To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Thanks. He’s consultant level but only just and it’s not permanent so he’s constantly trying to impress.

its no different to before we had dd but obviously now I’m noticing it a LOT more. Everything is on me and it’s shit.

@Scirocco yep all if that!

Where’s he staying? Is there any reason you and the baby can’t go up and stay with him for a few weeks at a time? Say he goes back Sunday evening, takes you both with him, you stay up there for two or three weeks, come home for a few weeks, and go back? If he’s doing a long return journey every weekend on top of his job he must be absolutely knackered. At least this way he wouldn’t have to travel every single weekend which would free up quite a bit of space for family time.

His admin should be done weekdays eve. What does he do during week in evenings?

I’m sorry but this post comes across as martyrdom in the extreme. Why would you allow this sort of working practice/expectations to persist when people’s lives at stake? (Which is true even if not doing clinical work with patients, because of effect on waiting lists, procurement, logistics etc)

Eg 250 urgent emails, every evening. They can’t possibly all be dealt with. Either this is exaggeration or you are at the point where it is dangerous not to blow the whistle.

Umm no he has every single evening to himself all week long every week

YANBU I don’t think BUT I also think the issue here is him working a Six day week!!! You’d be in the same situation whatever field he was in - working 6 days is full on and very hard for the other parent, you, who is basically doing things as a single parent. Does he love his job? There’s choices to be made here. I might agree/tolerate the 6 day working week but yes get home on Friday night and work at home Saturday; and only if the pay was epic, and only if I knew in 6 months time that would be it.
What worries me the most about your post is the wanting to work away Saturdays. I would find that really hurtful because that’s him choosing to be elsewhere. I would even suggest that for six months he pay an assistant to do the admin!! It’s the 6 day week which is the issue here. Good luck x

Deleted sorry got posters mixed up.

There's a balance to be had. Clearly he can't complete all his admin during the working week. But equally, he shouldn't leave it all for Saturday. If he did a few hours every evening, when he has quiet and time, and came home on Friday evening, he could spend Saturday morning finishing off, and then have a full Saturday afternoon / evening with you and DD, and a full Sunday. I sympathise, OP - yes, he is working hard, but so are you, and you didn't sign up to be a single parent.

I agree @Heather37231 if that’s the reality it’s dangerous and not acceptable to just tolerate it.

Also why can’t he do his admin in the week evenings??? that’s also possible so he can come home on a Friday. Also I’d be thinking of going and staying with him every now and then with DD

I just don't get why people would do this to themselves 😔 work 24/7 .. so much so you only get to see your wife and child for 1 day a week 🥺 I couldn't have that life

I see some Handmaidens sought to enter the Big Brother house earlier.

I'd be interested to know how many posters saying nah it's fine have had a partner who works away! OP I agree with you, he should come back late Friday/early Saturday and then at least he can help with his child and see you around doing admin. Sure he's working when he's away, he's probably working hard even, but not having the mental load of anything to do with the family during the week, having time when not at work to do as you please, not having to worry about the children being poorly or whatever else is quite something for someone with a family- conversely having it all on your shoulders whilst balancing work is a lot.

So why doesn't he do that in his evenings during the week?

I know quite a lot of consultants in various specialties and they simply don't work these kind of hours.

My DB is a consultant, got to that level quite quickly as he was able to move around the country to various posts to gain experience. Although this is painful now, hopefully this will help him to get to that level quicker.

Again, if you aren't happy, you need to say what would make your life easier

He’s just a workaholic and always has been.

that is a problem, did you have any conversations about his before having children? His work load doesn't need to be over this amount of time, its of his making and time off is really important, as is family time.

I get why you'd be resentful as you want to spend time together as a family and not solo doing stuff - do you think he has adapted to family life or does he still think of you all as people living a life but not really as one until. but sepester enter tees

Ah yes boo hoo poor man having 6 days away from his family and responsibilities a week whilst his wife works and doing everything around the house and for the children. My heart breaks 💔

So not really “high up” after all then?

I know a few men who could have been described as workaholics, but all except one of them (and he ended up divorced) did a 180 when they started a family. Your DH doesn't sound like he is in that headspace, which is really sad, and shows where his priorities lie.

@wpur it sounds like it's just a difficult situation at present with this contract. I am though assuming that you are supportive of your DH in his role and moving up the chain etc.

What about as a band-aid solution while this contract runs out that you get a 'mothers helper' for a few afternoons/early evenings each week so that you are not so stressed and feel a little more able to cope? While that will cost some money it's probably worth it if you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted with the current situation.

Then when the next job hunt starts you look at options together and work out what is and what isn't acceptable

@Scirocco this is exactly the kind of admin AI tools should start to help with. You could buy some tools yourself and save yourself a few hours a day, or encourage management to invest in the tools (harder if public sector as it will be soooooo slow). You can automate the heck out of this kind of work.

If you live near all of your family, could you possibly ask them for the odd evening of babysitting so you can go and do things for yourself? Or pay for a regular weekly babysitter? If you're working too and don't already, maybe get a cleaner so that you don't spend all your evenings doing chores and can relax a bit after your DD is in bed? It's a very intense age though, 17 months, so I can imagine how burnt out you must be.

its no different to before we had dd but obviously now I’m noticing it a LOT more. Everything is on me and it’s shit.

Surely you knew this would be the case when you decided to have a baby though? Did you not discuss anything like this prior?

The only real option you have is to re-evaluate what exactly you need and then when his contract is up, he needs to find a job that works for the family. But, is that even possible in his chosen field?

OP is it feasible for you to relocate to be closer to him? Is he planning for this situation to go on indefinitely or is he looking for a job nearer home?

He should be getting at least some admin time built in to his contracted hours during the week? Can he get more support with admin? Does he think his work-life balance is acceptable? What is his endgame?

I would also be a bit suspicious about whether he was living like a single man whilst away, I'm sorry to say it.

But he's offering her the same on Sundays?