Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

Is that an example of how to tell everyone you're the youngest without actually saying this?

I'm middle of 3. When #1 was born my parents were really struggling money wise. They gradually improved the situation through being very careful with money and not spending on luxuries.
When #1 left home, gradually they relaxed a bit and we did occasionally get treats.
When I left they relaxed totally and #3 got things we had longed for but never ever been allowed to think about having.
#3 had far more money spent on them than me and #1 put together. I remember one item I needed it being 2x Christmas presents, 2x birthday and I put money I'd earned in. The next year #3 said they'd like one and they bought one just like that. That was the difference.

When it comes to the will, should #3 get less than us because they had far more advantages over the years? No, not at all. It was just luck of finances - but things we did without meant they had money to spend later. I would not be umpteenth my parents if they suggested it.

Whilst the sibling who provided the most support might be really angry /hurt at being taken advantage of, I can honestly say if it was me and my own sibling, I still wouldn’t begrudge her an equal share of my parents estate.
She has been their child all of her life, not just in the final years.

I’ve been through this situation, my parents (still alive), gifted my younger sibling (the favourite) a house 11 years ago after selling the family home. They purchased a new house for themselves approximately 150k cheaper than the house they bought for my sibling.

The idea was that my DC’s would inherit their house which will likely have to be sold to pay for care.

It may seem greedy to some but it hurt me a lot. I’m sure their reasoning was that I didn’t need the same level of help as my sibling but it still feels unfair. Also the situation has changed somewhat since it happened and I am struggling to pay my mortgage which may lead to having to sell up and rent.

As a result, I don’t feel warm towards my family, I try not to see them very often now as it just reinforces the feeling of being second best.

I'm approaching it from the perspective of the (adult) children. If I was in the position whereupon I'd left a sibling to care for our elderly parents for example, I'd understand if my parents wanted to leave that sibling a larger share. Its not about conditional love, its about recognising and appreciating sacrifice.

It’s up to your parents what they do with their money, but it’s shitty for your eldest brother and I’d feel the same. Why should he be left out because he’s made a success of his life?

Don't know why they haven't just gifted money before they "plan" to die to the ones most in need ...

Your pare ts are doing what is called fairness and equity . Equality is not always fair . And if I get to my old age it’s exactly what I’m doing . The child that is hardworking but has less will het more the one that is equally hard working but doesn’t need as much will get less and if like your brother they get all high and mighty and scream it’s u fair then I would leave them nothing as surely I would have failed to raise them well !

“I can see why it would annoy him, however its your parents money and they are using it in a way that ensures they can close their eyes on this world feeling as though each if their children is safe and secure in all their different circumstances.”

I agree with this and the parents will have a more positive death feeling this way when they go. As opposed to worried sick about 2 of their children which can’t be a nice feeling on your deathbed.

While I totally understand their thought process, whether they like it or not beneficiaries, especially children, do associate inheritances with how much they were considered, thought about and loved.

Splitting it unequally between your children may make sense to your parents but it leaves behind resentment, confusion and heartache that eats away at and tears apart sibling relationships that will already be weakening when the parents are no longer there as the central connection.

Relationships that siblings and cousins might need as support for each other long after any inheritance has been spent. Resentment lasts much longer than money.

But, it is your parents money, it is their choice the legacy they leave behind, however, it might not be the one they envisaged.

'Taken advantage of' is a niche conclusion, given your very moralistic sense of fairness! Elderly parents who simply require support in their dotage doesn't, on any level, equate to taking advantage.

In my view unequal splitting of a will causes resentment and upset forever. It is best avoided. However it sounds like your sister, despite her hard work and diligence needs help now. Can your parents start to supplement her income or give her the deposit for a house along side the equal splitting of the will. Your younger brothers money should be discussed with him with a view to leaving it in a trust.

I don't care what my parents spend on my siblings during their life time - they have helped other siblings less fortunate then me out and I have been happy for them - but I would be hurt if they treated us differently with inheritance.

And need.

I'm astonished at the number of posters who equate love with money and who would bitterly resent their sibling receiving life changing help in the form of amounts which to them would be mere small change.

And of course if the big earning couple living the mortgage free life haven't put money by and taken out the insurances to protect that life then they have been a damned sight more feckless than the siblings.

I think like your parents 100% . I live all my children equally but equality in division it’s not real fairness . What they are doing is helping those who need it the most . I think it really good

One of my parents is planning to give my sibling a large sum of money to purchase a house, as they are low earning. I'm fine with that. They helped me out at a different time in my life. I'd rather we all were on a more even playing field (all owners of properties) than we all had exactly the same money.

I genuinely don’t understand why love is being measured in terms of money?

Should always be an equal split but DC should be brought up to support each other. If DBro gets money he doesn't need, he would automatically support a less well off sibling.

I think it is understandable that people get upset if siblings are treated differently to them. It's no different to any other kind of favouritism and the last thing any decent parent would want is for their children to resent each other in the future. If one sibling is well off and doesn't need the money it would be better to give it to them anyway and let them choose to give it to their less well off siblings. That way, everyone is happy with each other.

Yes, that happened in my family.

It doesn't matter if it was money, chocolate buttons or the same number of purple balloons.

It is the feeling that your parents, the people that brought you into the world and raised you from an infant, cared about/favoured another of their children more than you. It is an absolutely a natural way to feel. Logic tends to be shoved to the side when it comes to emotions.

I think for many people the problem with unequal wills is that this is the first time in their lives that their parents have been obviously unfair. Most parents try to be fair to their children……so it comes as a bit of a shock when they suddenly change this narrative. Also children make different life choices…..so should one get less because they worked hard, got a good job and are well paid versus their sibling who messed around, has no qualifications and lives pay cheque to pay cheque in zero hours contracts…..just because they couldn’t be bothered. What happens if one child married into wealth and the parent excludes them from their will on the basis that that child will inherit via their partner? But then the partners family donates it all to the donkey sanctuary (or a different poorer sibling) and the partner gets nothing?
the only fair way to divide a will is equally, and if you e done a good job as a parent your children will look after each other.

Your brother sounds entitled to me and I think your parents plans for your younger dB is the right thing. Give him money and he's dead simple as that. Making sure he has a roof is the right thing.

Money

I work with estates and see families torn apart by this daily. IMO no one has any rights over anyone else’s money, if they left it all to the cats home they would be well within their rights to do so. Your brother is being greedy.

Its also great your parents have discussed this now so it’s not a shock when they pass away and you had no idea.

My dad hasn’t split his will evenly. My sister lives with him, cares for him, doesn’t work and has sacrificed a lot. I live 200 miles away, have a good job, own my own home and although I’m a single mum I don’t need his money in the same way she does. When my dad passes away she’ll need setting up in a flat, and he’s making sure she’ll be sorted in the future. I fully support his choice. People are so entitled.

Your wealthy brother is a greedy f— er. Your parents decision make a lot of sense sorry.