a day to day as head of year, trying to identify root causes and hitting so many dead ends.

Because in this circumstance you are the exception, not the rule.

There are lots who unfortunately just can’t be arsed. Just because you’re not one of them, doesn’t mean the majority aren’t.

Thoughts and prayers OP. I had 18 months of this ( secondary) and it’s still a lottery how mornings go. I was often in tears too and it was horrible. But regardless every single day I took her there. Sometimes it took 10 mins and sometimes it took an hour. I never ever gave in and let her stay home.

ive met loads of people who just let their kids stay at home, I can see the benefit all round of giving up the fight, but I refuse to let her fail so I will always fight to get her there.

is their approach lazy? Maybe, these people don’t tend to have jobs so I guess it has less of an impact on them? I can see the appeal to be honest, but I couldn’t, I know she can succeed and failure isn’t failure until you stop trying.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally I haven't met any parents like this, honestly. Most parents of school refusers work and have high expectations of their children. They want the best for their children.

@inapickle2300 that exactly the kind of ignorant judgement that is what the OP is talking about, you don’t really believe that’s the issue? Come on!

Yes exactly how much has changed since i was a child in 80s.
There was tv but it was certain times of the day. And often parents had control in evenings.
There was a switch off overnight too. Limited games

Dd was refusing in reception. She did the 2 week into then they brought in the other 30 kids. Boom couldnt cope.
So class size an issue. Years ago they brought kids on by age so not whole class till after easter. Obviously rubbish for them.
The waa no intervention when kids saod mean things at school. And crom oct onto main play area with 400 kids.
Dd had only done 2days a week term time preschool for 9m. But got really ill with ear infections only attended 70%.

Also some 4yo dont like to sit.

The bad behaciour of other kids sets some off so larger classes with sen etc.

I think lack of classroom control upsets some kids.

People are lazy and don't want to think too hard or about difficult things.

Thinking about what is going wrong in schools (and society) is big, hard and challenging. Most people don't like being challenged. They know what school was like 20, 30, 50 years ago so no need to think any more about it.

Blaming weak parents and spoiled brats is easy, no thinking required.

It's exactly the same thought processes and narratives around the teacher shortage. Teachers are weak and lazy individuals, no need to consider there are any systemic problems.

My DC go to school, eat and sleep normally. I put that down to a lot of luck. I'm not a perfect parent, and things here aren't perfect. My DC have had behaviour problems in the past, and have needed a kick up the butt to do what they're supposed to be doing in school. Battles to just get them to school in the morning have to be exhausting and soul destroying for all concerned. Covid taught me that I am not a teacher, and I could not do the job justice to home educate. People who have these struggles need support to find a way forward.

But in my DC's school there are so many different sorts of parents who experience school refusal. Pakistani parents, Spanish parents, single parents, parents who work in schools, parents who have a background in mental health (like me). It would be very odd if all of those different parents all had the exact same parenting style.