Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

Bit of a blanket statement.
one of my „advantages“ was being a carer to my younger sister.

my much younger brothers had the advantage of being born at a time where our father was a successful professional with a well-paid job.
when I was born he was a uni student…

Your parents clearly want to rest in peace knowing that all of their children are going to have security for the rest of their lives and not have to worry. Its their choice and I'd do the same! DB isnt being "penalised" for doing well. Your sister didnt make an active choice to find a partner who was domestically abusive, unfortunately she ended up in that situation. Some people just have better luck than others. This set up will clearly give your parents peace of mind. I hope the siblings who dont agree with this arent being vocal about it and making it known to their parents. Their money, their choice!

But they don't love every child equally. Some are being favoured over others. If you really loved each DC equally you'd treat them the same and give the DC the best chance of remaining on good terms after your death.

There's quite a big difference though between discussion of what's going to happen and someone voluntarily not taking their share as a result of that and someone actually having a reduced share given to them without any discussion or consideration of their feelings on the matter.

So basically he gets less because his married so has an extra income and basically his wife lost a love one thus they already inherited so afforded their house and private school ontop of that with their wages.

I mean that does seem a kick in the arse for just being in a couple with a spouse who’s had someone die. Vs the work shy druggy criminal whos getting most.

I mean it’s upto your parents at the end of the day but they surely didn’t expect this to go that well did they? Do they expect your brothers relationship with them to not change now when he clearly feels so slighted. Possibly also how he feels about ever helping siblings out too since in his eyes now clearly they are the family favourites now. Also need old age help well his definitely going to tell them to whistle isn’t he.

Absolutely no idea how to vote as not sure which option is which. It’s your parent’s money to leave as they wish and you should be grateful for whatever you get. Inheritance isn’t even guaranteed anyway, they may need care or something before they die 🤷‍♀️

I'd imagine your DB may not complain but he probably won't want to see your dsister again, as I'd imagine he'd be terribly hurt, as it will just remind him she was more loved by parents. In the future if your dsister needs any help or support I wouldn't expect your DB to be there for her tbh. That would be down to your parents.

I think what your parents are doing is fair as a) it’s their money and b) they appear to have given it a lot of thought. Not just said well I like Sally best so she is having the most etc.

My DF has said I won’t be getting much in his will. I’m financially well off from my career and have a DH who also has a lucrative career. Whereas my DB struggles and I also have teenage half siblings from my DF’s second marriage.

I’m ok with this because I don’t need any inheritance and I know that the decision in no way reflect’s my DF’s love for me.

Don’t they say everybody is one pay check away from being homeless, so in fairness, any one of you could end up needing the inheritance just as much as the other.

The message your parents are giving is that they have a favourite child.
I’m sure that’s not actually true but I’d be pretty upset if this was to happen to anyone in our family and can totally understand why your DB1 is upset.

Your parents should give each of you an equal share of everything.
End of. Anything like the house that has to be sold afterwards, equal share of that too.
They might be thinking “oh well we’ll be gone” but actually, they are already causing hate and unease between all of you siblings whilst they’re still alive. 😢

The OP’s brother is much further away than one pay cheque from being homeless. He has a well paid job, is married to a consultant, his house is mortgage-free plus he has other properties. He could probably go several years without pay cheques before he was on the breadline.

Indeed a divorce, a car accident a random onset of a disability could leave this very wealthy sibling on his arse worse than the sister who had to flee dv while the junky brother lives a life of no cares funded by mummy and daddy.

Cannot understand how any parents could ever not leave exactly equal amounts to their children. All that does is breed issues and insecurities. Might be worth speaking to your parents about how that would inevitably ruin the relationships between siblings!

Also depends on those investments they could all be held in trusts if via the wife’s inheritance.

Relationships aren't built/maintained on 'position' within a family, relationships are built on the time, effort and emotional investment you put in. In terms of the aforementioned, adult children often don't give equal (to their parents) to that which their siblings do, ergo they may not receive equal.

But that's just it, he may well have wanted to help his sister. His Mum didn't want to enable that she wanted to cut him out entirely and shower most of her money on her DD. When my Mum left me and my 4 sisters the same amount. We were all in different circumstances. Me and one of my older sisters are far better off financially so when we all meet up for a meal either me or my better off sister treats the others. My youngest sister is quite poor. She is not good with handling money either and her DH is worse than she is. So my younger sister paid off a lot of debt with her share of inheritance. A year later her car engine blew up and she had no car to get to work. I bought her a used car to enable her to work. By leaving us all equal shares there was no bad feeling between sisters and we all remain close and willing to help each other out. If I'd have been left out I'd have felt terribly hurt and wonder why my Mum didn't love me as much as siblings. It would have haunted me.

But she was left an equal share, but chose to refuse it. She might have felt hurt to not been left anything. Emotions are not logical.

An argument could be made either way but what has announcing this achieved right now? You have the successful brother who will estrange himself from the family, so that relationship down the toilet. Brother and sister relationships damaged, those relationships down the toilet. Potentially the sister/sister relationship damaged if OPs sister isn’t happy with her split. It’s preempting the problem, particularly if the home gets swallowed up with care fees anyway.

My plan is regardless both children get a fair split. But if your planning on doing anything that’s going to cause drama then let it play out after your death.

Surely though everybody should treat each of their children equally.
In cases where they don’t, it’s very unfair and cold hearted.

That’s only true if you equate money with love.

I think there are two separate viewpoints, neither of whom will ever see each other’s perspective! (Needs based vs equal split) The problem comes when the sibling have those different viewpoints.

What a foolish woman she's been. I hope the therapy helped you make peace with what she's done.

Really? No matter how differently our children balance their time/effort with me and DH, we will and do always love and treat them both equally.

Love of and for your children should NEVER be conditional!

What of adult children who don't give equally? If elderly parents require significant support for example, and only one sibling gives that support whilst the others refuse; perhaps for many years. Surely if you don't give equal, you can't be perturbed to not receive equal?

I can understand your older DB not being happy Op, it seems like he's worked hard and been successful and now he feels he's being penalized. My DB didn't work, he had MH problems, so my DP's worded there wills so that my DM would inherit everything, but if she died first the house was left half and half to my DF and my DB so that he wouldn't lose his home. I understood absolutely why they'd done it, and I respected that my DM told me this so it wouldn't be a nasty surprise later but it still hurt, it felt as if I couldn't be trusted to do the right thing by my DB and makes you feel like your future doesn't matter to them

So I get what people are saying regarding something bad happening to DB family / losing his career etc

this issue is in terms of his lifestyle splitting it in 4 would not help that.
by splitting it in 4 no one benefits hugely. It would not make any difference in DB life.
it would not mine either.