Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

It’s up to your parents but I think it’s unfair

one brother had got his head down worked hard the other has turned to crime and drugs

penalise one for doing well
reward one for drugs and crime

I should clarify
the person who is getting the most is my sister - not any of my children.

in theory we will get a lot less than sister.

I wonder whether just as presumably something like a trust has been established for youngest DB, a specific bequest eg (depending on what sums they were pretty sure would be in the estate as a whole) eg enough for a large deposit that would enable dsis to buy her own home on an affordable mortgage, plus something to invest in a pension) the after that is taken out, divide the rest equally?

I think your parents are doing the right thing, Christ your DS has been through the wringer, its fair they want all their grandchildren to have a bit of security. Your sister with a bit of extra help might be able to get a place to call her own. I would 100% understand if my parents or inlaws did an unequal split based on need.

I'd be very dissappointed with my DB in this situation. It's their (your parents) money not his entitlement. If there was not alot in it between sibs then yeah sure 4 way split, but your siblings are worlds apart in differing financial security. Xx

This post says everything I was thinking but in a far more eloquent way than I could have put it.

I can see from DB's point of view though that he feels like he's being punished for doing well in life.

We had a scenario to a much lesser extent when FIL told us of the contents of his will. 5% to the two DGC then 45% each to DH and SIL. We don't have any DGC, so DH was a bit put out that he's being "punished" for not having children (i.e. 55% goes to SIL and her DDs, but 45% comes DH's way). I could see his point to some extent, though pointed out that it's still a lot of money that we don't really need, and with no children of our own, DNs will likely inherit what's left from us anyway, so it's just cutting out the middle man and giving them something to help them get on the property ladder when they're older.

It sounds like a well thought through plan IMO, especially when it comes to your younger DB.

(Oh, and please do an AMA - forensic pathology AND make up artist! I want to know everything!!)

Yes I’m theory
like in simple terms

second brother would receive in a safe way enough to make sure he has a roof other his head.

sisters inheritance would enable her to live Mortgage free. Then an additional amount which is equal to brothers that is a bit of buffer money but not life changing.

I would get enough to probably take a holiday 😅

@horseyhorsey17 she says it was a mistake, but I don’t think she actually believes that. The therapy sessions were at least interesting. She has a very strange relationship with money. She says that money doesn’t mean anything to her. I pointed out that whilst she might not be materialistic she lives comfortably in a mortgage free £1m house and hasn’t worked since she was 45. (Younger than I am now). Categorically refuses to believe that she’s in the top 10-20% in terms of wealth and seems to think that one DBs school fees and house improvements are more important than mine. Even the therapist couldn’t stifle a laugh when DM said that DB with 3 children in prep school ‘needed’ the money.

Better than dependant drug addicts….

Isn’t there a parable in the Bible with this very theme? The Prodigal Son. The details vary but one of the main points is that the virtuous son complains to his father because his “undeserving” brother is being treated to the fatted calf and in the virtuous brother’s eyes, receiving preferential treatment. The father says you are both loved equally, this feast does not mean you are loved less than your scamp of a brother.*
Surely the reward your DB1 receives for his achievements/hard work is his affluent lifestyle, being able to privately educate his DC. Would he wish to change places with any of his sibs. What he has is partly a matter of fate — if he had been born disabled or educationally challenged or had a devastating accident he could not have achieved what he has.
Someone posted that in effect, it was DS’s fault she ended up in DV situation — really! Do women really desire this? Do their DC deserve the poor standard of housing/living etc?
Sometimes Equity does not demand equality

*I am not a Bible scholar and am relying on what I was taught in my youth.

I supposed they hoped their son in a well paid job with a well paid wife and a house paid for would want to help his sister. I guess it doesn't work like that in all families.

Not really.

It's just another way of looking at the situation.

Learn to understand that people can look at things in a different way to you without you needing to label them as "wrong" or "immature".

That's maturity.

A week after your parents die your eldest DB is in a horrific car accident (I obviously very much hope this doesn’t happen). He is left unable to work and with lifelong care needs.

You never know what the future will bring and the only fair thing is to split equally between DC imo

Do you think it should be equal?

If it was, how much difference would it make to your sister's actual life? Or yours or elder brother's?

How long would it take younger brother to run through it?

Perfect answer.

Four way split. Why should your brother be penalised for him and his wife earning well. I’ve never understood why anyone would do that.

Apologies, I didn't mean to call you immature as a person, I just feel like the general idea of linking monetary value directly to emotional value, or love, or other intangible concepts, is immature and not based in reality, it's more being reactive.

I have plenty of mindsets that I would probably describe as immature! But this concept (which is really common) reminds me of Michael Scott from the Office:

oops forgot it!

Let's hope a successful man with a well paying job in finance has good insurance. I'm sure that's what he would advise others.

It is your parents money and they are free to do as they choose. My personal opinion is that an equal split is fairest. It's understandable that your brother is fuming. If your DSis was given significantly more that you because her earnings potential is less that yours, as it currently stands, I suspect you would be fuming. There are scenarios where an unequal split would be fair but nothing you have written suggests that this is one of them. In general it's damaging to give differing amounts, it would be better to give it to charity.

Doesn’t matter what we or you guys thibk

it is their money and they can do whatever they want. It might all get used up in care homes yet.

I can understand why they are doing it. I have 1 child who has no father involved and 2 children whose dad is paying for their Uni and future house deposits so I may adjust my own inheritance but I know my younger children wouldn’t resent that.

This - because it’s not worth pointing up distinctions.

After they pass away, simplest is best. So surviving spouse gets everything and when they pass equal shares for the children.

Also, parents can’t know in advance how much of their savings will be left after and care costs.

It's up to them who they leave their money to and how the split it. It makes sense to me that if one person is going to have a huge difference made to their life and another is just going to go on some more foreign holidays, they'd leave it to the one that needs it. Your DB needs to consider the possibility that there'll be nothing left if either of them needs care anyway, and stop being grabby.

Is it morally right that the tax payer pick up the bill whilst the elderly gift money that could be use to pay for care?

Your parents sound very considerate tbh, it's just a case of how best this money can be used. Your sister sounds like she'd benefit the most in terms of making her life much easier from a much lower point. Your DB would just be adding it to his pile, no real benefit to him at all & it's a bit gross he'd want to begrudge your sister that help.

They are so right in their choices for your vulnerable brother too. They sound like good people 👍

(also wonder what DB does to earn his money & if it's half as valuable to society as what your DS does which is difficult, stressful, hugely undervalued & craply paid)